Waiting, waiting, waiting...

It's June 15th at 2pm and we are still waiting to hear whether the buyer has met his conditions yet. He did indicate the other day when he was here doing the home inspection that he may need a few more days but that it wouldn't affect the original closing date of July 15th... Boy, it sure would be nice to know what's going on.

DH says no news is good news...I know he's right but, it sure would be nice to know what's going on...

Fate or something else?

As time ticks away and we get closer to a real deal on the sale of our house I have been pondering how these events have unfolded for us. All day I can't seem to get out from under the thought that fate or something else magical had a lot to do with how things are turning out for us.

Our house was the market for nearly 8 months with not much action as we waited wringing our hands, hoping and praying someone would come along soon and buy our house so we could just move to Toronto.

Then, only few days after we decided to just go ahead and have me move to Ottawa with the kids things started happening fast. It's not like this buyer just came along and saw our house the day before he put in his offer...he sat on it for over 2 months. Had he put in his bid earlier we would have either not been moving at all (since we took a lot less for our house than we could afford to loose if we were still going to TO) or we would already be living in Toronto.

It's funny how things work out. Maybe it's fate or my Mom's spirit protecting us and guiding us from heaven, or maybe it's neither and just it's dumb luck...

I'm not a fan of the dumb luck theory and it warms my heart and makes me feel really good to think it's my dear Mom's doing in a mystical, magical way of influencing the fates.

Thanks Mom xo

Almost there....

Our buyer did an inspection of our house yesterday. DH was here for it and said it went well. We are still awaiting somekind of update from our realtor but we believe that things are going to proceed with the sale without any further negotiation.

The buyer just needs to wrap things up with his sale so he can remove his conditions on our contract in the next couple of days and then we are good to go!

As long as all goes as planned our closing date is July 15th. Yahooo!!!!

I didn't think I'd feel this way when we sold

We got an offer the other day. It was ok but not great. In the end they refused our counter and were going to walk. We choked back our pride and decided to accept the original offer so that we can move on.

The last eight months of having our house on the market have worn us down. Plus, last week we made a big decision which enables us to take less for the house. After trying so hard to negotiate a deal with DH's employer to get his transfer changed to allow him to go to Ottawa and failing to do so got us thinking about what we really want.

We really want to be able to buy DH's parents' house. We want to raise our family in that town. We know that DH's new work involves a lot of business trips so whether we are in Ottawa or Toronto I will be alone at least half the time with the kids. We know it will be so much better for me and the kids and our finances to just relocated to Ottawa now. So, we've decided that I am going to live in DH's parents' place with the kids. DH will find room and board accommodations in Toronto for work. He can work out his 3 year contract there and then he's free to move to Ottawa.

With the conditional sale of our house - they have until June 15th to remove their condition and then it becomes final - I find myself feeling an incredible mix of emotions.

I feel like I want to barf when I think of what a great price the buyers of this house are getting because they were real assholes to deal with.

I am nervous about DH having to travel so much for his job.

I am thrilled about getting to go home to Ottawa with the kids.

I am worried about how much of a toll this living apart half the time will take on our marriage.

I am relieved that I will have friends and family nearby to help me while DH is away.

I am frustrated that we had to take a huge loss on our house here to get it sold.

I am happy that it won't kill us financially now that we have worked out a good deal with DH's parents.

I am sad that may be nearing the end of our time in our very first home.

I want to move on but in a weird way I am kind of hoping the deal falls through so we can try to get more money for this house and deal with much nicer buyers.

I need time to let it sink in. When that happens I know I will be able to let go of the negative feelings I have about this sale and the turkeys we're selling it to. Only 8 days to go until we find out if we do indeed have a deal. Until then, I am sure these feelings and more will be swirling around in my head....I truly never expected to feel this way when we finally came to the point where the move could really happen. I thought I would just be happy and stressed about the details. I am surprised there is so much more there.

For now, it's a NO.

DH called staffing today to see if they would be able to change his transfer order and they said that at this time Toronto does not agree to release him to Ottawa. If he met the language requirement it might be easier to convince Ottawa to fight for him. Staffing guy told DH to keep him updated on what's happening at our end and strongly encouraged him to get his language profile up to par.

