Well, this is the first and surely not the last

time I will really question a parenting decision that I have made and feel regret for something I cannot change.

Yesterday when I picked J up from nursery school his teacher told me that chicken pox virus was making its way through our school. I commented that I didn't really need to worry too much since both my kids have had the varicella vaccine. The teacher launched into a bit of a rant about how chicken pox isn't something that any child needs to be artificially immunized against, that getting natural immunity from actually catching the virus is better for the children and for the long run since the vaccine wears off leaving unimmunized adults at great risk for shingles, etc... And, she added that even kids who are vaccinated sometimes come down with it when it's going around anyway. She talked about how adamantly she refused it for her own children, age 13 and 11. I was taken aback by her comments and left almost completely speechless. I mumbled something about how what's done is done and I can't change it for J and L now and skulked off with my head hanging in shame.

On the drive home I got so upset and worked up about this. I wished I could go back in time and refuse the chicken pox vaccine so my kids could catch it naturally. I felt like a bad parent and that I made a horrible decision that I cannot undo. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. Did I get duped my $ hungry pharmaceutical companies or did I do the right thing?

I suppose there is no way to ever know what's truly right, but at the moment it feels like I made the wrong choice. The thing is, I really debated not getting it. I spoke at great length with the public health nurse about the pros and cons of this vaccine. I was assured that the chicken pox vaccination is part of the immunization schedule for a good reason. This is what my Dr and the public health nurse recommended based on research. One thing I remember being told was that if all the kids are immunized (as is recommended) then how will they catch the virus naturally. After long and hard deliberation and discussions with DH and other parents I decided to go ahead and agree to have them get the varicella vaccineand at that time I felt good about my choice.

Now I find out that my kids could have easily been exposed to the virus and built a true, natural immunity. Like I told the teacher, I can't do anything about it now. If I could go back *maybe* I might refuse the chicken pox vaccine even though normally I am firmly planted in the pro vaccination camp.

I wish I didn't feel so distressed about the decision I made on this one. I know it's only the beginning of many parenting decisions I will come to question later as the years go by, but it sucks that I feel so crappy about something I thought I'd decided on and felt good about.

Spring?

I am so ready for spring. It's been a long winter here adjusting to life with DH working out of town so much. I imagine that once the weather gets warmer things will be easier for me and my little ones. We're all going a little stir crazy cooped up in the house so much. Taking trips to the mall, grocery store and post office aren't really cutting it anymore for any of us. We can't wait to get out to play in the yard, go walking and to the park.

I know, I know, spring is right around the corner but on days like today it feels like it's such a long way off. I woke up to a freezing cold house. So much so I winced as I reluctantly climbed out of my snuggly bed and felt the shock of the cold air in the room and freezing floor beneath my feet. I thought perhaps the furnace wasn't working, but it was. I turned on the radio just in time to hear that it's minus 23C out without windchill. Brrrr!

Sweet!

I made these sweet little Valentine treats today.
They are so delicious!
















No Fail Sugar Cookies
This recipe is great when using complex cookie cutters. The dough holds its' shape and won't spread during baking.

Make sure you let your oven preheat for at least 1/2 hour before baking.
6 cups flour
3 tsp. baking powder
2 cups butter
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla extract or desired flavoring
1tsp. salt

Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix well. Mix dry ingredients and add a little at a time to butter mixture. Mix until flour is completely incorporated and the dough comes together.

Chill 1-2 hours (or see hint below) Roll to desired thickness and cut into desired shape. Bake on ungreased baking sheet at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes (or longer if cookies are thicker) or until just beginning to turn brown around the edges. This recipe can make up to 5 dozen 3" cookies.

(AWESOME) HINT - Rolling out the dough without the mess--rather than waiting for your cookie dough to chill, take the freshly made dough and place a glob between two sheets of parchment paper. Roll it out to the desired thickness and place the dough and paper on a cookie sheet and pop it into the fridge. Continue rolling out your dough between sheets of paper until you have used it all. By the time you are finished, the first batch will be completely chilled and ready to cut. Re-roll leftover dough and repeat the process. An added bonus is that you are not adding any additional flour to your cookies.

Royal Icing
1/4 cup meringue powder (you can find this at bakery supply stores or Michaels)
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
5 1/2 TBSP Water - that will make it really thick so I usually thin it a tiny bit more for the outlining and quite a bit more for the filling in.
1 pound powdered sugar

Place in grease free bowl and beat until stiff peaks form.

