These are the days...

Getting there...

2010-05-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since I was released from my trainer. I felt a huge difference immediately in my stress level when it came to work. While there is still a lot of stress involved it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Things are going much better now...slowly but surely I am gaining confidence. I don't dread going to work like I did a few months ago. I like the job and look forward to improving my skill and expanding my knowledge. All's going well as far as I can tell as I haven't been told otherwise by my bosses, so that's good.

Managing the shiftwork routine has been alright. Kids and hubby are still doing great with all the changes. We love our sitter and it's all working very well in that respect. My brother took the kids to his house for the weekend a couple of weeks ago when we had a last minute change of plans for their care while we were both working and it turned out to be a great, great thing for everyone. Kids had a blast with their aunt and uncle, my brother and his wife loved hanging with the kids and hubby and I were grateful to know that our little ones were being well cared for and getting the rare chance to spend good quality time with family.

With summer coming up, things are going to get a lot busier for me at work. I am actually really looking forward to being there when it's crazy busy and learning how to do this job at a faster pace and get better and better at it.

I knew from the outset that this would all be a big adjustment on so many levels. I am definitely not over the hump yet but at least I am no longer living most days with my heart in my throat and my stomach in knots. Slowly but surely I am getting there and feeling more like myself again...which is nice because I really missed me.

What was I thinking?

2010-01-03T18:42:00.001-08:00

I face this new year with such mixed feelings about the new direction my life has taken since starting my new job. I knew it would be a huge adjustment. Kids and hubby are doing well on that front. I, on the other hand need some help. I knew this job would be hard, the changes to my lifestyle would be profound and getting used to the changes it meant for every aspect of my life wouldn't be easy. I also thought I was prepared for the ups and downs, the frustations and the moments of feeling proud for all that I had accomplished. I'm taking the downs and the frustrations much harder than I thought. The ups and good moments are definitely clouded by my feelings of being overwhelmed, wondering to myself...what the heck was I thinking taking on a job like this.

The high stress all. the. time. is wearing my down. The shiftwork is much harder to do than I thought it would be. I didn't expect to dislike my mentor so much. We've been together now since Oct 21st. At first I was happy that we were paired up. I was eager to push through the training and she was of the same mind. Unfortunately, as I have come to learn, this sort job cannot be learned by pushing through the training phase. You really need to have it be organic and take the time you need to absorb it all. I learned that a few weeks in, but my trainer seems intent on just being done with me. She and I have very different styles and the stress it creates for me is totally overwhelming sometimes. Some days I honestly dread the thought of spending 11 hours with her...I feel physically ill and comtemplate calling in sick more often than I care to admit.

I was speaking with a co-worker the other. She is so sweet and was giving me a pep talk after we (together) took a *big* call. She said everyone feels this way in the beginning. It's natural and totally normal and that it will get better. She said once you get over the hump, which is the huge learning curve and gaining a sense of confidence in your ability to do the job it gets much better. Then she said took her 3 years to get there. I thought I might barf...three years? three years! OMG...how am I going to make it through this for that long given how I am feeling a mere 3 months in. UGH!

What makes this even harder is that I know there is a lot of pressure on me to keep this job. The hours, despite being hard for me to manage personally, are ideal given my hubby's schedule. We finally bought the house from DH's parents so we have a mortgage to pay, we had to buy a new car, so we have car payments too. We wouldn't be able to afford any of this if I left my job. Most days I feel so, so very overwhelmed and I'm not sure how to cope with this much stress and pressure. I just keep on keeping on and hope that things will turn around soon and I can start to feel better about it all.

It's a New Year!

2010-01-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

So much has changed since last year at this time. It's amazing to think of where I was and where we were as a family only 1 year ago. I was a stay-at-home mom who was on the slow road to recovery from my health scare. DH was applying to get transfered home. The kids were doing well despite all the upheaval my illness caused. My Aunt Cathy was alive and had no idea yet she was riddled with tumors as a result of undiagnosed ovarian cancer.

Twelve months later so much is different, some things are so good and others...well, meh...not so great. As for the great things, I am well and healthy again. Kids are happy, healthy and so much fun! DH was transfered and is happy to be home despite the fact that he does not like his new assignment. I am gainfully employed - this is both good and not so great all at once. Sadly, my Aunt Cathy died in October after a painful but very brave battle.

I start this new year hoping it turns out to be a great one filled with happy memories like last year and hopefully less heartache.

One week later...

2009-09-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

and all's well.

It took about 1 hour on the first day for my nerves to settle and after that it was all good. I had a great first week at my new job. I am learning a lot and know that I will really enjoy the challenge of this job. The others in my group of new hires are nice; we all get along pretty well so far. I've really connected with a few of my peers, which is so nice. It feels great to get to spend the day with grown ups. There is a lot to learn and I have a lot of work to do at home in addition to my full days but I am loving it.

On the homefront things are great too. It's been a very smooth transition for all of us. Fortunately, because my DH works shift work he was home with the kids the first few days. After that, MIL looked after them. That went surprisingly well. And, they also got to go to the babysitter for one of the days too and that went great. It was so much fun for DS in fact that he cried when he had to leave the sitters. So all in all a great first week for everyone involved.

I am feeling so good about my decision to return to the paid workforce. I know there will be a lot of ups and downs, but it's been very reassuring to have my first week go so well.

Saturday night

2009-09-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

This Saturday night doesn't feel much different than any other in the past 6 months since DH's transfer, however the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach reminds me that it is definitely not like all the others.

In less than 36hrs I will be starting a new job. I will have already been up for 4 hours, driven into town, and will be sitting in an orientation session that will probably make my head spin.

DH said he thinks my first 5 weeks of intensive training and what follows with the on-the-job training will feel like being shot out of a cannon. I know he's right.

I started the application process for this kind of job almost a year ago. I put two years of thought into what I wanted to do when I'd finally return to the paid workforce. I know this is it. I know that this IS what I want. I've not chosen an easy path, that's for sure! It will certainly be very challenging and rewarding career.

I can't wait. It feels like it's taken forever to get to this point. At the same, time these last few weeks, since I got the call that I made the cut and was offered the job, seem to be flying by so fast.

I've filled my freezer with ready to cook homemade meals to make dinners easier to plan and execute.

I've organized and cleaned just about everything (well, except for the clutter of baby toys in the basement, which mock me each time I walk by them to do laundry).

I've made the necessary childcare arrangements, which are by far my greatest concern and what I stress most about, especially since MIL is going to be helping out in that respect. I'll save the details for a separate post, which hopefully will not be a big long rant -lol.

I've gotten my hair cut, picked out my 'first day of work' outfit, bought a cute new red lunch bag, and planned my route among many, many other things. So, I'm ready.

I'm so ready. I'm happy. I'm nervous. I'm excited. And, I'm sad. Sad to see my days as a SAHM come to an end. While sometimes the hours here at home dragged on and on for what felt like weeks. I cannot believe how fast these last three years have passed. I cannot believe that I am on the threshold of starting a new career, a new lifestyle, a new chapter in my life story.

And so it shall be...

2009-05-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have two beautiful, healthy, adorable children. We are a happy little family and my DH is quite satisfied with what we have. I am too. I know very well how blessed I am for what I have but somewhere tugging at my heart was always a feeling that someone is missing. I really want to add to our family and expected that we would have at least one more.

At the end of March I had my 6 month follow up appointment with the bloodclot doctor. The Dr and I talked about a lot of things. My risk for having more bloodclots, etc... I am at an increased risk than the general population for developing them, especially in the next 2 years but he seemed pretty confident I would be just fine. If I ever have them again I have to be on bloodthinners for the rest of my life He cannot say for sure that being on birth control pills is what caused it, which is frustrating but oh well.

We also talked about the future and situations that put me at higher risk of clotting. The only truly risky situation for me really is any future pregnancy. If I choose to try for another baby I have to contact the thrombosis clinic and go on injectible bloodthinners while ttc, throughout the pg and for at least 6 weeks after delivery. Pregnancy put women's bodies into a hypercoagualted state so it would put me at a greater risk for DVT or PE. My family Dr later said that it would also mean a planned c-section for delivery so they could have more control as I have to be off the bloodthinners prior to delivery and then right back on them post-partum.

Dr. said that if I want more children I should not let this stop me. That it's totally manageable I'd just have to be followed closely through them. I really didn't know what to think. I was stunned and went right to the thought that I guess that means we will have no more babies.

I feel kinda dumb and naive because I totally wasn't expecting this information or any restrictions once my 6 month treatment course was complete. I honestly thought he would just sign off on me and say go live your life you're fine.

DH reacted as I expected he would - by planning to schedule an appointment for a vasectomy. I still don't feel done having babies yet but I am so scared of the risks and the idea of giveing myself a needle everyday for a year or more is not very appealing.

As more than a month's time has ticked by since I got this information I have been letting it rattle around in my head, slowly mulling it over. I think I need to accept that we are done having babies. I just can't take that kind of risk - there are just too many. I cannot take the chance of leaving my DH a widower or my children motherless. Still though, it's hard to accept that we are really done making babies.

So much is new...

2009-05-05T06:53:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin.

DH is home. His transfer got pushed through quickly and he started a new job here closer to home in March. He likes his new job and having him here is a relief for us all.

Kids are growing up fast. DS just turned 4! They are so happy that spring has finally arrived. They love playing outside in the nice warm weather. Easter was a very happy holiday at our house this year. They loved helping bake Easter cookies, spending time with family and searching for the goodies the Bunny left behind.

I am looking for a job. I have been in the application process for a cool job that I have always wanted to do. It's going fast and I am doing well, so far succeeding at all the phases including passing my french language proficiency evaluation with flying colours! I have my panel interview this weekend and should find out by mid-June if I get a job offer. Training starts in September so this would be perfect. If it doesn't work out I will put off applying for jobs until the fall.

I had surgery last Wedsneday to remove my gallbladder. I was surprised by how crummy I felt afterwards. I mean, I guess I knew I wouldn't feel great but I felt awful. It could have also been because everyone in the house had the flu just after I got home. I am sure some of how bad I was feeling was from that...ugh! Anyway, it's now just less than a week after the surgery and I am feeling almost back to normal. Just a little sore at the incisions (I had a laporascopic procedure done). YAY!

There are a lot of things on my mind. I just don't have time to write it all out now, but will come back and blog about that soon.

Hooray for Spring :)

Valentine treats

2009-02-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

These are the cookies I made for my kids' nursery school friends in lieu of cards and chocolate. They turned out pretty cute if I do say so myself. ;)

Awww, best friends

2009-01-26T19:55:00.001-08:00

My sweet little two year old daughter and I played with puzzles today. As she worked on getting the little wooden chimpanzee piece in it's place she said:

"There's the monkey. What a silly monkey. He's my best friend."

Awww...

Still no real news...

2009-01-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

and still hoping this is a good sign.

It turns out the big boss in charge was out of town on a work related project since the first week of January and that's why we haven't heard any updates yet regarding our transfer request. Dh was relayed a brief message today saying that he is back and looking into things. That's great news to us since we know it means it's a priorty for him to address our case. Yay!!!

Hopefully we will know more by the end of the week.
**fingers still crossed**

Crazy, but true

2009-01-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store last week. The woman ahead of me had a cart full and seemed grouchy as she tossed her items onto the belt. The cashier was scowling so I was closely watching the interaction between them.

The cashier held up a little bag of leaf lettuce and asked the woman what it was. The woman shrugged, mumbled something inaudible and returned to tossing groceries out of her cart. So, the cashier turned to her co-worker on the cash next to her and asked her what it was.

It's LEAF LETTUCE!!!

Seriously? She's a cashier at a grocery store, how do you NOT KNOW what leaf lettuce is? And the customer buying the lettuce...how do you NOT KNOW what you are buying is leaf lettuce? It's not like it was some exotic vegetable or fruit. WOW!

