Getting there...

It's been a few months since I was released from my trainer. I felt a huge difference immediately in my stress level when it came to work. While there is still a lot of stress involved it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Things are going much better now...slowly but surely I am gaining confidence. I don't dread going to work like I did a few months ago. I like the job and look forward to improving my skill and expanding my knowledge. All's going well as far as I can tell as I haven't been told otherwise by my bosses, so that's good.

Managing the shiftwork routine has been alright. Kids and hubby are still doing great with all the changes. We love our sitter and it's all working very well in that respect. My brother took the kids to his house for the weekend a couple of weeks ago when we had a last minute change of plans for their care while we were both working and it turned out to be a great, great thing for everyone. Kids had a blast with their aunt and uncle, my brother and his wife loved hanging with the kids and hubby and I were grateful to know that our little ones were being well cared for and getting the rare chance to spend good quality time with family.

With summer coming up, things are going to get a lot busier for me at work. I am actually really looking forward to being there when it's crazy busy and learning how to do this job at a faster pace and get better and better at it.

I knew from the outset that this would all be a big adjustment on so many levels. I am definitely not over the hump yet but at least I am no longer living most days with my heart in my throat and my stomach in knots. Slowly but surely I am getting there and feeling more like myself again...which is nice because I really missed me.

What was I thinking?

I face this new year with such mixed feelings about the new direction my life has taken since starting my new job. I knew it would be a huge adjustment. Kids and hubby are doing well on that front. I, on the other hand need some help. I knew this job would be hard, the changes to my lifestyle would be profound and getting used to the changes it meant for every aspect of my life wouldn't be easy. I also thought I was prepared for the ups and downs, the frustations and the moments of feeling proud for all that I had accomplished. I'm taking the downs and the frustrations much harder than I thought. The ups and good moments are definitely clouded by my feelings of being overwhelmed, wondering to myself...what the heck was I thinking taking on a job like this.

The high stress all. the. time. is wearing my down. The shiftwork is much harder to do than I thought it would be. I didn't expect to dislike my mentor so much. We've been together now since Oct 21st. At first I was happy that we were paired up. I was eager to push through the training and she was of the same mind. Unfortunately, as I have come to learn, this sort job cannot be learned by pushing through the training phase. You really need to have it be organic and take the time you need to absorb it all. I learned that a few weeks in, but my trainer seems intent on just being done with me. She and I have very different styles and the stress it creates for me is totally overwhelming sometimes. Some days I honestly dread the thought of spending 11 hours with her...I feel physically ill and comtemplate calling in sick more often than I care to admit.

I was speaking with a co-worker the other. She is so sweet and was giving me a pep talk after we (together) took a *big* call. She said everyone feels this way in the beginning. It's natural and totally normal and that it will get better. She said once you get over the hump, which is the huge learning curve and gaining a sense of confidence in your ability to do the job it gets much better. Then she said took her 3 years to get there. I thought I might barf...three years? three years! OMG...how am I going to make it through this for that long given how I am feeling a mere 3 months in. UGH!

What makes this even harder is that I know there is a lot of pressure on me to keep this job. The hours, despite being hard for me to manage personally, are ideal given my hubby's schedule. We finally bought the house from DH's parents so we have a mortgage to pay, we had to buy a new car, so we have car payments too. We wouldn't be able to afford any of this if I left my job. Most days I feel so, so very overwhelmed and I'm not sure how to cope with this much stress and pressure. I just keep on keeping on and hope that things will turn around soon and I can start to feel better about it all.

It's a New Year!

So much has changed since last year at this time. It's amazing to think of where I was and where we were as a family only 1 year ago. I was a stay-at-home mom who was on the slow road to recovery from my health scare. DH was applying to get transfered home. The kids were doing well despite all the upheaval my illness caused. My Aunt Cathy was alive and had no idea yet she was riddled with tumors as a result of undiagnosed ovarian cancer.

Twelve months later so much is different, some things are so good and others...well, meh...not so great. As for the great things, I am well and healthy again. Kids are happy, healthy and so much fun! DH was transfered and is happy to be home despite the fact that he does not like his new assignment. I am gainfully employed - this is both good and not so great all at once. Sadly, my Aunt Cathy died in October after a painful but very brave battle.

I start this new year hoping it turns out to be a great one filled with happy memories like last year and hopefully less heartache.

One week later...

and all's well.

It took about 1 hour on the first day for my nerves to settle and after that it was all good. I had a great first week at my new job. I am learning a lot and know that I will really enjoy the challenge of this job. The others in my group of new hires are nice; we all get along pretty well so far. I've really connected with a few of my peers, which is so nice. It feels great to get to spend the day with grown ups. There is a lot to learn and I have a lot of work to do at home in addition to my full days but I am loving it.

On the homefront things are great too. It's been a very smooth transition for all of us. Fortunately, because my DH works shift work he was home with the kids the first few days. After that, MIL looked after them. That went surprisingly well. And, they also got to go to the babysitter for one of the days too and that went great. It was so much fun for DS in fact that he cried when he had to leave the sitters. So all in all a great first week for everyone involved.

I am feeling so good about my decision to return to the paid workforce. I know there will be a lot of ups and downs, but it's been very reassuring to have my first week go so well.