I am disappointed but OK. It doesn't change anything for us since we knew it was a long shot. Plus, it's good to hear that there may still be a chance of getting it switched if circumstances make that beneficial to the employer or something else changes...like DH meeting the language requirement or if we haven't sold our house after 2 years of trying.

Who knows, maybe even if we excede the time frame for sale of our home or DH does get the score he needs for French TO may still hang onto to us for dear life because there are 35 guys in Toronto who've been waiting more than a year to be transfered out and can't leave because they are wating for replacments like DH. Gosh, I hope after DH does his 3 years that doesn't happen to us.

I looked up the symbolism of Eagles last night. They represent strength and courage - both of which will come in handy if things don't pan out for getting home on our next move.

Marble Mountain

This afternoon we decided to go for a Sunday drive. It was a beautiful sunny day and with the prospect (and great hope) of DH going to work in Ottawa very soon we thought we should take advantage of the nice weather and tour the Island we've lived on for the last 4 years.

A ride up to Marble Mountain is one of my favorite afternoon Cape Breton drives. The view of Lac Bras D'Or from up there is breathtaking.

By the time we got to the lookout the kids were both fast asleep. So, DH and I sat on the bench overlooking the clear blue water. We sipped our coffees, marveled at nature, took a few pics and talked about our hopes for the future. It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
As we discussed the possibility of getting our transfer changed from Toronto to Ottawa two Bald Eagles came into sight. They were quite close at first but quickly flew far out over the water. I did my best to capture them with my camera but they were really far away. The one in this pics is flying right over the island that is in the middle of the picture above.

Are majestic eagles soaring overhead a sign of good fortune? I sure hope so.

Spirit Babies

A few weeks ago I was thinking a lot about the babies I've lost. The 3rd anniversary of my 2nd m/c and the D&C I had to have for it is about a week away. DH noticed I was down in the dumps and when I told him why he just listened. I asked him if he ever wonders about them and what they'd be like he just smiled and said - they're J...they were all J waiting for the perfect time.

Well, that's one way to look at it, and while I'll never stop being sad and wondering what would have been I take some comfort from DH's perspective and belief on this subject. It's the same idea as the article below, which is a real tearjerker. I came across this on a pg loss board after my 2nd m/c. I guess DH is not alone in his thinking about m/c.

RELATED ARTICLE: Spirit baby.
PEGGY VINCENT
NOVEMBER 1983
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

Colin, my 12-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.Stunned when the test came back positive, my husband, Rog, and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence.

At 41, my professional life consumed me. I had just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I'd been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley, California, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered 12 babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and my daughter, Jill, approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulder, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born ... now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?

Plan C

Here's a short recap of where we've been so far and why we need Plan C:

Plan A was to sell and move to Toronto before Christmas. That obviously didn't happen.

Plan B was to just move to Ontario. We tried to make this work in Feb/Mar. I was to stay with family in Ottawa with the kids and DH was going to stay with a family friend until we sold our house in N.S. and could buy something in T.O. But, our family friend was unable to help us out so plan B got scrapped.

So, now for Plan C, which came to DH the other morning.

We have had our house on the market for nearly 8 months now so, DH thought at this point perhaps we could try to convince his employer to consider taking him in Ottawa now in order to get him working for the unit he's been trained and waiting to get to over a year. Lots of BS from his current boss and not being able to sell our house quickly has kept us here since March 2006!

So, he called and explained to the HR guy for that unit that if they would be willing to give him time to meet the French language requirements (Ottawa requires intermediate french ability in reading, written and oral) while on the job in Ottawa he could start next week . He would stay with his parents until our house here sells and I would remain here with the kids (in the short term at least). The HR guy actually listened to everything DH had to say and is taking the rest of the week to see what he can do. Yay!!!

This is much more than we expected. Dh was sure he'd get told no right off the bat. We are afraid to believe that this dream could come true for us. We can deal with it if the answer is NO, but we hope so much that they will allow DH to start working for this unit, which happens to be desperate for qualified people.