Dinosaur milk?

2009-01-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

I was duty mom at nursery school last week and we had milk with snack. A little girl in the class had this conversation with the teacher.

girl: At home I have dinosaur milk.

teacher: Really? Dinosaur milk, eh? What does it taste like?

girl: silence

teacher: Does it taste like cows milk?

girl: Nope

teacher: Chocolate milk?

girl: Nope

teacher: Soy milk?

girl: Nope...it tastes like bubblegum!

No news is good news....right?

2009-01-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

DH has applied for a transfer on compassionate grounds because of my health issues that began this fall. We were managing okay until his Mom found out that she has a serious heart condition. She cannot help me with the kids anymore to the extent that I need help to recover. So, it's been almost two weeks since we submitted he application and we haven't heard a thing. I really hope the old saying that 'No news is good news' is true in this case. **fingers crossed**

Here's to a Happy and Healthy 2009...I hope....

2009-01-03T06:28:00.000-08:00

What a rough end to 2008. The kids both had fevers on Christmas Eve and I had an eye infection. DH was still getting over a nasty cold. We did have a lovely Christmas morning though. The kids' reaction this year was priceless and heartmelting. Just pure joy to behold. It was perfect :)

We hosted my family here on Christmas day for a traditional turkey dinner. The food was amazingly delicious - if I do say so myself. Brining turkey is the way to go...it was soooo yummy! The kids were well enough to last the whole day and loved visiting with Grampa and their aunts and uncles. It was a great day.

On Boxing Day Dh's family came here for dinner. We had another yummy meal - this time it was lasagna, garlic bread, ham, scallop potatoes, veggies, and salad. It was another successful gathering in our home. Again, the children loved having everyone here. They love spending time with family, especially their aunts, uncles and cousins that we don't get to see very often.

While normally I quite enjoy hosting holidays in my home and cooking for family, this year it was a chore to say the least. We finally got the contractor in to finish our ceilings,walls and trim - after waiting more than 7 months. He completed the job on Dec 19th, so we scrambled to get the ceilings painted and light fixtures in. We'd hoped to get the walls painted too but that was just too much to get done so close to Christmas. Plus, getting the ceilings done wore me out completely! So, I started Christmas week off feeling pretty tired and worn out already.

I managed to pull it all off and host two nice parties here, but it left me totally exhausted. A few days after Christmas I started feeling really crummy. My eye infection had finally cleared up but I had a pounding headache, then the body ache, sore throat, swollen glands, sore ears, fever, congestion...yep I got what DH had the week before and I was in bed for four days. FOUR days! I never get THAT sick. A whole week later and I'm still not myself. I am thinking I may need to head into the the ER to get checked today or tomorrow since I am now starting to cough and having trouble breathing...this is how I was feeling a week after a cold I had in early December that turned into pneumonia. I hope I am just being paranoid and overly cautious this time. On top of that the poor kids have come down with some new bug with fevers and upset tummies :(

So while 2008 went out with a whimper for us and 2009 started the same way I hold great hope for this new year. It has got to be better than last year. I pray that my health will steadily improve once I kick this latest bug, that my gallbladder surgery this spring goes smoothly and that I get back to feeling like me again soon.

I hope 2009 brings us good health and happy times and great new opportunities. These are my wishes for you all as well. Happy New Year!!!

Mahna Mahna...doo dooooo do do do

2008-11-03T10:23:00.000-08:00

My sweet daughter just turned 2! She is such a funny little girl. This weekend my husband was watching Muppet show clips with her on You Tube. This is the one she adores. She's been singing this song for 2 days straight. I now know first hand that this catchy little ditty is hard to get out of your head.

She thinks the pink monsters are cows - MOO!

Slowly starting to feel better

2008-11-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to feel better these days. I didn't really believe everyone when they told me it would take weeks to recover from all that's happened to my body. I've been home for over 3 weeks now and I'm still not 100% but I'm getting there. :)

I nearly died...seriously!

2008-10-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've had the scariest and worst week of my life...this may get long...

I went in Monday for an endoscopic procedure to remove a gallstone that we believed was blocking a duct and causing me excruciating pain for nearly 3 weeks. I was nervous but excited about finally getting some relief. I had the procedure done. The meds they gave me to make me sleepy didn't work and I was awake for and saw the whole thing. That sucked, but I had no idea that things were about to get way worse!

The Dr said that everything looked good though and he got the stone out. He was a bit surprised to find that my duct was not blocked by it and my gallbladder, while full of stones, actually looked remarkably good. He noticed fluid in the sac around my right lung when he was in there with the scope so he told me to follow up with my family dr.

In recovery I wasn't doing well. My heart rate was very, very fast and I wasn't getting enough oxygen. After 30 minutes of not improving he thought maybe I had a bad case of pneumonia so he sent me to the ER. They immediately got me an x-ray and a CAT scan and discovered that I did indeed have pneumonia in and fluid around my right lung AND they also found that I had several bloodclots in both my lungs.

I was immediately admitted to ICU and spent 2 days there on oxygen, antibiotics and heparin. I improved enough to be moved to the regular ward where I spent 2 days. After tonnes of bloodwork, another xray and an ultrasound they decided I was stable enough to come home. I've been home for three days now and while I am still in pain from the fluid in and around my lungs it's manageable enough for me to be at home as long as I have help. DH is still here (he hasn't been to work in nearly a month) and MIL has been here since Sunday and will stay as long as we need her. She has been amazing. They said it will take several weeks for the fluid to be resorbed and the clots will take months to be resorbed.

I have already had an appointment with the clinic that will follow very closely with possibly daily bloodwork until they get the dosage of the bloodthinners right for me. Given that right now they can't say for sure that BCP's were the cause I will be on bloodthinners for 6 months and have already had lots of blood drawn so tests can be done to determine if the cause is genetic. If it is I may have to be on bloodthinners the rest of my life.

So, I am tired and sore and scared. But at the same time I feel so blessed that the Drs took the time to really check me out. Otherwise I would have probably just been put on antibiotics for pneumonia and never known about the clots. I would have continued my BCPs, which they think may have been the cause of the clots and had I continued on them I could have had more clots and died.

I have to hold back tears a lot these days and push the thoughts of "what if" out of my head...I know the fear about what could have been it will ease with time. I am just so, so grateful I am still here.

Waiting for Sawyer

2008-09-08T07:39:00.001-07:00

I'm getting excited to meet my new nephew. After my baby girl was born SIL was hit pretty hard that we had a girl. They have 3 boys - all of which are in their teens now. She talked a lot about how upset that she never had a daughter so she and BIL started the adoption process to adopt a little girl to make their family complete.

They've been on the list for nearly 2 years waiting to be picked as the parents for a little Inuit girl. Anyway, they finally got the call a week ago that an expectant mom chose them for her little BOY! They are thrilled and are busy getting ready collecting baby items. I think it took them a little by surprise - getting the call and finding out the baby is a boy. They are still on the list for a girl.

Anyway, I gave almost all my baby gear and clothes away already or sold it at the consignment shop so I have been scrounging around looking for anything that might be useful to them that we aren't using anymore. Getting all the stuff cleaned and organized is getting me really excited to meet my new little nephew.

They have decided to call him Sawyer. SIL is going to an u/s today - baby is overdue....I didn't think I would get this excited, but I am. Can't wait to meet baby Sawyer soon

Happy Birthday Mom

2008-09-07T13:20:00.001-07:00

I miss you and love you so much every day.
I wish you were here to hug me and support me like I know you would.
I wish you were here to meet and know my wonderful husband.
I wish you were here to hold your beautiful grandchildren and watch them grow.
I wish you were here so my little family could know you and be close to you like I know they would.
I wish you were here and could have been here these last 14 years.
Your love continues to fill me with hope and peace. Your words continue to guide and inspire me.
I miss you so much. I wish you were here. I love you. XOXOXOX

Two years ago...

2008-09-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye to my best doggy bud. Missing you so much. I'm missing you a little extra today because it's a crisp, cool fall day that would be perfect for a walk in the woods with you my dear friend.

Sweet Father's Day craft story

2008-06-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

This morning we made cards for DH for Father's Day. I traced my little ones hands in their own little cards, wrote Happy Father's Day on them and handed the markers over to the kids.

L made squiggles and scribbles on hers. J asked me to draw a big heart on the back, then he had me draw a little heart inside the big heart. When it was done he announced: Perfect! Daddy's big heart and J's little heart inside.

Awww, so sweet!

Missing my doggies

2008-06-14T13:46:00.001-07:00

The summer weather is here at last. My windows are wide open to let in any tiny bit of moving air to be had. I hear more clearly the woofs and yaps of the neighbourhood pooches. It makes me miss my dogs a lot. I miss their wet noses pressing on my cheek at 8am to rouse my out of my slumber and get them some kibble. I miss the cuddles, long walks and their sweet faces.

Today in the news...

2008-06-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

more stories that make me sad and enraged at the same time.

I cannot believe what this world is coming to. It seems that whenever I sign on and read up on what's going on in the world I just end up with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach that I, as an individual, am so helpless to do anything about it all.

What makes it all so much more distressing is that it seems that not enough is being done to protect our way of life and freedoms from being erroded and degraded. I worry about what the future holds, especially for our children.

All of it just makes me want to vomit.

Well, that was scary!

2008-06-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

Thursday night just after DH left to go back to work I was getting dinner ready (BBQ'ing in the backyard) when all of a sudden I got the most excruciating pain in my right side. I could hardly stand, I couldn't catch my breath for a minute and was doubled over in pain. I waited a few minutes to see if it would pass...it didn't. I called DH in a panic. He called him Mom who was teaching a lesson in her piano room downstairs. She came running up, had her student stay with J&L for a few minutes and took me to the hospital. The pain was unreal and the severe pain lasted about an hour. I got seen immediately at emerg. DH arrived within the hour and we were both scared and worried. They did a full work up incl bloodwork, x-rays and a pelvic exam. Lying down helped a lot and while I was there I started feeling better and the pain lessened substantially.

The only thing they could find was that my c.olon was quite full. Turns out I was just having bad c.onstipation pains - how embarassing. The Dr said, better to be embarassed than die from a ruptured appendix, which is what he thought it might be...

I think the new prenatals (cheaper) I bought last week caused it b/c I just started taking them recently...I think they have a lot more iron in them that the other ones I was taking. I stopped taking them Friday and have increasingly been feeling better and better. I still have some cramping but nothing scary now.

Scares like that sure put things in perspective. The whole time I was in the hospital I just wanted to go home and have dinner with my kids and tuck them in their beds. It made me appreciate even more how lucky I am to be healthy.

Farewell Yogi.

2008-03-23T19:10:00.001-07:00

My Dad's had a dog named Yogi for nearly 12 years. Shortly after I adopted my pup Murdoch my Dad expressed interest in finding a doggie too. I searched around for a dog for him for a few weeks. I went to the Humaine Society a few times and didn't find anyone suitable. Then one night, while out looking for something for Murdoch at a pet store, I happened to spot the cutest little terrier mix sitting there. This pet store showcases dogs and cats from the Humaine Society, so Yogi, as he had already been named, was a surrrendered dog waiting to be adopted by a new family. I called my Dad and told him I thought I'd found a good match for him. He went down and checked him out and by the end of the week Yogi was part of our family.

Yogi fit in right away. This little pup was already a year old and housetrained. He was instantly a great companion for my Dad. He obviously came from a family that loved him as he was sweetest, most gentle soul, obedient, great with kids and so loving. In those early years I often would stop by my Dad's on my way to the Old Quarry Trail and pick up Yogi to come walk with me and Murdoch. They were such good buds and had so much fun running and playing together.