These are Jessica's recipes :)

More snow

We've broken a 40 year record for snowfall in the month of December in this area. More than 120cms have fallen! Our snowbanks are huge and I am tired of shovelling already but it sure is pretty.

Happy New Year

We've had some good times and made some great memories in 2007. I know that I am so blessed to have my health, two beautiful healthy kids and a loving husband. For the most part though it was a hell of a rough year for me. I am looking forward to a fresh start. I hope 2008 has less heartache, tears and stress and lots more laughter and happiness.
This is my wish for you all as well.
Happy New Year!

Prayers for Zachary

Life's just so unfair. I know that there is nothing that says life should be fair but my God! some things should never happen to anyone. Like my dear friend whose one month old baby boy was just diagnosed with JMML - a form of leukemia. Things like this should never happen.

I wish there was something I could do for them to make it all better. I know I can't and that makes this all so much more heartbreaking and maddening. So, I am doing all I can and right now that means continuing to keep them in my prayers and re-applying to be a bone marrow donor. I applied last spring after reading a story about a little boy in the US who was in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant but I was rejected for being too overweight. I have since lost more than 20lbs so I just called the CBS today to inquire what weight cut off was for my height and found out that I now qualify to be added to the registry. My application is already submitted...

Thinking of you all the time these days Jelly and sending loads of big squishy hugs and get well prayers for Z.

New blog template...

Just because I was tired of the blue.

I was never much of a girly girl before. I never wore reds or pinks or bought anything in those colours. Not for any reason in particular, they simply just didn't tickle my fancy but lately I love reds and pinks and just about anything 'girly'. I can't explain why - just because.

Anyway, I thought, why not change my blog to my new favorite colour too. So, I did. Hope you like it :)

Super Snow Storm = Empowered Woman!

In the last couple of days it's been snowing almost non-stop. It started Sunday night when DH left for T.oronto - it's been nuts! Thankfully DH took the snowblower out and got it already to use on the weekend but I'd never used it before and we never got around to showing me how it works.

When I woke up yesterday the plow had already gone by and there was a 3ft snowbank at the end of my driveway - Ack! I had no idea how I was going to get out. There was no way in heck I could have dug out by myself with just a shovel yesterday so DH gave me instructions over the phone on how to start the snowblower. So I got all bundled up and went out.

It started up fine and was so much easier to use than I thought it would be. I had the whole driveway done in about 30 minutes. I was so proud of myself and DH was relieved to hear that I managed to do it all myself. It was a very empowering experience.

I should have taken pics of before and after but I forgot...I'm sure there will be many more chances this winter for pics though since they are calling for a very cold and snowy winter in these parts.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I am NOT a sellout!

For the last little while I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a dear friend a while ago. This friend is someone I have known a long time. We were in grad school together. I left before completing my degree to follow my then boyfriend (now DH) out to NS when he was posted there for work.

Not long after we moved there we got married. I was a 'housewife' for a time until I could find a job. I worked at a call center booking airline reservations for people. Not the most challenging work but it was fun and it was nice to make some money. After our wedding we immediately started to TTC. I miscarried three pgs before I had my son and 18 months later I gave birth to my daughter.

We spent four years in Nova Scotia. DH and I went through a lot of ups and downs out there together away from all our long time friends and family. He loves his job. He's lucky that way, not everyone gets to do what they love. I on the other have had to sacrifice some of my wants and dreams so I could be with him to support him in following his dream. But I also had some of my dreams come true. I married a great guy, had a nice house and got to become a mom of two beautiful, healthy kids.

He applied for a new job in March 2006. He passed the course and it took us more than a year to finally get moved. The original plan was for us to all move together to Toronto, which is where his job is but the realty market in the town where we lived in NS was terrible. It took us a long time to sell and there was never any hope of getting the price we needed to be able to buy in T.O.. DH and I talked at length about all our options and, as you may recall from previous posts, we settled on moving me and the kids to his hometown.

Now we live in different cities. I am a SAHM with the kids. Our finances are in bad shape. Living apart like this has turned out to be more costly than we thought and for other reasons the plan we had to buy his parents' house is not going to work for us. We are in a rough spot financially and it's taking it's toll on us emotionally. I had a hard time settling into this house knowing all the dangers that lurk behind the walls. I hate living in this house. I hate feeling like a single Mom, which is how I have felt since DH returned to work in August. I hate being in such a bad financial position that we have no other option but to try to grin and bear this arrangement for another year or two, possibly the whole 3 years DH is posted to Toronto.