Saturday night

This Saturday night doesn't feel much different than any other in the past 6 months since DH's transfer, however the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach reminds me that it is definitely not like all the others.

In less than 36hrs I will be starting a new job. I will have already been up for 4 hours, driven into town, and will be sitting in an orientation session that will probably make my head spin.

DH said he thinks my first 5 weeks of intensive training and what follows with the on-the-job training will feel like being shot out of a cannon. I know he's right.

I started the application process for this kind of job almost a year ago. I put two years of thought into what I wanted to do when I'd finally return to the paid workforce. I know this is it. I know that this IS what I want. I've not chosen an easy path, that's for sure! It will certainly be very challenging and rewarding career.

I can't wait. It feels like it's taken forever to get to this point. At the same, time these last few weeks, since I got the call that I made the cut and was offered the job, seem to be flying by so fast.

I've filled my freezer with ready to cook homemade meals to make dinners easier to plan and execute.

I've organized and cleaned just about everything (well, except for the clutter of baby toys in the basement, which mock me each time I walk by them to do laundry).

I've made the necessary childcare arrangements, which are by far my greatest concern and what I stress most about, especially since MIL is going to be helping out in that respect. I'll save the details for a separate post, which hopefully will not be a big long rant -lol.

I've gotten my hair cut, picked out my 'first day of work' outfit, bought a cute new red lunch bag, and planned my route among many, many other things. So, I'm ready.

I'm so ready. I'm happy. I'm nervous. I'm excited. And, I'm sad. Sad to see my days as a SAHM come to an end. While sometimes the hours here at home dragged on and on for what felt like weeks. I cannot believe how fast these last three years have passed. I cannot believe that I am on the threshold of starting a new career, a new lifestyle, a new chapter in my life story.

And so it shall be...

I have two beautiful, healthy, adorable children. We are a happy little family and my DH is quite satisfied with what we have. I am too. I know very well how blessed I am for what I have but somewhere tugging at my heart was always a feeling that someone is missing. I really want to add to our family and expected that we would have at least one more.

At the end of March I had my 6 month follow up appointment with the bloodclot doctor. The Dr and I talked about a lot of things. My risk for having more bloodclots, etc... I am at an increased risk than the general population for developing them, especially in the next 2 years but he seemed pretty confident I would be just fine. If I ever have them again I have to be on bloodthinners for the rest of my life He cannot say for sure that being on birth control pills is what caused it, which is frustrating but oh well.

We also talked about the future and situations that put me at higher risk of clotting. The only truly risky situation for me really is any future pregnancy. If I choose to try for another baby I have to contact the thrombosis clinic and go on injectible bloodthinners while ttc, throughout the pg and for at least 6 weeks after delivery. Pregnancy put women's bodies into a hypercoagualted state so it would put me at a greater risk for DVT or PE. My family Dr later said that it would also mean a planned c-section for delivery so they could have more control as I have to be off the bloodthinners prior to delivery and then right back on them post-partum.

Dr. said that if I want more children I should not let this stop me. That it's totally manageable I'd just have to be followed closely through them. I really didn't know what to think. I was stunned and went right to the thought that I guess that means we will have no more babies.

I feel kinda dumb and naive because I totally wasn't expecting this information or any restrictions once my 6 month treatment course was complete. I honestly thought he would just sign off on me and say go live your life you're fine.

DH reacted as I expected he would - by planning to schedule an appointment for a vasectomy. I still don't feel done having babies yet but I am so scared of the risks and the idea of giveing myself a needle everyday for a year or more is not very appealing.

As more than a month's time has ticked by since I got this information I have been letting it rattle around in my head, slowly mulling it over. I think I need to accept that we are done having babies. I just can't take that kind of risk - there are just too many. I cannot take the chance of leaving my DH a widower or my children motherless. Still though, it's hard to accept that we are really done making babies.

So much is new...

I'm not sure where to begin.

DH is home. His transfer got pushed through quickly and he started a new job here closer to home in March. He likes his new job and having him here is a relief for us all.

Kids are growing up fast. DS just turned 4! They are so happy that spring has finally arrived. They love playing outside in the nice warm weather. Easter was a very happy holiday at our house this year. They loved helping bake Easter cookies, spending time with family and searching for the goodies the Bunny left behind.

I am looking for a job. I have been in the application process for a cool job that I have always wanted to do. It's going fast and I am doing well, so far succeeding at all the phases including passing my french language proficiency evaluation with flying colours! I have my panel interview this weekend and should find out by mid-June if I get a job offer. Training starts in September so this would be perfect. If it doesn't work out I will put off applying for jobs until the fall.

I had surgery last Wedsneday to remove my gallbladder. I was surprised by how crummy I felt afterwards. I mean, I guess I knew I wouldn't feel great but I felt awful. It could have also been because everyone in the house had the flu just after I got home. I am sure some of how bad I was feeling was from that...ugh! Anyway, it's now just less than a week after the surgery and I am feeling almost back to normal. Just a little sore at the incisions (I had a laporascopic procedure done). YAY!

There are a lot of things on my mind. I just don't have time to write it all out now, but will come back and blog about that soon.

Hooray for Spring :)

Valentine treats

These are the cookies I made for my kids' nursery school friends in lieu of cards and chocolate. They turned out pretty cute if I do say so myself. ;)