In recent months Yogi's health has been declining. He was 13 years old and it was really starting to show. Last week my Dad called to say that Yogi's been sick a lot lately and falling down regularly. My Dad was really worried about his sweet dog. As hard as it was, we knew it was time to let him go. I took care of all the arrangements since I knew it would be too hard for my Dad. Yesterday I brought Yogi to the vet for the last time. It was nice to be able to be there with him in a way I wasn't able to be for Murdoch. It was peaceful and I was grateful to have the last quiet moments with him, which seemed fitting since I was the first to meet him and encourage my Dad to adopt him.

Farewell Yogi. You are already dearly missed. We love you. Thank you for being such a great dog. Please say hi to Murdoch for us all. I know you are happy to be reunited with your old pal and that you are playing together again.

My good deeds in honour of Thomas

2008-03-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

Three years ago on March 9th a sweet boy named Thomas was born. He is an angel in heaven now. His parents request that in memory of their son's birthday each year everyone go out into the world and perform random acts of kindness to help make the world a better place.

Last year I made a donation in Thomas's name to my local childrens hospital. This year though money is tight, so I chose to donate nearly all of the baby items I am no longer using to a young woman expecting her first baby next week. I found an ad placed by her friend on a local buy/sell board. They were still in need of many items so I gave them everything I could - a big bin full of clothes and blankets, a diaper bag filled with bottles, toys and formula, a complete travel system, bedding, a snuggli, a bouncy seat and more. The friend who placed the ad came by today to pick it all up was speachless when she saw all I had for her to take to her friend. Her partner remarked that this kind of generosity is very rare. They both thanked me. I smiled and thought of Thomas.

Also, during my search for someone in need of baby items I came across a request for cloth diapers. The ad said they were willing to pay for them but couldn't afford to buy new. When I was expecting my first child a dear friend gave me a bin filled with baby clothes and in that bin there were 5 cute cloth diapers in excellent condition. I never even wanted to attempt cloth diapering and several times tried to give them away, but couldn't find any takers. Finally I could pass them on. So, I contacted them and offered the items for free. They were thrilled but I live quite far out of the city and they didn't think they could get to me and it would be just as much trouble for me to go to them. I offered to mail them the diapers at my expense. They seemed surprised by my offer to pay to send them something for free. I suspect they never expected to actually get them. They emailed me to let me know they received them yesterday and that they were so very grateful. Again I smiled and thought of Thomas.

(((((K&S)))))

Well, this is the first and surely not the last

2008-02-29T13:22:00.000-08:00

time I will really question a parenting decision that I have made and feel regret for something I cannot change.

Yesterday when I picked J up from nursery school his teacher told me that chicken pox virus was making its way through our school. I commented that I didn't really need to worry too much since both my kids have had the varicella vaccine. The teacher launched into a bit of a rant about how chicken pox isn't something that any child needs to be artificially immunized against, that getting natural immunity from actually catching the virus is better for the children and for the long run since the vaccine wears off leaving unimmunized adults at great risk for shingles, etc... And, she added that even kids who are vaccinated sometimes come down with it when it's going around anyway. She talked about how adamantly she refused it for her own children, age 13 and 11. I was taken aback by her comments and left almost completely speechless. I mumbled something about how what's done is done and I can't change it for J and L now and skulked off with my head hanging in shame.

On the drive home I got so upset and worked up about this. I wished I could go back in time and refuse the chicken pox vaccine so my kids could catch it naturally. I felt like a bad parent and that I made a horrible decision that I cannot undo. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. Did I get duped my $ hungry pharmaceutical companies or did I do the right thing?

I suppose there is no way to ever know what's truly right, but at the moment it feels like I made the wrong choice. The thing is, I really debated not getting it. I spoke at great length with the public health nurse about the pros and cons of this vaccine. I was assured that the chicken pox vaccination is part of the immunization schedule for a good reason. This is what my Dr and the public health nurse recommended based on research. One thing I remember being told was that if all the kids are immunized (as is recommended) then how will they catch the virus naturally. After long and hard deliberation and discussions with DH and other parents I decided to go ahead and agree to have them get the varicella vaccineand at that time I felt good about my choice.

Now I find out that my kids could have easily been exposed to the virus and built a true, natural immunity. Like I told the teacher, I can't do anything about it now. If I could go back *maybe* I might refuse the chicken pox vaccine even though normally I am firmly planted in the pro vaccination camp.

I wish I didn't feel so distressed about the decision I made on this one. I know it's only the beginning of many parenting decisions I will come to question later as the years go by, but it sucks that I feel so crappy about something I thought I'd decided on and felt good about.

Spring?

2008-02-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

I am so ready for spring. It's been a long winter here adjusting to life with DH working out of town so much. I imagine that once the weather gets warmer things will be easier for me and my little ones. We're all going a little stir crazy cooped up in the house so much. Taking trips to the mall, grocery store and post office aren't really cutting it anymore for any of us. We can't wait to get out to play in the yard, go walking and to the park.

I know, I know, spring is right around the corner but on days like today it feels like it's such a long way off. I woke up to a freezing cold house. So much so I winced as I reluctantly climbed out of my snuggly bed and felt the shock of the cold air in the room and freezing floor beneath my feet. I thought perhaps the furnace wasn't working, but it was. I turned on the radio just in time to hear that it's minus 23C out without windchill. Brrrr!

Sweet!

2008-02-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

I made these sweet little Valentine treats today.
They are so delicious!

No Fail Sugar Cookies
This recipe is great when using complex cookie cutters. The dough holds its' shape and won't spread during baking.

Make sure you let your oven preheat for at least 1/2 hour before baking.
6 cups flour
3 tsp. baking powder
2 cups butter
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla extract or desired flavoring
1tsp. salt

Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix well. Mix dry ingredients and add a little at a time to butter mixture. Mix until flour is completely incorporated and the dough comes together.

Chill 1-2 hours (or see hint below) Roll to desired thickness and cut into desired shape. Bake on ungreased baking sheet at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes (or longer if cookies are thicker) or until just beginning to turn brown around the edges. This recipe can make up to 5 dozen 3" cookies.

(AWESOME) HINT - Rolling out the dough without the mess--rather than waiting for your cookie dough to chill, take the freshly made dough and place a glob between two sheets of parchment paper. Roll it out to the desired thickness and place the dough and paper on a cookie sheet and pop it into the fridge. Continue rolling out your dough between sheets of paper until you have used it all. By the time you are finished, the first batch will be completely chilled and ready to cut. Re-roll leftover dough and repeat the process. An added bonus is that you are not adding any additional flour to your cookies.

Royal Icing
1/4 cup meringue powder (you can find this at bakery supply stores or Michaels)
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
5 1/2 TBSP Water - that will make it really thick so I usually thin it a tiny bit more for the outlining and quite a bit more for the filling in.
1 pound powdered sugar

Place in grease free bowl and beat until stiff peaks form.

These are Jessica's recipes :)

More snow

2008-01-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

We've broken a 40 year record for snowfall in the month of December in this area. More than 120cms have fallen! Our snowbanks are huge and I am tired of shovelling already but it sure is pretty.

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T12:36:00.001-08:00

We've had some good times and made some great memories in 2007. I know that I am so blessed to have my health, two beautiful healthy kids and a loving husband. For the most part though it was a hell of a rough year for me. I am looking forward to a fresh start. I hope 2008 has less heartache, tears and stress and lots more laughter and happiness.
This is my wish for you all as well.
Happy New Year!

Prayers for Zachary

2007-12-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

Life's just so unfair. I know that there is nothing that says life should be fair but my God! some things should never happen to anyone. Like my dear friend whose one month old baby boy was just diagnosed with JMML - a form of leukemia. Things like this should never happen.

I wish there was something I could do for them to make it all better. I know I can't and that makes this all so much more heartbreaking and maddening. So, I am doing all I can and right now that means continuing to keep them in my prayers and re-applying to be a bone marrow donor. I applied last spring after reading a story about a little boy in the US who was in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant but I was rejected for being too overweight. I have since lost more than 20lbs so I just called the CBS today to inquire what weight cut off was for my height and found out that I now qualify to be added to the registry. My application is already submitted...

Thinking of you all the time these days Jelly and sending loads of big squishy hugs and get well prayers for Z.

New blog template...

2007-12-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

Just because I was tired of the blue.

I was never much of a girly girl before. I never wore reds or pinks or bought anything in those colours. Not for any reason in particular, they simply just didn't tickle my fancy but lately I love reds and pinks and just about anything 'girly'. I can't explain why - just because.

Anyway, I thought, why not change my blog to my new favorite colour too. So, I did. Hope you like it :)

Super Snow Storm = Empowered Woman!

2007-12-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

In the last couple of days it's been snowing almost non-stop. It started Sunday night when DH left for T.oronto - it's been nuts! Thankfully DH took the snowblower out and got it already to use on the weekend but I'd never used it before and we never got around to showing me how it works.

When I woke up yesterday the plow had already gone by and there was a 3ft snowbank at the end of my driveway - Ack! I had no idea how I was going to get out. There was no way in heck I could have dug out by myself with just a shovel yesterday so DH gave me instructions over the phone on how to start the snowblower. So I got all bundled up and went out.

It started up fine and was so much easier to use than I thought it would be. I had the whole driveway done in about 30 minutes. I was so proud of myself and DH was relieved to hear that I managed to do it all myself. It was a very empowering experience.

I should have taken pics of before and after but I forgot...I'm sure there will be many more chances this winter for pics though since they are calling for a very cold and snowy winter in these parts.

Lest We Forget

2007-11-11T14:29:00.000-08:00

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I am NOT a sellout!

2007-10-23T11:43:00.001-07:00

For the last little while I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a dear friend a while ago. This friend is someone I have known a long time. We were in grad school together. I left before completing my degree to follow my then boyfriend (now DH) out to NS when he was posted there for work.

Not long after we moved there we got married. I was a 'housewife' for a time until I could find a job. I worked at a call center booking airline reservations for people. Not the most challenging work but it was fun and it was nice to make some money. After our wedding we immediately started to TTC. I miscarried three pgs before I had my son and 18 months later I gave birth to my daughter.

We spent four years in Nova Scotia. DH and I went through a lot of ups and downs out there together away from all our long time friends and family. He loves his job. He's lucky that way, not everyone gets to do what they love. I on the other have had to sacrifice some of my wants and dreams so I could be with him to support him in following his dream. But I also had some of my dreams come true. I married a great guy, had a nice house and got to become a mom of two beautiful, healthy kids.

He applied for a new job in March 2006. He passed the course and it took us more than a year to finally get moved. The original plan was for us to all move together to Toronto, which is where his job is but the realty market in the town where we lived in NS was terrible. It took us a long time to sell and there was never any hope of getting the price we needed to be able to buy in T.O.. DH and I talked at length about all our options and, as you may recall from previous posts, we settled on moving me and the kids to his hometown.

Now we live in different cities. I am a SAHM with the kids. Our finances are in bad shape. Living apart like this has turned out to be more costly than we thought and for other reasons the plan we had to buy his parents' house is not going to work for us. We are in a rough spot financially and it's taking it's toll on us emotionally. I had a hard time settling into this house knowing all the dangers that lurk behind the walls. I hate living in this house. I hate feeling like a single Mom, which is how I have felt since DH returned to work in August. I hate being in such a bad financial position that we have no other option but to try to grin and bear this arrangement for another year or two, possibly the whole 3 years DH is posted to Toronto.

A few weeks ago I finally got to talk to my dear friend JC. When she asked me how I was I broke down. I have been so trying hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have given up a lot of me for the life I have with my DH. When I told her how out of control I have been feeling in all this since the move - his job, our finances and how it stems back to before we moved here. I have been feeling really lost and out of control for a long time when it comes to ME.