A few weeks ago I finally got to talk to my dear friend JC. When she asked me how I was I broke down. I have been so trying hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have given up a lot of me for the life I have with my DH. When I told her how out of control I have been feeling in all this since the move - his job, our finances and how it stems back to before we moved here. I have been feeling really lost and out of control for a long time when it comes to ME.

I know that I have made these choices for myself. DH and I never do the big stuff without discussing things first, so it's not like he just decides things for me. But somehow knowing that doesn't make me feel any better or any more in control because I know that in the decisions I help to make I always put my own wants and needs on the back burner.

I was telling JC about the pickle we are in and how rotten this arrangement is for us and especially for me being here without DH is so hard on us all (me and the kids). My friend JC listened patiently to me and then suggested that I have given up too much for too long already and that I would resent my DH in the end for our problems and for losing myself along the way. She said it sounds like DH always seems to get the better end of the deal and that it's not fair for me to always get the short end of the stick and the harder, less glamorous jobs to slog through alone. It's true. Over and over again she said it would cost me my happiness and eventually my marriage since you can only give so much of yourself for so long without getting to do what you want before you grow irreparably resentful.

By the end of our conversation I found myself desperately defending my choices, my marriage and my life to her. I hung up feeling worse than ever about myself and my situation. So, I filed her comments and my responses in the back of my mind and never said a word about any of it to DH.

JC is married. She has no kids and does not want to have any. Ever. She and her DH have great careers, she is working on completing her PhD. They have a great life together. They own a nice home, travel and do lots of fun couple stuff. I respect her choices and I always thought she respected mine until we had this talk. After letting it stew I came to the conclusion that, though she never said it outright, she thinks I am a sellout. In her eyes, somehow that fiercely proud feminist that I was (and still strongly believe I am) has dissolved away and what's left is a shell of a women that allows herself to believe she is content being a barefoot & pregnant (no, I'm not pg now) housewife.

Her words, what I read between the lines of what she said and how I interpreted it all kept playing in my head over and over. Am I really a sellout? Have I been duped? I feel lost and stuck. I really can't do anything about where I am living and the state of our finances. Is that why I am letting myself believe this is what I want?

The love I have for my husband and kids is so powerful and amazing that words cannot do justice. I love being here with DS and DD to see everything they do and learn as it happens. I know that I am very lucky. I have many blessings to be grateful for, which I am. Some people would love to have what I have. I know that and I love having what I have. I also know that I couldn't ignore how lost and out of control I felt. I finally told DH about what JC said and how I feel like a sellout and I feel I may have duped myself into thinking I was really, truly OK with all these sacrifices when I am really not. DH said something that surprised me. He said:

"It's good that JC asked the hard questions and forced you to really look at your life and choices. What did you come up with when you sat down and really thought about it? You found yourself defending it and standing up for yourself, right? Well, clearly she helped you to see that you are indeed doing what you want. It's our life, our marriage, there is no way she can understand what we have between us and why we make the choices we have, but we know the whys and hows that got us here."

He's so right...she can't understand me, and my life the way I do. I can still be a strong woman and a SAHM who supports her husband, makes sacrifices for her family. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I do have "woe is me" moments where I wish there was a better balance and we were in a better position to do the things we want but then I am reminded that life and it's circumstances are always changing. It won't be like this forever. When my kids are older and I return to the workforce I will get my chance to do things for me. My family needs me to focus on them right now and I want to support them and raise them to the best of my ability. It's not possible for me to have it all right now, maybe I never will but whatever my life turns out to be supporting my husband and sacrificing my career dreams right now while I raise my kids does not make me a sellout.

Do you believe small children see angels?

I do. Here's why.

Today was an incredibly moving and emotional day for me already since it was the day of Constable Worden's funeral and because October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

I have always believed small children see angels and tonight, for me anyway, there is proof. As I was searching madly around the house for matches to light some candles to honour all tiny angels just before 7pm my sweet boy was following me around saying something that at first didn't make much sense.

I always stop to take the time to understand him so as I crouched down next to him to give him my undivided attention I asked him to repeat himself. This is what he said: "He's sleeping behind the flowers Mommy, he's sleeping behind the flowers and he looks very sad."

Wow.

It could have easily been me...

who could have lost her husband is all I can think when I let myself think about the officer that was recently shot and killed.

Last week's murder of the RCMP officer in NWT has really hit me hard. I have very deliberately avoided reading media stories about the shooting and his life because it hits too close to home. DH called me the day after it happened and asked me if I saw the front page of the National Post. I had not. He told me not to look it up since it was too eerie.