DH is only somewhat optmisitc. I think it's because he doesn't want to get his hopes up only to be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Totally understandable. Personally, I think our chances are good. We have clearly demonstrated that we are doing everything we can to get to Ontario. The housing market here is so slow that all we can do it wait for the right buyer to come along. Several others who've been transferred from here in the past few years have taken up to a year to sell their homes, so what's happening to us is not usual for this area.

We know that it could still be a long time before we sell this house and buy one in Ottawa but we're willing to do whatever it takes to get back home and if it means that I'll be here with the kids for a while it's fine, we'll figure it out.

So, I have my fingers, toes and everything else crossed, and I am praying that they go for Plan C so we can skip Toronto and just get straight home. If you can spare any, we could really use some prayers and positive thoughts that they decide to change DH's transfer and take him in Ottawa.

Sunshine and renewed hope

It's a warm, bright sunshiny day. It seems as though spring has finally arrived in Cape Breton - hooray!

I had a dream last night that we were packing up our house because we were finally moving! Here's hoping that this dream comes true very soon.

When you least expect it...

I live in a small town where small talk reigns supreme but sometimes the most innocent remark or question can bring someone's world crashing down. This is what happened to the cashier who was ringing in my items yesterday at Walmart.

The interaction I witnessed between the cashier and a pal of hers who was going through another line:

Acquaintance: Hey Ronda! How's it going?

A smiling and relaxed Rhonda replies: Oh, not bad.

Acquaintance: So, any babies yet for you?

Rhonda looked completely crushed her cheeks instanly flushed bright red and obsviously holding back tears she simply shook her head no.

Acquaintance: Oh, Rhonda, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Rhonda: You're not the first....

Silence.

I don't know the details but clearly there has been some trying and loss...

I stood there suddenly wishing I was not buying a little Take Along Thomas set for my little boy and a new bib and spoons for my little girl.

I just wanted to reach out and hug this woman who was clearly going through something really hard and sad. My heart truly went out to her because I felt like I could relate to her situation.

We TTC and lost three pregnancies to miscarriage before being blessed with two healthy pgs from which I gave birth to two beautiful, healthy children. The losses we suffered were awfully hard and so heartbreaking for me and my husband. Many times in those dark days following the devasting m/c's I found myself in Rhonda's shoes with a lump in my thoat and tears welling in my eyes in a public place because a curious and well meaning acqauintance asked the 'wrong' question.

Being in Walmart yesterday and hearing this conversation brought the memories of those sad times and my three tiny angels rushing back in an overwhelming way. I choked back tears for my own losses as well as for the heartbreak of the woman who stood before me.

I wish I could have talked to her, shared my story and listened to hers. I wish I could have offered her some comfort and hope, but was not my place to do that or say anything at all since I did not know her. I truly wanted let her know she is not alone but I didn't know how so I just bit my lip and quietly walked away as soon as my purchased were packed away in the grey bags.

The scenario I saw yesterday did get me thinking a lot about miscarriage - my own and those of so many others. I concluded that one of the hardest thing about this kind of loss is that there is no script for how we should act, react and what, if anything, we should say as a way to offer comfort and sympathy without offending or hurting the grief stricken mother. It's so hard...

Bone Marrow Donor Registry

I was on a message board playgroup this morning and I saw a post about a little boy my daughter's age (6 months) who has lukemia. How incredibly heartbreaking.

I followed the link to the boy's family website at www.trevorkott.com and was so moved that I went to the Canadian Blood Services site and got the process started to join the registry.

I couldn't believe how few people are a match for patients in need around the world. It only took me about 15 minutes to fill out the only form and it sounds like the rest of the process will be pretty easy too...

I just wanted to pass this along in case anyone else might want to think about joining your national registry and possibly saving a life.

This one's a keeper

For the last couple of weeks I have been on the hunt for a good oatmal cookie recipe. I finally found one.

These were really easy to make and taste super delicious. I made half with dried cranberries and the other half with chocolate chips - both are yummy!

3/4 cup unsalted butter room temperature
1 cup light brown sugar

1 large egg
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 cup dried cranberries, cherries, or raisins or 1 cup white or dark chocolate chips or walnuts or pecans toasted and chopped (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

In the bowl of your electric mixer (or with a hand mixer), cream the butter and sugar until creamy and smooth (about 2 - 3 minutes).