I know that I have made these choices for myself. DH and I never do the big stuff without discussing things first, so it's not like he just decides things for me. But somehow knowing that doesn't make me feel any better or any more in control because I know that in the decisions I help to make I always put my own wants and needs on the back burner.

I was telling JC about the pickle we are in and how rotten this arrangement is for us and especially for me being here without DH is so hard on us all (me and the kids). My friend JC listened patiently to me and then suggested that I have given up too much for too long already and that I would resent my DH in the end for our problems and for losing myself along the way. She said it sounds like DH always seems to get the better end of the deal and that it's not fair for me to always get the short end of the stick and the harder, less glamorous jobs to slog through alone. It's true. Over and over again she said it would cost me my happiness and eventually my marriage since you can only give so much of yourself for so long without getting to do what you want before you grow irreparably resentful.

By the end of our conversation I found myself desperately defending my choices, my marriage and my life to her. I hung up feeling worse than ever about myself and my situation. So, I filed her comments and my responses in the back of my mind and never said a word about any of it to DH.

JC is married. She has no kids and does not want to have any. Ever. She and her DH have great careers, she is working on completing her PhD. They have a great life together. They own a nice home, travel and do lots of fun couple stuff. I respect her choices and I always thought she respected mine until we had this talk. After letting it stew I came to the conclusion that, though she never said it outright, she thinks I am a sellout. In her eyes, somehow that fiercely proud feminist that I was (and still strongly believe I am) has dissolved away and what's left is a shell of a women that allows herself to believe she is content being a barefoot & pregnant (no, I'm not pg now) housewife.

Her words, what I read between the lines of what she said and how I interpreted it all kept playing in my head over and over. Am I really a sellout? Have I been duped? I feel lost and stuck. I really can't do anything about where I am living and the state of our finances. Is that why I am letting myself believe this is what I want?

The love I have for my husband and kids is so powerful and amazing that words cannot do justice. I love being here with DS and DD to see everything they do and learn as it happens. I know that I am very lucky. I have many blessings to be grateful for, which I am. Some people would love to have what I have. I know that and I love having what I have. I also know that I couldn't ignore how lost and out of control I felt. I finally told DH about what JC said and how I feel like a sellout and I feel I may have duped myself into thinking I was really, truly OK with all these sacrifices when I am really not. DH said something that surprised me. He said:

"It's good that JC asked the hard questions and forced you to really look at your life and choices. What did you come up with when you sat down and really thought about it? You found yourself defending it and standing up for yourself, right? Well, clearly she helped you to see that you are indeed doing what you want. It's our life, our marriage, there is no way she can understand what we have between us and why we make the choices we have, but we know the whys and hows that got us here."

He's so right...she can't understand me, and my life the way I do. I can still be a strong woman and a SAHM who supports her husband, makes sacrifices for her family. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I do have "woe is me" moments where I wish there was a better balance and we were in a better position to do the things we want but then I am reminded that life and it's circumstances are always changing. It won't be like this forever. When my kids are older and I return to the workforce I will get my chance to do things for me. My family needs me to focus on them right now and I want to support them and raise them to the best of my ability. It's not possible for me to have it all right now, maybe I never will but whatever my life turns out to be supporting my husband and sacrificing my career dreams right now while I raise my kids does not make me a sellout.

Do you believe small children see angels?

2007-10-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

I do. Here's why.

Today was an incredibly moving and emotional day for me already since it was the day of Constable Worden's funeral and because October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

I have always believed small children see angels and tonight, for me anyway, there is proof. As I was searching madly around the house for matches to light some candles to honour all tiny angels just before 7pm my sweet boy was following me around saying something that at first didn't make much sense.

I always stop to take the time to understand him so as I crouched down next to him to give him my undivided attention I asked him to repeat himself. This is what he said: "He's sleeping behind the flowers Mommy, he's sleeping behind the flowers and he looks very sad."

Wow.

It could have easily been me...

2007-10-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

who could have lost her husband is all I can think when I let myself think about the officer that was recently shot and killed.

Last week's murder of the RCMP officer in NWT has really hit me hard. I have very deliberately avoided reading media stories about the shooting and his life because it hits too close to home. DH called me the day after it happened and asked me if I saw the front page of the National Post. I had not. He told me not to look it up since it was too eerie.

I never did see the story but DH described it to me. A wedding photo of the slain Constable and his bride was on the front page...DH said it looked like it could have come out of our wedding album. The story went on to describe the young family's final moments together as the officer kissed his wife, who was tending to their 8m old daughter, as he headed out to a trouble call at 4:30am.

I can't even count the number of times I've lived that scene myself. All those times DH geared up in the middle of the night to go to a call it never once crossed my mind that he would never be home again. My heart breaks for the woman who lost her husband and the that sweet little girl who will never know her Daddy.

Late at night when I can't sleep because I am waiting for my husband to come home at 3, 4 or 5 am I always remind myself that I am not alone. That across the country many Mountie wives have their sleep disrupted and their husbands called away in the wee hours by drunks and criminals and people in distress. That's the way it goes. Somehow you learn to adjust and you really don't worry everytime they go out the door. You find a way to trust that they'll be fine and home soon. I wish this were always true for each and every one of us wives of cops.

My prayers and thoughts go out to the family who will bury Constable Worden tomorrow and live with the aftermath of this horrific event for the rest of their lives.

OK Skippy, that's ENOUGH!

2007-10-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

Earlier this summer I took this pic of a cute squirrel taking a nap on my fence. He does this everyday at around 1pm. I was amazed to find him there everyday and was so pleased when I finally snapped this shot of him one afternoon.

Well, Skippy, you aren't so cute anymore.

It's been an ongoing saga with this little rodent. And he's caused his fair share of annoyances and trouble.

One day shortly after we moved in here I found him climbing all in my stroller looking for cookie crumbs. So, I don't leave the stroller out anymore. A little inconvenient but, oh well...

Then, a little more than a week ago we found he's made a nest in the attic. It freaked me out a little that we had a squirrel in the attic but MIL got it taken care of right away. She's going to have to have the whole roof re-done b/c it's in bad shape and if she doesn't it won't be long before Skippy finds another way in. I'm sooo looking forward to having the roof ripped off and listening to the hammering and clomping on the roof...NOT!

Today, was the last straw for me. I finally got to do a big cleaning of the house. I took the mats from the side entrance outside to shake them and hung them over a little fence to air them out. A while later I went out to get them. I grabbed them both at the same time and I whipped them up not knowing that the f'ing squirrel was on one of them! So, as I grabbed the rugs I sent the damn thing flying right into the friggin HOUSE!

OMG! I started screaming for DH, who happens to be home this weekend - thank goodness. He came into the den just as Skippy was bouncing up the stairs and up the wall toward the kitchen. He said the squirrel looked at him and took off in the other direction...right out the door. It all happened very fast. I don't know what I would have done had DH not been in the house. I told DH he needs to off the squirrel...I'm only half kidding. I know DH won't do it though. It's not funny either that DH is teasing me for screaming like a girl as I watched a squirrel fly into the house - I am a girl after all!

So, to Skippy I say: GET LOST! SCRAM! TAKE A HIKE! BEAT IT!

Why'd I do that?

2007-10-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

Last week I finally had a 'meet the doctor' appointment with our new family Dr here. MIL set it up for us and I know how lucky we are to get in as this practice is not taking new patients, which is true of all practices around here.

It was a meet the whole family appointment but DH couldn't come so I went alone with the kids. Yeah, I'm NOT doing that again! I thought it would be fine but DS was climbing up and under chairs, playing with the water fountain, running up and down the waiting room shouting: GO FASTER at the top of his lungs, opening 'staff only' doors and charging into restricted areas and I am chasing him while holding DD and trying to fill out 5 sets of forms all asking the same darn questions. Ack! I kept thinking this was a stupid appointment anyway...meet the Dr. >_>

When she finally came into to the tiny exam room, where DS was trying to unplug everything in sight and DD squirmed like mad to get down, I liked her instantly. She is about my age, with kids my age, warm, easy to talk to and very dedicated to preventative care and educating her patients, which is exactly the kind of Dr I like. YAY! I was glad I'd gone at that point. And having a meet and greet to get my history was a nice first appointment to have.

So, as she took down our medical and family histories, she asked a lot of questions of course. The first was how many pgs I'd had. I told her 4. Two miscarriages while TTC#1, one was natural at almost 12w, the other needed a D&C at 11w and two relatively uneventful ones with DS and DD. Even as I was explaining it all to her, while her med student who was sitting in with us gave me this pitiful look when I talked about my losses, I wondered: Why did I do that??? Why didn't I tell her about the chemical pg between my 2 m/cs? I talk about it freely with others. Especially my message board friends. In my heart always think of the three sweet souls I've lost even if one was a little angel I never would have known about if I wasn't TTC and POAS at 13dpo.

You know what's funny (funny strange, not funny funny) I did the same thing when I was admitted to L&D when I gave birth to each of my 2 kids. Perhaps I am afraid to admit losing 3. Maybe it's because my chem pg wasn't like my other two m/cs. That pg was not documented by anyone other than me in FF. I just don't know why I did that. It makes me sad and I feel very guilty for leaving that little out in my fertility history on my medical charts. I wish I knew why I did that.

I'm so sorry...I miss you all my sweet little angels xoxoxo

A tiny ray of light...

2007-09-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

This morning my son woke up happy. When I went in to get him he was chatting and smiling not screaming, sobbing and kicking as he has been every single morning for the last 3 months. We even got to start our day without a breakfast table meltdown.

Maybe I won't completely loose my mind afterall :)

I wish I knew just what to do...

2007-09-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

My head is spinning these days. Nothing has turned out how we expected with this move, house, living arrangement. I guess I've never really been a 'roll with the punches' kinda gal. I like to have a plan and follow it so having everything turned on its head and trying to formulate a new plan is hard.

I want to move out of this house as soon as possible but we cannot afford to since DH is living in Toronto for work and paying rent there. SO, in a effort to contribute to our household income I was going to do some transcribing work for a friend, but it seems she doesn't have nearly as much work to give me as I thought. I had worked that income into our budget and now we come up so short it's almost laughable...almost.

So, I scoured the internet to see what's out there for jobs and daycare. I found some good leads for both but it seems that we wouldn't really come out much further ahead if I did return to work full-time. More than 3/4 of my income would go to daycare costs. I'm not complaining really, I want my children to get good care and be in a safe place while I am working but given their current ages it costs as much for their daycare as I would make in a month. Plus, I am essentially a single Mom since DH is only here a few days a month, so co-ordinating and executing the everyday routine would be taxing. Not to mention all the "what happens if"s I have to be at work late, get stuck in traffic, or whatever...

On the other hand I think that the high cost of daycare now is only short-term. In the not too distant future the children will be older and childcare costs go down. At the same time I will be moving up the pay scale so I will be making more. Overtime will the extra 2 or three years in the workforce help me out in terms of seniority, salary and moving up - I don't really know. So, what do I do?

Staying home for now seems to make the most sense financially but some days I seriously don't believe I am cut out to be a "single" SAHM. I did fine with it when DH was living with us but now that I am on 24/7/365 my sanity is precarious even on the best days and my patience seems to be running on empty all the time. I know that a major contributor to how I am feeling is lack of help and lack of sleep since my baby girl, who turns one next month, still isn't sleeping through the night and my sweet little boy has come into the terrible twos full force in the last couple of months. Maybe in a short time being always on won't be so hard if sleep improves and the battles of will diminish in frequency.

I just don't know what to do and DH is no help at all. He'll support whatever decision I make...that's it, no other input than that really...um, yeah, that doesn't really help me figure out what to do. UGH!

A strange dream indeed.

2007-09-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

Early this morning I had a dream that I was on a dock with DH, DS, DD and some other people (can't say who). DS was at the other end of the dock acting like he would go in at any moment. Someone was talking to me but I was distracted since I wanted to see that DS was okay.

Suddenly, out of nowhere my mother appeared on the dock near me and dove into the crystal clear, calm water and disappeared beneath the ripples. She seemed to be swimming to where DS was sitting. After a few moments I realized she wasn't surfacing and I panicked. I could see DS was fine, still sitting on the dock looking into the water but my Mom was gone...I couldn't get anyone's attention at first then finally a man, I think DH, dove in and retrieved her limp body. She was dead. I fell apart - again.

I woke up shaken and so profoundly sad. What did this dream mean?

Every night before I close my eyes I wish and pray to see my Mom in a dream. It's only happened a couple of times and usually she is telling me something that I can't hear or understand. It's so strange - like she is always just out of reach.

This was a scary dream, one that has me so puzzled that I've been thinking about it all day. I guess I'll never know what it meant or why I had it.

I miss you Mom :(

Happy Birthday Mom

2007-09-06T05:36:00.000-07:00

If my Mom were alive she would be celebrating her 57th Birthday today.

I find it hard to believe that it's been 17 years since we celebrated her special day together.

Miss you and love you lots and lots Mom. XOXOXO

A month later...

2007-09-05T05:45:00.000-07:00

Things are much better between DH and me. But as for the rest of it...in a lot of ways things are much worse.

We had a home inspection done shortly after my last post. The results of which were heartbreaking, shocking and terrifying. This house is not safe for us to live in. We knew that it needed some work but we never imagined that everything that could be wrong with it is wrong or unsafe. So that made it pretty simple for us to decide that we cannot buy it.We don't have to money to do the necessary repairs, nor do we feel a construction zone for the next few years is a good place for small children.

If you're wondering what could be that bad here's a list of the major deficiencies of this old house:

1. the electrical system needs to be completely replaced.
2. much of the plumbing needs to be replaced.
3. it needs a new roof.
4. beams in the attic are cracked and need replacing.
5. all outdoor structures such as decks and porches needs to be completely replaced.
6. the entire lot needs to be regraded to address moisture problems in the basement.
7. insulation in the attic is vermiculite, which may contain asbestos...it needs to be tested and dealt with if it is.
8.the entire house needs to be reinsulated.
9. need new windows.
10. floors need to be leveled in the whole house and harwoord floors need to be replaced.

And there's way more but these are things that need to be done pretty much right away.

My brother, a certified electrician, came by to have a look. The look on his face said it all. He said some of the stuff FIL did is the worst and most dangerous wiring he's ever seen. He told me that he thinks I should NOT live here with my kids at all.

Ack! We did JUST move here all the way from NS it's not like I can pack up and live somewhere else so he suggested buying smoke detectors for every bedroom and lots for the rest of the house to be sure. So, I'm not sleeping so well these days.

DH talked to his parents and explained that we have to get out ASAP because we don't feel safe and they need to get to work on fixing this place up to sell it. They are pissed at us for having the inspection done. I think they feel we just totally screwed up all their plans for the future -in terms of finances, vacations, how much they would get from the sale of this house (from us or another buyer). They are acting all huffy and deny that there is really that much that needs to be done. Well, that's fine if that's what they want to believe but we believe the inspector's report to be more accurate and we can't buy this house. It totally fucks up our plans too but they don't seem to realize or care about that. It's not a good situation.

We sold our house in Nova Scotia for way less than we could afford to because we thought we could live here at DH's parent's house without having to buy it right away and pay off our debt for the next 3 years while DH lived in Toronto and pays rent, a car lease and gas back and forth from TO to Ottawa. This is the offer his parents made to US! We never asked for this. We had a plan too and I think we are way worse off than them. I just can't believe that don't see how bad this situation is for us too. At least they have somewhere safe to live.

DH and I are kicking ourselves so hard right now. We should have known better than to believe that his parents would could come through for us. We had no idea that they were so freakin cheap that FIL does everything himself to save $$ - and he has no clue what he's doing so he's made the house a veritable death trap - argh!

Moving is so expensive and exhausting. We can't afford to pay for another out of city move out of pocket right now. I don't even know if we could qualify for a mortgage given our current debt load. We're fucked and they don't give a shit about our situation. In fact, MIL keeps commenting on how lucky I am that I will get to live in a new house soon and that I will be so much happier there. I think she believes that this was my secret plan all along - like what I really wanted was to just get here, say the house sucked and get to move again. The last thing I want to do is move again but we can't stay here for 3 years knowing the house could burn down, pipes could burst or structures could fall off the face of the house at any time and God knows what else.

DH's current accommodations, which are fabulous and inexpensive, are not going to be available to him for the whole 3 years. In fact, we think that his landlord is planning to sell his house in the spring. So, DH will be paying even more rent for a less comfy and convenient place.

So, after crunching some numbers it looks like we'll have to stay through to the new year, which is way longer than I want to but I don't think we can do it any sooner. MIL is being weird and sometimes nasty towards me now and I really don't how I am going to tolerate having her stay here with us 3 days a week for the next 6 months or more. I just want to get out of here...at the same time I am pretty sad that we will not be able to settle into the Ottawa region like we had planned - I will be moving with the kids to Toronto to be with DH. We just cannot afford a mortgage, rent and the cost of weekly travel back and forth. I spent the weekend at DH's place with the kids and liked the area and know that while it wasn't what we wanted, we will be fine in Toronto. I just wish we didn't have to go through all this crap between now and then :(

A little update from Ontario

2007-08-04T08:16:00.000-07:00

We're here, we made it all in one piece and so did our stuff. It's been a long 2 weeks of trying to get things organized and set up.

It's been very hard on DH and I and we are at each other's throats. We're never like this with each other and it's scary and sad to me. I just want to cry all the time.

I thought coming home would feel good but it doesn't. We are bickering, stressed out and tired all the time and DH is still here...I cna't even begin to imagine what it will be like when he goes back to work next week. I am seriously starting to wonder if we our marriage will survive this move and the 3 years of being apart more than half the time while DH works in TO. If what we've been through in the last couple of weeks is any indication, we're in for a rough ride and I worry we won't make it as the three years is going to feel like a very long time of being alone and apart. :( I am really regretting our decision to do this now...I really, really am :(

10 things I will miss about NS

2007-06-26T15:31:00.000-07:00

I am moving from this province in just a little more than 2 weeks and I have mixed feelings...I am excited to get back 'home' but there are lots of things I will miss about this place and that makes me a little sad to be going. So, here's my list of what I'll miss:

1. My house. I love the layout and the way we decorated it.

2. My big, beautiful green yard. We have so much space here.

3. That it takes less than 5 mintues to get anywhere in town - grocery store, appointments, visiting friends.

4. The friends I have made here. Especially those who had babies at the same time I did. It's been great to get to have that bond of being pg together, meeting all the little ones when they are a day or two old and watching them grow up before our eyes together...I don't think it will be quite the same with Moms I meet at the other end.

5. The lush, untouched, rugged beauty of this Island.

6. The weather...it never get extremely hot or cold or snowy.

7. I will miss the connection I feel with my dogs here b/c we all lived here together and I won't have memories of them with us in our new home.

8. I will really miss how safe I feel here b/c it's such a small town.

9. The fall leaves in all their vibrant glory...they are breathtaking.

10. The freshness of the ocean air.

Disappointed by Dad AGAIN!!!!

2007-06-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

You'd think I'd be used to being disappointed by my Dad by now after more than 30 years of it, but no. I continue to hope that he will change and start to be supportive and helpful. I don't how I manage to keep setting myself up for such huge falls but I do.

We are thrilled to have finally sold our house. Excited to be moving back to Ontario and our home town. My in-laws have really come through for us and have been incredibly helpful and supportive. They are moving to their cottage and will be letting me live in their house with the kids while DH does his 3 years in Toronto. They've been cleaning, moving out their furniture and making necessary repairs to the house to get it ready for us.

The move for us involves a trek halfway across the country so we are trying to figure out the easiest way to do this with two little kids. We decided the best thing would be for me to go out ahead of the movers with the kids and stay with my Dad for a week to 10 days while our house in NS gets packed up and moved to Ottawa and then unloaded. You'd think by the way he carries on about how much he misses his grandchildren that he would be happy to have us stay with him. So, when I asked him if it would be ok that we stay there while waiting for our move to take place I was shocked that he hesitated, then made lame ass excuses and in the end offered to ask my brother if we could stay with him instead. argh!!!

My Dad is going through a divorce and his wife is moving into her new home July 6th. Our house closes on July 15th, so I planned to leave NS July 11th or 12th, which I thought would be enough time for my Dad to get his house organized after K moves out all her stuff. He is retired for goodness sake! Anyway, he said that he can't have us stay there because he won't have a kitchen table and chairs set, or a dining room suite and he doesn't have an extra bed either.

He lives in a huge 3 bedroom home, which will be pretty much emptied out when K moves. You'd think he'd have already made purchases or at least had a plan to get some new stuff. Her move has been planned since March!!! Nope, he seemed pretty ticked when I asked him if he plans to leave all those empty rooms unfurnished for long. He said he's trying to find second hand furniture b/c he doesn't want to spend much on replacing things. Good grief! I know for a fact that the guy is not hurting for $$, he's just cheap. So, he said we can't stay there because he won't have furniture. That's the lamest thing I have ever heard!

I don't want to force it and argue with him so I left it. After thinking about it more DH and I agreed that staying with my brother is not a practical option for us or for him and the kind hearted guy that he is I know he wouldn't say no to us. He works long hard hours and needs his sleep. Baby girl somtimes wakes up in the middle of the night and I don't think it's right to put him out that way. Plus, he's a neat freak with a beautifully decorated home and no kids so I think he would find it stressful to have us there for a week or more. I called my Dad back and told him not to bother talking to my brother that we would figure out something else. The f'ing guy has the nerve to end our conversation by saying...if you need anything at all just let me know. Ya, right! F*** You! I think it will be a long time before I get over this one.

We have a deal!!!!

2007-06-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

Our buyer got the financing he needed to be able to make us an unconditional offer before he sells his house.

So, our house is now SOLD! The closing date remains the same - July 15th. It will be a very hectic 26days between now and then, and I imagine for some time after but at least we're on our way home.

YAY!

Bad ideas and bad news

2007-06-16T18:58:00.001-07:00

I was down in the dumps today. I just had a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach about the delay on removing the conditions on the sale of our house. So, I kinda mopped about all day. Finally, late this afternoon I decided I needed to get out of the house to take my mind off the stressfull stuff.

Well, I learned that it's a bad idea to go shopping thinking you're gonna fit into any of the cute stuff you like just because you've recently lost 35lbs... that 25lbs I have left to loose was laughing loudly at me today.

So, the shopping did not really help me feel better but the idea that things would go well with the completion of the sale on our home was a bright spot to think about right? Nope, bad idea.

This is why one should not to let herself get excited about something that is not yet a done deal. Because that's where I was yesterday. I was looking forward and allowing myself to feel happy and excited that we'd were so close to closing the deal. Today we got the bad news we were dreading...

So, when your incompetent realtor unexpectedly called you on a Saturday evening it's a very bad idea to hope, for even one second, that it's going to be good news instead of the bad news you're half expecting to hear because you'll be twice as disappointed when you do hear the words: "Well, there's been a small glitch on the buyer's end".

I just want to crawl into bed and wake up when the phone rings somtime on Monday to let us know whether we've got an unconditional offer or not.

BTW the small glitch is not a small glitch it's that the buyer's deal fell through on the sale of his house! Call me crazy, but to me that's not a small problem! So, unless he can work something out with the bank we won't have the sale and we'll be back at square one.

Ack! This sucks.