Add the egg and vanilla extract and beat to combine.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, and ground cinnamon. Add the flour mixture to the creamed mixture and beat until combined. Stir in the nuts, oats, and dried cranberries or chocolate chips.

For large cookies, use 1/4 cup of batter and space the cookies about 2 inches apart on the baking sheet. Then wet your hand and flatten the cookies slightly with your fingers so they are about 1/2 inch thick.

Bake the cookies for about 12 - 15 minutes, or until golden brown around the edges but still soft in the centers. Remove from oven and let the cookies cool a few minutes on the baking sheet before transferring them to a wire rack to cool.

Makes about 20 - 24 large cookies

This recipe comes from my new favorite baking recipe site: www.joyofbaking.com

The view today from my kitchen window

Our house selling saga continues...

Our realtor called us with another offer for our house yesterday. We are listed at 149,900, the house was appraised at 140,000 we hope to get somewhere in the middle.

These people offered 107,000! I think they must be on drugs. They are a young couple who came to look at it about a month ago. They came with 3 car loads of people, we think both sets of parents at least, and stayed less than 10 minutes. They said they hated our kitchen b/c the rest of the house was done (new floors/baseboards/paint, new furnace installed Oct 06, 5 appliances new in 2003, newer vinyl windows and siding) and really nice they didn't think it was worth the asking price since they'd have to reno the kitchen.

We know the kitchen needs to be updated but we've only lived here four years and new kitchen cabintes and flooring just have not been in our budget. So to them I send a big fat "Whatever..." they need to be told that around 145,000 is what the house is worth without a kitchen reno and 143,000 is a very good counter from us but I doubt anyone will tell them that.

We know they looked at other places after ours. Then they came back here about 2 weeks ago for a second viewing since there isn't really much great out there in this small town. Yesterday they came in with this insane offer -ack! We countered 143,000, which is as low as we'll go...We find out what they had to say to that tonight but we are expecting it to end there...we really hope they just go the heck away - idots!

Now, I don't know if it's all they were approved for or if they are just A-holes. We live in a small town and people know we're being transfered for work and it's not a secret that we're excited to get back to Ontario. Our house has been on the market for nearly 6 months on we only had one other offer last week which came in too low as well. (they offered 130,000, we countered 143,000, they came up to 137,000 we felt it was still too low so we just ended the negotation there. It's a long story but we think they may re-offer soon).

We think these 107,000 people thought they could smell a deal. WRONG! We also think that from their complaining to their agent about the kitchen needing a reno that they are deducting the cost of a kitchen and bath reno from our asking price to get to the 107. DUH! Our realtor told us their realtor tried to explain that their offer was way out of the ballpark and tried to convince them to start higher but they are stubborn.

The only reason we countered at the lowest we'll take is b/c DH thinks if we decline or start to 'play' the negotating game they'll waste everyone's time with stupid ass offers. I wanted to refuse it flat out or counter 147,000 but I think Dh's strategy makes sense and will put an end to the dinking around quickly.

Well, our doggie's got a new home

On Monday morning the man who DH brought our dog to meet the night before came by our house to pick her up and take her home. She was excited and I am sure a little confused when she hopped in his car and none of us joined them. It was so sad to see her go...her bowls, treats, cushion and leash were already neatly packed away for her big trip. It's hard to believe that I will probably never see her again.

DH and I are both relieved that we've found a great home for our pup. The man wanted a companion to pal around with all day and Ranger is certainly a dog who loves to be with people and go with you even for a ride to the store. We think it's a great match ands she'll have a much better life than we can offer her right now and for the next couple of years. Plus, she'll be living on a 40 acre farm with a huskie dog next door who is missing his old pal so it couldnt' be more perfect.

We left later that morning on our 18 hour road trip to Ontario. We made good time and the kids handled the long drive amazingly well. They both slept great in the hotel room and seem to be adjusting well to living in Nanna's house. We are here for a month long visit so it's worth taking such a long road trip.