Another long weekend ahead

2007-06-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

Booo! Our buyer can't lift his conditions yet because his buyer is still waiting on the results of his well water test. So, we have to wait until Monday to know if we for sure have a deal.

This waiting crap is for the birds! Ack!

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

2007-06-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

It's June 15th at 2pm and we are still waiting to hear whether the buyer has met his conditions yet. He did indicate the other day when he was here doing the home inspection that he may need a few more days but that it wouldn't affect the original closing date of July 15th... Boy, it sure would be nice to know what's going on.

DH says no news is good news...I know he's right but, it sure would be nice to know what's going on...

Fate or something else?

2007-06-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

As time ticks away and we get closer to a real deal on the sale of our house I have been pondering how these events have unfolded for us. All day I can't seem to get out from under the thought that fate or something else magical had a lot to do with how things are turning out for us.

Our house was the market for nearly 8 months with not much action as we waited wringing our hands, hoping and praying someone would come along soon and buy our house so we could just move to Toronto.

Then, only few days after we decided to just go ahead and have me move to Ottawa with the kids things started happening fast. It's not like this buyer just came along and saw our house the day before he put in his offer...he sat on it for over 2 months. Had he put in his bid earlier we would have either not been moving at all (since we took a lot less for our house than we could afford to loose if we were still going to TO) or we would already be living in Toronto.

It's funny how things work out. Maybe it's fate or my Mom's spirit protecting us and guiding us from heaven, or maybe it's neither and just it's dumb luck...

I'm not a fan of the dumb luck theory and it warms my heart and makes me feel really good to think it's my dear Mom's doing in a mystical, magical way of influencing the fates.

Thanks Mom xo

Almost there....

2007-06-13T05:05:00.000-07:00

Our buyer did an inspection of our house yesterday. DH was here for it and said it went well. We are still awaiting somekind of update from our realtor but we believe that things are going to proceed with the sale without any further negotiation.

The buyer just needs to wrap things up with his sale so he can remove his conditions on our contract in the next couple of days and then we are good to go!

As long as all goes as planned our closing date is July 15th. Yahooo!!!!

I didn't think I'd feel this way when we sold

2007-06-07T09:25:00.001-07:00

We got an offer the other day. It was ok but not great. In the end they refused our counter and were going to walk. We choked back our pride and decided to accept the original offer so that we can move on.

The last eight months of having our house on the market have worn us down. Plus, last week we made a big decision which enables us to take less for the house. After trying so hard to negotiate a deal with DH's employer to get his transfer changed to allow him to go to Ottawa and failing to do so got us thinking about what we really want.

We really want to be able to buy DH's parents' house. We want to raise our family in that town. We know that DH's new work involves a lot of business trips so whether we are in Ottawa or Toronto I will be alone at least half the time with the kids. We know it will be so much better for me and the kids and our finances to just relocated to Ottawa now. So, we've decided that I am going to live in DH's parents' place with the kids. DH will find room and board accommodations in Toronto for work. He can work out his 3 year contract there and then he's free to move to Ottawa.

With the conditional sale of our house - they have until June 15th to remove their condition and then it becomes final - I find myself feeling an incredible mix of emotions.

I feel like I want to barf when I think of what a great price the buyers of this house are getting because they were real assholes to deal with.

I am nervous about DH having to travel so much for his job.

I am thrilled about getting to go home to Ottawa with the kids.

I am worried about how much of a toll this living apart half the time will take on our marriage.

I am relieved that I will have friends and family nearby to help me while DH is away.

I am frustrated that we had to take a huge loss on our house here to get it sold.

I am happy that it won't kill us financially now that we have worked out a good deal with DH's parents.

I am sad that may be nearing the end of our time in our very first home.

I want to move on but in a weird way I am kind of hoping the deal falls through so we can try to get more money for this house and deal with much nicer buyers.

I need time to let it sink in. When that happens I know I will be able to let go of the negative feelings I have about this sale and the turkeys we're selling it to. Only 8 days to go until we find out if we do indeed have a deal. Until then, I am sure these feelings and more will be swirling around in my head....I truly never expected to feel this way when we finally came to the point where the move could really happen. I thought I would just be happy and stressed about the details. I am surprised there is so much more there.

For now, it's a NO.

2007-05-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

DH called staffing today to see if they would be able to change his transfer order and they said that at this time Toronto does not agree to release him to Ottawa. If he met the language requirement it might be easier to convince Ottawa to fight for him. Staffing guy told DH to keep him updated on what's happening at our end and strongly encouraged him to get his language profile up to par.

I am disappointed but OK. It doesn't change anything for us since we knew it was a long shot. Plus, it's good to hear that there may still be a chance of getting it switched if circumstances make that beneficial to the employer or something else changes...like DH meeting the language requirement or if we haven't sold our house after 2 years of trying.

Who knows, maybe even if we excede the time frame for sale of our home or DH does get the score he needs for French TO may still hang onto to us for dear life because there are 35 guys in Toronto who've been waiting more than a year to be transfered out and can't leave because they are wating for replacments like DH. Gosh, I hope after DH does his 3 years that doesn't happen to us.

I looked up the symbolism of Eagles last night. They represent strength and courage - both of which will come in handy if things don't pan out for getting home on our next move.

Marble Mountain

2007-05-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon we decided to go for a Sunday drive. It was a beautiful sunny day and with the prospect (and great hope) of DH going to work in Ottawa very soon we thought we should take advantage of the nice weather and tour the Island we've lived on for the last 4 years.

A ride up to Marble Mountain is one of my favorite afternoon Cape Breton drives. The view of Lac Bras D'Or from up there is breathtaking.

By the time we got to the lookout the kids were both fast asleep. So, DH and I sat on the bench overlooking the clear blue water. We sipped our coffees, marveled at nature, took a few pics and talked about our hopes for the future. It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
As we discussed the possibility of getting our transfer changed from Toronto to Ottawa two Bald Eagles came into sight. They were quite close at first but quickly flew far out over the water. I did my best to capture them with my camera but they were really far away. The one in this pics is flying right over the island that is in the middle of the picture above.

Are majestic eagles soaring overhead a sign of good fortune? I sure hope so.

Spirit Babies

2007-05-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was thinking a lot about the babies I've lost. The 3rd anniversary of my 2nd m/c and the D&C I had to have for it is about a week away. DH noticed I was down in the dumps and when I told him why he just listened. I asked him if he ever wonders about them and what they'd be like he just smiled and said - they're J...they were all J waiting for the perfect time.

Well, that's one way to look at it, and while I'll never stop being sad and wondering what would have been I take some comfort from DH's perspective and belief on this subject. It's the same idea as the article below, which is a real tearjerker. I came across this on a pg loss board after my 2nd m/c. I guess DH is not alone in his thinking about m/c.

RELATED ARTICLE: Spirit baby.
PEGGY VINCENT
NOVEMBER 1983
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

Colin, my 12-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.Stunned when the test came back positive, my husband, Rog, and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence.

At 41, my professional life consumed me. I had just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I'd been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley, California, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered 12 babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and my daughter, Jill, approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulder, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born ... now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?

Plan C

2007-05-24T17:19:00.000-07:00

Here's a short recap of where we've been so far and why we need Plan C:

Plan A was to sell and move to Toronto before Christmas. That obviously didn't happen.

Plan B was to just move to Ontario. We tried to make this work in Feb/Mar. I was to stay with family in Ottawa with the kids and DH was going to stay with a family friend until we sold our house in N.S. and could buy something in T.O. But, our family friend was unable to help us out so plan B got scrapped.

So, now for Plan C, which came to DH the other morning.

We have had our house on the market for nearly 8 months now so, DH thought at this point perhaps we could try to convince his employer to consider taking him in Ottawa now in order to get him working for the unit he's been trained and waiting to get to over a year. Lots of BS from his current boss and not being able to sell our house quickly has kept us here since March 2006!

So, he called and explained to the HR guy for that unit that if they would be willing to give him time to meet the French language requirements (Ottawa requires intermediate french ability in reading, written and oral) while on the job in Ottawa he could start next week . He would stay with his parents until our house here sells and I would remain here with the kids (in the short term at least). The HR guy actually listened to everything DH had to say and is taking the rest of the week to see what he can do. Yay!!!

This is much more than we expected. Dh was sure he'd get told no right off the bat. We are afraid to believe that this dream could come true for us. We can deal with it if the answer is NO, but we hope so much that they will allow DH to start working for this unit, which happens to be desperate for qualified people.

DH is only somewhat optmisitc. I think it's because he doesn't want to get his hopes up only to be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Totally understandable. Personally, I think our chances are good. We have clearly demonstrated that we are doing everything we can to get to Ontario. The housing market here is so slow that all we can do it wait for the right buyer to come along. Several others who've been transferred from here in the past few years have taken up to a year to sell their homes, so what's happening to us is not usual for this area.

We know that it could still be a long time before we sell this house and buy one in Ottawa but we're willing to do whatever it takes to get back home and if it means that I'll be here with the kids for a while it's fine, we'll figure it out.

So, I have my fingers, toes and everything else crossed, and I am praying that they go for Plan C so we can skip Toronto and just get straight home. If you can spare any, we could really use some prayers and positive thoughts that they decide to change DH's transfer and take him in Ottawa.

Sunshine and renewed hope

2007-05-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's a warm, bright sunshiny day. It seems as though spring has finally arrived in Cape Breton - hooray!

I had a dream last night that we were packing up our house because we were finally moving! Here's hoping that this dream comes true very soon.

When you least expect it...

2007-04-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

I live in a small town where small talk reigns supreme but sometimes the most innocent remark or question can bring someone's world crashing down. This is what happened to the cashier who was ringing in my items yesterday at Walmart.

The interaction I witnessed between the cashier and a pal of hers who was going through another line:

Acquaintance: Hey Ronda! How's it going?

A smiling and relaxed Rhonda replies: Oh, not bad.

Acquaintance: So, any babies yet for you?

Rhonda looked completely crushed her cheeks instanly flushed bright red and obsviously holding back tears she simply shook her head no.

Acquaintance: Oh, Rhonda, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Rhonda: You're not the first....

Silence.

I don't know the details but clearly there has been some trying and loss...

I stood there suddenly wishing I was not buying a little Take Along Thomas set for my little boy and a new bib and spoons for my little girl.

I just wanted to reach out and hug this woman who was clearly going through something really hard and sad. My heart truly went out to her because I felt like I could relate to her situation.

We TTC and lost three pregnancies to miscarriage before being blessed with two healthy pgs from which I gave birth to two beautiful, healthy children. The losses we suffered were awfully hard and so heartbreaking for me and my husband. Many times in those dark days following the devasting m/c's I found myself in Rhonda's shoes with a lump in my thoat and tears welling in my eyes in a public place because a curious and well meaning acqauintance asked the 'wrong' question.

Being in Walmart yesterday and hearing this conversation brought the memories of those sad times and my three tiny angels rushing back in an overwhelming way. I choked back tears for my own losses as well as for the heartbreak of the woman who stood before me.

I wish I could have talked to her, shared my story and listened to hers. I wish I could have offered her some comfort and hope, but was not my place to do that or say anything at all since I did not know her. I truly wanted let her know she is not alone but I didn't know how so I just bit my lip and quietly walked away as soon as my purchased were packed away in the grey bags.

The scenario I saw yesterday did get me thinking a lot about miscarriage - my own and those of so many others. I concluded that one of the hardest thing about this kind of loss is that there is no script for how we should act, react and what, if anything, we should say as a way to offer comfort and sympathy without offending or hurting the grief stricken mother. It's so hard...

Bone Marrow Donor Registry

2007-04-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

I was on a message board playgroup this morning and I saw a post about a little boy my daughter's age (6 months) who has lukemia. How incredibly heartbreaking.

I followed the link to the boy's family website at www.trevorkott.com and was so moved that I went to the Canadian Blood Services site and got the process started to join the registry.

I couldn't believe how few people are a match for patients in need around the world. It only took me about 15 minutes to fill out the only form and it sounds like the rest of the process will be pretty easy too...

I just wanted to pass this along in case anyone else might want to think about joining your national registry and possibly saving a life.

This one's a keeper

2007-04-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of weeks I have been on the hunt for a good oatmal cookie recipe. I finally found one.

These were really easy to make and taste super delicious. I made half with dried cranberries and the other half with chocolate chips - both are yummy!

3/4 cup unsalted butter room temperature
1 cup light brown sugar

1 large egg
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 cup dried cranberries, cherries, or raisins or 1 cup white or dark chocolate chips or walnuts or pecans toasted and chopped (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

In the bowl of your electric mixer (or with a hand mixer), cream the butter and sugar until creamy and smooth (about 2 - 3 minutes).

Add the egg and vanilla extract and beat to combine.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, and ground cinnamon. Add the flour mixture to the creamed mixture and beat until combined. Stir in the nuts, oats, and dried cranberries or chocolate chips.

For large cookies, use 1/4 cup of batter and space the cookies about 2 inches apart on the baking sheet. Then wet your hand and flatten the cookies slightly with your fingers so they are about 1/2 inch thick.

Bake the cookies for about 12 - 15 minutes, or until golden brown around the edges but still soft in the centers. Remove from oven and let the cookies cool a few minutes on the baking sheet before transferring them to a wire rack to cool.

Makes about 20 - 24 large cookies

This recipe comes from my new favorite baking recipe site: www.joyofbaking.com

The view today from my kitchen window

2007-04-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

Our house selling saga continues...

2007-03-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Our realtor called us with another offer for our house yesterday. We are listed at 149,900, the house was appraised at 140,000 we hope to get somewhere in the middle.

These people offered 107,000! I think they must be on drugs. They are a young couple who came to look at it about a month ago. They came with 3 car loads of people, we think both sets of parents at least, and stayed less than 10 minutes. They said they hated our kitchen b/c the rest of the house was done (new floors/baseboards/paint, new furnace installed Oct 06, 5 appliances new in 2003, newer vinyl windows and siding) and really nice they didn't think it was worth the asking price since they'd have to reno the kitchen.

We know the kitchen needs to be updated but we've only lived here four years and new kitchen cabintes and flooring just have not been in our budget. So to them I send a big fat "Whatever..." they need to be told that around 145,000 is what the house is worth without a kitchen reno and 143,000 is a very good counter from us but I doubt anyone will tell them that.

We know they looked at other places after ours. Then they came back here about 2 weeks ago for a second viewing since there isn't really much great out there in this small town. Yesterday they came in with this insane offer -ack! We countered 143,000, which is as low as we'll go...We find out what they had to say to that tonight but we are expecting it to end there...we really hope they just go the heck away - idots!

Now, I don't know if it's all they were approved for or if they are just A-holes. We live in a small town and people know we're being transfered for work and it's not a secret that we're excited to get back to Ontario. Our house has been on the market for nearly 6 months on we only had one other offer last week which came in too low as well. (they offered 130,000, we countered 143,000, they came up to 137,000 we felt it was still too low so we just ended the negotation there. It's a long story but we think they may re-offer soon).

We think these 107,000 people thought they could smell a deal. WRONG! We also think that from their complaining to their agent about the kitchen needing a reno that they are deducting the cost of a kitchen and bath reno from our asking price to get to the 107. DUH! Our realtor told us their realtor tried to explain that their offer was way out of the ballpark and tried to convince them to start higher but they are stubborn.

The only reason we countered at the lowest we'll take is b/c DH thinks if we decline or start to 'play' the negotating game they'll waste everyone's time with stupid ass offers. I wanted to refuse it flat out or counter 147,000 but I think Dh's strategy makes sense and will put an end to the dinking around quickly.

Well, our doggie's got a new home

2007-02-23T18:47:00.000-08:00

On Monday morning the man who DH brought our dog to meet the night before came by our house to pick her up and take her home. She was excited and I am sure a little confused when she hopped in his car and none of us joined them. It was so sad to see her go...her bowls, treats, cushion and leash were already neatly packed away for her big trip. It's hard to believe that I will probably never see her again.

DH and I are both relieved that we've found a great home for our pup. The man wanted a companion to pal around with all day and Ranger is certainly a dog who loves to be with people and go with you even for a ride to the store. We think it's a great match ands she'll have a much better life than we can offer her right now and for the next couple of years. Plus, she'll be living on a 40 acre farm with a huskie dog next door who is missing his old pal so it couldnt' be more perfect.

We left later that morning on our 18 hour road trip to Ontario. We made good time and the kids handled the long drive amazingly well. They both slept great in the hotel room and seem to be adjusting well to living in Nanna's house. We are here for a month long visit so it's worth taking such a long road trip.

I've been thinking about Rangie a lot and wondering how she is. DH will call the man's daughter tomorrow (our friend) to get an update. It won't seem real for me until I am back home and she's not there :( I haven't lived without a dog for more than 13 years...I can't imagine what it will be like. I also worry about my sweet little boy wondering where the heck his doggie-doo has gone. I know it was the right decision but I'm still sad and feeling like there will be a big hole in our lives when we get back home and into the daily routine. I know it will be ok once we get used to it but I'm sure it will still be hard.

Ranger may be going to live with a new family

2007-02-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

It makes me so sad but I think it's for the best. Our 7 year old border collie mix just left with DH to go visit with a friend's father to see if they are a good match.

This man is looking for a dog to adopt because he's recently had to put down his beloved pet. He's lonely and wants a new doggie buddy.

We have been thinking for a while now of finding a new home for our sweet Rangie girl. She just doesn't have the best quality of life right now because we are consumed with J and L. J loves Ranger so much. And they are good buds but I feel bad for the dog since she doesn't get much exercise these days and hasn't for a while. She also doesn't get a whole lot of attention from us either, except for J. In September we had to say goodbye to our older dog Murdoch and since she lost her best friend Rangie seems sad. We wish we could give her a better life and anew buddy to pal around with but right now we just can't. We are going to be moving to Ontario and to a big city. DH will be travelling a lot with his new job once we get there and I will be alone with the kids most of the time which will make things even more lonely for Rangie.

We hope this man connects with her and wants to take her home with him. He lives on a farm and wants a companion to dote on...Ranger is definitely a perfect candidate for that arrangement...

Can they really not find anything better to wear???

2007-02-18T13:17:00.000-08:00

Seriously! What's with these teenage girls who wear their pajama bottoms as regular clothes?? It's so cold here today - minus 20 degrees celcius and windy. On the short drive home from the grocery I saw 2 girls walking in the freezing weather wearing their pj bottoms.

Am I just getting old and cranky? Perhaps. I understand that teens do weird things to stand out, rebel and to fit in with their peers and that clothing trends are a big part of that. I get it but I don't have to like it...I wasn't crazy about the kids wearing their baggy pants practically down around their knees with their drawers hanging out when that was in. The super low-rise jeans and the belly baring spaghetti strap tank tops made me wonder how so many of these young girls got past their parents wearing clothes so revealing. Ack! And now it pj's in public. I suppose we should welcome a change in the direction of covering up butts and bellies but I can't get past how sloppy and lazy it makes them look. It really makes me wonder: Can they not find anything better to wear???

I heard this on Oprah..

2007-02-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

that when you are working out and trying to loose weight you will feel hungrier in the evenings because that's when your body is burning fat. It makes sense right??? At least it did when Oprah's weight loss guru guy explained how it works. Plus, you don't get thin without making changes and sacrificing yummy treats right???

Ack! I'm craving something to snack on right now. It's all I can think about. So, instead of eating junk I am folding laundry, packing for our trip, blogging, knitting...anything that will keep me out of the kitchen. And I keep imagining the numbers I tipped on the scale at my weigh in at Curves this week...I am down 5lbs! That's worth trying to hang on to.

I just hope I don't gain it all back and then some now that I am headed a my month long trip home without my regular Curves workouts.

My Dad's getting divorced...

2007-02-10T13:06:00.000-08:00

I know this is an awful thing to think/say but it's about freaking time!

The story goes like this... My Mom died when I was 17yo. She was in a coma for 9months and we knew she'd never come back to us. My dad's an alcoholic and his drinking was insane during the long 9 months my Mom was in a coma.

Once she was gone he wallowed in his own misery for a while but he soon started dating a few different ladies. They were all nice enough. He lived with one for a while - my brothers and I loved her to bits but it was a rocky relationship for her and my Dad and it ended after a couple of years.

I think the biggest problem for him is that he has never gotten over my Mom, even to this day he still compares his wife Kathy to my Mom all the time. So, I was shocked to find out he had proposed to a woman I'd only met a few times shortly after he started dating her. My brothers and I saw a big change in my Dad when he started dating K. She's a kind lady with a young daughter (C was 8 yo at the time they married). We thought maybe my Dad had turned over a new leaf. He went camping and did all kinds of stuff with them - things he never did with us and that are totally opposite to what he's been like as long as I have known him - he's a homebody, well hermit is actually a better definition.

Anyway, the dating was going well since he was making such a great effort and they started talking about moving in together. K wouldn't move in with him unless they were married so he proposed and they tied the knot only a couple months later.

The day after the wedding things went sour. My Dad called me crying saying he's made a big mistake - ack! He immediately went back to his old ways of drinking and being generally miserable. I was so sad for K and C.

K has admitted to me that she really doesn't even like my Dad anymore. She feels duped by him. She believes that he misrepresented himself when they were dating which he did. That's so shitty! Anyway I guess because she was already divorced once she didn't want to do that again and she told me she would stick it out. SAD! I told her we all loved her and she should do what she feels is right for herself and not worry what other people will say or think.

My Dad's been just as unhappy in the marriage. He feels like she pesters him to do stuff he doesn't want to do. He's not involved at all with anything related to her daughter and Kathy is completely focused on C all the time, who is now 16 yo.

I guess C is going through a difficult phase as most teens do and it's put even more strain on an already weak and miserable union. So, my Dad told his wife he's not happy, and since she's obviously not happy they should go their separate ways. She agreed so they are splitting up. I am relieved although I do worry that it means my Dad will just become depressed and drink himself into oblivion after the dust settles and he's all alone. I hope I'm wrong and that he'll be happy. At least I know K and C will be better off but I will miss them.

Train of thought...

2007-02-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

Today we made a trip to Antigonish to use the gift cards we got for Christmas at the book store there. It's a bit of a drive to get there...an hour or so on the highway. We've made this trip many times before and today as my mind started to wander as I watched the waves lapping the cold and icy ocean shore I wondered how many more times we would travel this highway. I am going to miss living in Nova Scotia once we finally sell our house and move back to Ontario.

Then I thought, what will I do in Ontario? I'd love to stay home as long as I can with our children. The cost of living is so much higher there and things are tight as it is. I will need to find work sooner or later - hopefully later, much later.

I started thinking that I would really like to work in the medical field, in a hospital or clinic perhaps. I have no experience or training in anything remotely medical. I have been thinking for a long time about becoming an ultrasound technician. I looked into this a year or so ago and learned that there are only a few schools that offer such a program and one is in the area where we are moving.

So, I thought about how I would go about such an endeavor. First, I want to and need to finish my MA in Sociology. Also, I will need to go back and find out what the pre-requisites are for the u/s/radiology tech program. I am hoping to finish up my MA and get the pre-req's for college and still be a SAHM.

I was really excited at the idea of being an u/s tech and wondered what kind of place I would work. Would I get to do a lot of pregnancy ultrasounds? How fun! But wait, maybe not so fun, right?? I have personally had more than one 'not fun' u/s. Could I really be the one to be the first to see and know that instead of a fetus there is a blighted ovum, or instead of a viable pregnancy there is nothing? I got really sad and started to tear up at the thought that u/s techs are sometimes called in to check babies that are near term...how would I handle being the first to see that baby's heart has stopped beating?