I've been thinking about Rangie a lot and wondering how she is. DH will call the man's daughter tomorrow (our friend) to get an update. It won't seem real for me until I am back home and she's not there :( I haven't lived without a dog for more than 13 years...I can't imagine what it will be like. I also worry about my sweet little boy wondering where the heck his doggie-doo has gone. I know it was the right decision but I'm still sad and feeling like there will be a big hole in our lives when we get back home and into the daily routine. I know it will be ok once we get used to it but I'm sure it will still be hard.

Ranger may be going to live with a new family

It makes me so sad but I think it's for the best. Our 7 year old border collie mix just left with DH to go visit with a friend's father to see if they are a good match.

This man is looking for a dog to adopt because he's recently had to put down his beloved pet. He's lonely and wants a new doggie buddy.

We have been thinking for a while now of finding a new home for our sweet Rangie girl. She just doesn't have the best quality of life right now because we are consumed with J and L. J loves Ranger so much. And they are good buds but I feel bad for the dog since she doesn't get much exercise these days and hasn't for a while. She also doesn't get a whole lot of attention from us either, except for J. In September we had to say goodbye to our older dog Murdoch and since she lost her best friend Rangie seems sad. We wish we could give her a better life and anew buddy to pal around with but right now we just can't. We are going to be moving to Ontario and to a big city. DH will be travelling a lot with his new job once we get there and I will be alone with the kids most of the time which will make things even more lonely for Rangie.

We hope this man connects with her and wants to take her home with him. He lives on a farm and wants a companion to dote on...Ranger is definitely a perfect candidate for that arrangement...

Can they really not find anything better to wear???

Seriously! What's with these teenage girls who wear their pajama bottoms as regular clothes?? It's so cold here today - minus 20 degrees celcius and windy. On the short drive home from the grocery I saw 2 girls walking in the freezing weather wearing their pj bottoms.

Am I just getting old and cranky? Perhaps. I understand that teens do weird things to stand out, rebel and to fit in with their peers and that clothing trends are a big part of that. I get it but I don't have to like it...I wasn't crazy about the kids wearing their baggy pants practically down around their knees with their drawers hanging out when that was in. The super low-rise jeans and the belly baring spaghetti strap tank tops made me wonder how so many of these young girls got past their parents wearing clothes so revealing. Ack! And now it pj's in public. I suppose we should welcome a change in the direction of covering up butts and bellies but I can't get past how sloppy and lazy it makes them look. It really makes me wonder: Can they not find anything better to wear???

I heard this on Oprah..

that when you are working out and trying to loose weight you will feel hungrier in the evenings because that's when your body is burning fat. It makes sense right??? At least it did when Oprah's weight loss guru guy explained how it works. Plus, you don't get thin without making changes and sacrificing yummy treats right???

Ack! I'm craving something to snack on right now. It's all I can think about. So, instead of eating junk I am folding laundry, packing for our trip, blogging, knitting...anything that will keep me out of the kitchen. And I keep imagining the numbers I tipped on the scale at my weigh in at Curves this week...I am down 5lbs! That's worth trying to hang on to.

I just hope I don't gain it all back and then some now that I am headed a my month long trip home without my regular Curves workouts.

My Dad's getting divorced...

I know this is an awful thing to think/say but it's about freaking time!

The story goes like this... My Mom died when I was 17yo. She was in a coma for 9months and we knew she'd never come back to us. My dad's an alcoholic and his drinking was insane during the long 9 months my Mom was in a coma.

Once she was gone he wallowed in his own misery for a while but he soon started dating a few different ladies. They were all nice enough. He lived with one for a while - my brothers and I loved her to bits but it was a rocky relationship for her and my Dad and it ended after a couple of years.

I think the biggest problem for him is that he has never gotten over my Mom, even to this day he still compares his wife Kathy to my Mom all the time. So, I was shocked to find out he had proposed to a woman I'd only met a few times shortly after he started dating her. My brothers and I saw a big change in my Dad when he started dating K. She's a kind lady with a young daughter (C was 8 yo at the time they married). We thought maybe my Dad had turned over a new leaf. He went camping and did all kinds of stuff with them - things he never did with us and that are totally opposite to what he's been like as long as I have known him - he's a homebody, well hermit is actually a better definition.