The day I found out that my second pregnancy was not viable and that my little baby had stopped developing at 8w6d (I was more than 10weeks along at that point) the regular u/s tech at our hospital was training a new tech. It was the young woman fresh from school who was at the controls in front of the magical, mystery screen and with the want on my little belly. She was the first to see that my baby had no heartbeat. I remember the room being so painfully silent. I was barely breathing. "Please tell me what you saw" I begged them both, but they said they weren't sure and couldn't say. Instead they just wheeled me off to talk to the ER Dr.

So, today as we drove along the highway that we'd driven a hundred times or more in the last 4 years, to the town where there is better shopping and restaurants and where the hospital is ...where twice we were heartbroken to learn that our babies stopped developing and twice we were blessed when I gave birth to our beautiful healthy children...I wondered how that young woman felt and what she was thinking that day at 10am staring at the screen and knowing she did not have good news to share. I hope that wasn't her fist day. I don't know that I could do that job and not cry and hug the woman who lay on the exam table. Maybe being an u/s tech isn't for me. Then I thought, maybe it is because I have been on both sides...

Then I spilled coffee all down the front of my coat and my train of thought was lost.

We're still here and that isn't so bad

2007-01-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

We haven't heard from our realtor since December 27th. This comes as no surprise although B is pretty disappointed. He is headed back to work on January 22nd and was really hoping to be starting his new job in Ontario instead of going back to his old position here in NS. He is so excited about moving back to Ontario and living in the city again.

I feel differently about it these days especially with 2 little ones to care for. I find the longer we stay here the less I want to move. I know that we all will have so many more opportunities in Ontario than we do here but I am really starting to love the pace of life here.

The things that bugged me about small town life in the first few years we lived here are things I find charming now and I know I will miss them. Like small talk with strangers and people peeking in your shopping cart at the grocery store to see what's for dinner or taking the time to hold the door open for you even when you are still on the sidewalk and not all that close to the door.

Going back home to Ontario or even just to Halifax for visits in the last year really emphasized how different life is in the big city. I suppose it's gonna take time to get used to the difference in the pace of life just like it did when we moved out here.

Will this house ever sell?!?!

2006-12-31T07:48:00.000-08:00

Geez! I can't believe we are still here in NS. We had so hoped to be moved back to ON by now, or at least to have sold our house and working out the details of the big move... NOPE.

On Christmas Eve our realtor called to say that a couple wanted to come see our house on Dec 27th. We were so excited that this might be it for us. We thought that they must be pretty serious to want to go around and look at houses 2 days after Christmas.

So, B and I rushed around getting things perfect for the big viewing only to find out from our realtor that the people who came to see our house were never serious in the first place. Apparently, after she drove them all over town looking at houses they informed her that they had already decided they were going to buy a lot and build a new place. NICE!

Again, we have to hurry up & wait and hope that the New Year will bring us better luck and the right buyers for our lovely home.

Remembering My Angels

2006-12-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

Today is the third anniversary of my first miscarriage.

Today is the second anniversary of the estimated due date of my second pregnancy which also ended in miscarriage.

Since my heartbreaking losses in 2003 and 2004 I have been blessed with two beautiful, healthy children. The babies I lost are never far from my thoughts. I think about the 2 little souls that I've lost all year long but December 23rd is a day that is especially hard...Christmas time is bittersweet for me.

I love you my little angels. xoxo

Geez, where has the time gone?

2006-12-21T18:28:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it's been over 2 months since I posted last. I keep meaning too but every time I sit down to do it something comes up!

Last time I checked in I was about to meet my new baby. The induction went amazingly well.

This is our Baby Girl's Birth Story

After getting J settled with a dear friend of ours we headed to the hospital. I was really nervous about being induced.

We arrived at 7:15am and by 7:30am I was in the delivery room getting the prostaglandin gel applied. I was 3cms dilated and had been contracting sporadically prior to that but nothing regular. My OB explained that the gel was to get things softer and I shouldn't expect to go into full blown labour with just the gel. He would be back at noon to break my water. So, B and I walked the halls of the maternity wing all morning long with little breaks every half hour to be hooked up to the monitor by our wonderful nurse Anne to check on baby. Baby was doing great but was still pretty high up and my contractions seemed to get a little stronger but still weren't in any kind of pattern.

At 12:30pm my OB returned to break my water. I was a little disappointed to hear that I was now 3 and a half cms dilated but everything was clear, baby was still doing great and we were told to keep walking. Within about an hour I started to contract regularly at about 5 mintues apart but I was still comfortable.

By 2pm the half hour intervals between monitor checks with the nurse seemed to be coming faster and faster. I was getting uncomfortable but still handling the contractions well.

At 3:30pm I must have looked like things were changing and I was so uncomfortable through the contractions when I was lying on the bed during that monitor check that the nurse decided to check me herself to see where I was at in terms of dilation. I was 7cms. I begged to get up and when she said that was fine I hopped off the bed.

Things progressed quickly from there. Within about 5 minutes I felt intense pressure. I ran to the bathroom to pee and when I came out I knew this was it - I just HAD to push! I could tell there was a sense of panic from B and the nurse too. She told me not to push that I couldn't be ready for that yet and to at least wait for the Dr. She ran out of the room to call my OB. She quickly returned with another nurse who both realized this was it for me and asked what I wanted to do (stand and wait or get on the bed) I didn't care I just wanted to push.

Soon the Dr arrived. He had a look and scrambled to his feet to get his gear on since the head was right there. There was no time to even break down the bed. I was told it was ok to push so I did with all my might. On the third push the Dr was encouraging me by saying "push, push" and suddenly he shouted "stop, stop!" - too late! the baby came flying out and was on the table faster than anyone expected.

It was incredible. I asked if it was a boy or girl. B had already whispered it in my ear twice apparently but I didn't hear him. The Dr held her up and said look for yourself but the umbilical cord was in the way and I couldn't really tell. Finally everyone said: "She's a GIRL!" B and I are truly tickled pink! Our little girl is as healthy as can be and so beautiful. She was born at 4:04pm and was 6lbs 12 oz and 21 inches tall and perfect in every way!

Her big brother is adjusting well to his new role. Today he did something that brought tears to my eyes. Baby L was napping in her swing (which was not swinging at the time) and her blanket slipped off her lap. I was busy folding clothes and was about to get up when J toddled over, grabbed the blanket off the floor and gently replaced it on L's lap being careful not to cover her face. He said sweetly, "Ok Baby, sleep sleep" and then he turned on the swing and switched on the music button and tried his best to hum along to the lullaby.

I cherish every second of every day these days since I know these sweet and gentle times will pass so quickly. I am so blessed.

Tomorrow's the big day!

2006-10-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

I had my 39 week appointment today. I had an ultrasound last week because the Dr was worried about baby's size. The ultrasound report came back with good results and show the baby has grown well and is within the normal range. At my appointment today everything is normal: bp, baby's heartrate and my weight gain but when he measured my belly I am still at 36cms! He did not like that there was no still apparent growth in the last 6 weeks - I am concerned about this too...

Then, he did an internal and said I am still at 2cms my cervix is ripe and baby hasn't moved down any further from last week...he or she is just waiting there for who knows what to happen. So, because he is concerned about growth...he said the u/s was good but it doesn't tell us much about how and when baby is growing... and since I am only a couple of days away from my due date he wants to induce to get things started since he seems to think my body is ready and just needs a bit of a push.

So, tomorrow morning at 7:30 he wants to start with gel on the cervix and see how things go from there. I am excited to know that tomorrow's the big day and it's nice to be able to make arrangments for J without being in the midst of labour. B is excited that we are not in limbo waiting on baby. I am very nervous about being induced. I hope and pray all goes smoothly, quickly and that baby #2 arrives safe and healthy!

Wish us luck

House for sale and 7 days to go....

2006-10-15T19:02:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday we got another call from the relocation specialist. She chewed us out for not having listed our house yet! With a baby on the way and so much to do around the house to get it ready to seel I just wanted to slap her! Can't she understand we are really trying here??? But, we also realize that houses are harder to sell in the winter. Especially when you live in a region of the country that gets dumped with tonnes of snow. So, we finally got a call into our realtor and listed the house on Wednesday. Since then we have been running around like fools cleaning and clearing out our junk. It feels good to get it done. I just hope this house sells FAST!

I also wish that we could get our new furnace installed sometime soon. Yep, they finally told us we need to replace the whole darn thing, which in itself is fine with us but clearly it seems too much to ask that something related to our furnace fiasco would go smoothly. The furnace was ordered a week and a half ago and it should have arrived early last week -it didn't. The whole week went by without a word from the oil company so we have no idea what's going on. We are keeping our fingers crossed that it's there now and they will come in Monday or Tuesday this week and put it in....please wish us luck with that :)

So now we wait...we wait to sell our house, we wait for a new furnace get finally get installed and we wait for baby #2 to arrive. Yes! Only 7 days to go to our expected due date for this little one! I hope he or she decides to arrive sooner rather than later...I am getting quite impatient with tardiness these days - LOL!

I cannot believe this...

2006-09-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

B just got off the phone with a representative from the relocation department for his work. Apparently the transfer orders are all signed and everyone who needs to do something with regard to our big move has been notified including the realtor advisors/relocators.

So, B provides all the information required to the representative. She tells him we can put our house on the market today if we want. Ummm, NO! He explains that we are planning to postpone putting it up for sale at least until the end of October since our new baby is due in about 3 weeks...Guess what? We're not allowed to delay it that long. Once they get things started, which they have, we have to list it as soon as they send their appraisers out, and this will happen in the next week or so. Nice!?!

Today, I am two days shy of 37weeks pregnant and this is very unwelcome news. And now it's too late to ask for a deferral because the wheels are already in motion. We thought we'd made it very clear that we could not get things started until early November...I guess no one there cares about that! Nice!?!

Fall is here!

2006-09-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

It struck me hard today as I walked through the grocery store how much I love fall. It is my favorite season of all. The brilliant orange pumpkins, the pretty fall flowers and all the spectacularly colourful and delicious veggies that are in season really made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Later in the afternoon as I walked around the yard with my curious little boy I marveled at how quickly the leaves on the trees have gone from lush green to yellow, orange, red and how the grass beneath my feet is now suddenly brown. The snap in the brisk fall air is my most favorite feel and smell...especially on very cool days when you can catch a whif of logs burning in someone's fireplace. I imagine the warmth on my face from the roaring fire.

Fall is when I most love to go on long nature walks. It's so calming to listen to the leaves crunch underfoot and breathe in the freshness of the air as deeply as I can. I couldn't help but think it is very bittersweet since the beautiful fall weather that filled me up inside also made me realize how much I miss my beloved dog...

M, I hope you are rolling in a great big pile of leaves in doggie heaven. xox

I just can't quit.

2006-09-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

I deleted my blog a few days ago but have since decided to start it up again. I am a little sad that I lost all my entries from before...ah well, that's life.
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30 days left and counting....

I am doing well still. Up until just the last few days I found the time was flying by with this pregnancy but now it is starting to slow down. I guess that's what happens when you get near the end and are ready.

Yep, I am ready...bags are packed, baby gear is clean and ready for use, freezer is full of yummy meals. B goes off work using his vacation time as of Oct 1st! I can't wait to have him around full time to help with J, although part of me wonders if being less busy chasing after J will make time feel like it's dragging even more. B's definitely not worried about this though, he's convinced this baby will arrive early - his prediction is Oct 6th, which is the night of the full moon. J was born almost 3 weeks early on the night of a full moon. Only time will tell :)