Anyway, the dating was going well since he was making such a great effort and they started talking about moving in together. K wouldn't move in with him unless they were married so he proposed and they tied the knot only a couple months later.

The day after the wedding things went sour. My Dad called me crying saying he's made a big mistake - ack! He immediately went back to his old ways of drinking and being generally miserable. I was so sad for K and C.

K has admitted to me that she really doesn't even like my Dad anymore. She feels duped by him. She believes that he misrepresented himself when they were dating which he did. That's so shitty! Anyway I guess because she was already divorced once she didn't want to do that again and she told me she would stick it out. SAD! I told her we all loved her and she should do what she feels is right for herself and not worry what other people will say or think.

My Dad's been just as unhappy in the marriage. He feels like she pesters him to do stuff he doesn't want to do. He's not involved at all with anything related to her daughter and Kathy is completely focused on C all the time, who is now 16 yo.

I guess C is going through a difficult phase as most teens do and it's put even more strain on an already weak and miserable union. So, my Dad told his wife he's not happy, and since she's obviously not happy they should go their separate ways. She agreed so they are splitting up. I am relieved although I do worry that it means my Dad will just become depressed and drink himself into oblivion after the dust settles and he's all alone. I hope I'm wrong and that he'll be happy. At least I know K and C will be better off but I will miss them.

Train of thought...

Today we made a trip to Antigonish to use the gift cards we got for Christmas at the book store there. It's a bit of a drive to get there...an hour or so on the highway. We've made this trip many times before and today as my mind started to wander as I watched the waves lapping the cold and icy ocean shore I wondered how many more times we would travel this highway. I am going to miss living in Nova Scotia once we finally sell our house and move back to Ontario.

Then I thought, what will I do in Ontario? I'd love to stay home as long as I can with our children. The cost of living is so much higher there and things are tight as it is. I will need to find work sooner or later - hopefully later, much later.

I started thinking that I would really like to work in the medical field, in a hospital or clinic perhaps. I have no experience or training in anything remotely medical. I have been thinking for a long time about becoming an ultrasound technician. I looked into this a year or so ago and learned that there are only a few schools that offer such a program and one is in the area where we are moving.

So, I thought about how I would go about such an endeavor. First, I want to and need to finish my MA in Sociology. Also, I will need to go back and find out what the pre-requisites are for the u/s/radiology tech program. I am hoping to finish up my MA and get the pre-req's for college and still be a SAHM.

I was really excited at the idea of being an u/s tech and wondered what kind of place I would work. Would I get to do a lot of pregnancy ultrasounds? How fun! But wait, maybe not so fun, right?? I have personally had more than one 'not fun' u/s. Could I really be the one to be the first to see and know that instead of a fetus there is a blighted ovum, or instead of a viable pregnancy there is nothing? I got really sad and started to tear up at the thought that u/s techs are sometimes called in to check babies that are near term...how would I handle being the first to see that baby's heart has stopped beating?

The day I found out that my second pregnancy was not viable and that my little baby had stopped developing at 8w6d (I was more than 10weeks along at that point) the regular u/s tech at our hospital was training a new tech. It was the young woman fresh from school who was at the controls in front of the magical, mystery screen and with the want on my little belly. She was the first to see that my baby had no heartbeat. I remember the room being so painfully silent. I was barely breathing. "Please tell me what you saw" I begged them both, but they said they weren't sure and couldn't say. Instead they just wheeled me off to talk to the ER Dr.

So, today as we drove along the highway that we'd driven a hundred times or more in the last 4 years, to the town where there is better shopping and restaurants and where the hospital is ...where twice we were heartbroken to learn that our babies stopped developing and twice we were blessed when I gave birth to our beautiful healthy children...I wondered how that young woman felt and what she was thinking that day at 10am staring at the screen and knowing she did not have good news to share. I hope that wasn't her fist day. I don't know that I could do that job and not cry and hug the woman who lay on the exam table. Maybe being an u/s tech isn't for me. Then I thought, maybe it is because I have been on both sides...

Then I spilled coffee all down the front of my coat and my train of thought was lost.