I never did see the story but DH described it to me. A wedding photo of the slain Constable and his bride was on the front page...DH said it looked like it could have come out of our wedding album. The story went on to describe the young family's final moments together as the officer kissed his wife, who was tending to their 8m old daughter, as he headed out to a trouble call at 4:30am.

I can't even count the number of times I've lived that scene myself. All those times DH geared up in the middle of the night to go to a call it never once crossed my mind that he would never be home again. My heart breaks for the woman who lost her husband and the that sweet little girl who will never know her Daddy.

Late at night when I can't sleep because I am waiting for my husband to come home at 3, 4 or 5 am I always remind myself that I am not alone. That across the country many Mountie wives have their sleep disrupted and their husbands called away in the wee hours by drunks and criminals and people in distress. That's the way it goes. Somehow you learn to adjust and you really don't worry everytime they go out the door. You find a way to trust that they'll be fine and home soon. I wish this were always true for each and every one of us wives of cops.

My prayers and thoughts go out to the family who will bury Constable Worden tomorrow and live with the aftermath of this horrific event for the rest of their lives.

OK Skippy, that's ENOUGH!

Earlier this summer I took this pic of a cute squirrel taking a nap on my fence. He does this everyday at around 1pm. I was amazed to find him there everyday and was so pleased when I finally snapped this shot of him one afternoon.

Well, Skippy, you aren't so cute anymore.

It's been an ongoing saga with this little rodent. And he's caused his fair share of annoyances and trouble.

One day shortly after we moved in here I found him climbing all in my stroller looking for cookie crumbs. So, I don't leave the stroller out anymore. A little inconvenient but, oh well...

Then, a little more than a week ago we found he's made a nest in the attic. It freaked me out a little that we had a squirrel in the attic but MIL got it taken care of right away. She's going to have to have the whole roof re-done b/c it's in bad shape and if she doesn't it won't be long before Skippy finds another way in. I'm sooo looking forward to having the roof ripped off and listening to the hammering and clomping on the roof...NOT!

Today, was the last straw for me. I finally got to do a big cleaning of the house. I took the mats from the side entrance outside to shake them and hung them over a little fence to air them out. A while later I went out to get them. I grabbed them both at the same time and I whipped them up not knowing that the f'ing squirrel was on one of them! So, as I grabbed the rugs I sent the damn thing flying right into the friggin HOUSE!

OMG! I started screaming for DH, who happens to be home this weekend - thank goodness. He came into the den just as Skippy was bouncing up the stairs and up the wall toward the kitchen. He said the squirrel looked at him and took off in the other direction...right out the door. It all happened very fast. I don't know what I would have done had DH not been in the house. I told DH he needs to off the squirrel...I'm only half kidding. I know DH won't do it though. It's not funny either that DH is teasing me for screaming like a girl as I watched a squirrel fly into the house - I am a girl after all!

So, to Skippy I say: GET LOST! SCRAM! TAKE A HIKE! BEAT IT!

Why'd I do that?

Last week I finally had a 'meet the doctor' appointment with our new family Dr here. MIL set it up for us and I know how lucky we are to get in as this practice is not taking new patients, which is true of all practices around here.

It was a meet the whole family appointment but DH couldn't come so I went alone with the kids. Yeah, I'm NOT doing that again! I thought it would be fine but DS was climbing up and under chairs, playing with the water fountain, running up and down the waiting room shouting: GO FASTER at the top of his lungs, opening 'staff only' doors and charging into restricted areas and I am chasing him while holding DD and trying to fill out 5 sets of forms all asking the same darn questions. Ack! I kept thinking this was a stupid appointment anyway...meet the Dr. >_>

When she finally came into to the tiny exam room, where DS was trying to unplug everything in sight and DD squirmed like mad to get down, I liked her instantly. She is about my age, with kids my age, warm, easy to talk to and very dedicated to preventative care and educating her patients, which is exactly the kind of Dr I like. YAY! I was glad I'd gone at that point. And having a meet and greet to get my history was a nice first appointment to have.

So, as she took down our medical and family histories, she asked a lot of questions of course. The first was how many pgs I'd had. I told her 4. Two miscarriages while TTC#1, one was natural at almost 12w, the other needed a D&C at 11w and two relatively uneventful ones with DS and DD. Even as I was explaining it all to her, while her med student who was sitting in with us gave me this pitiful look when I talked about my losses, I wondered: Why did I do that??? Why didn't I tell her about the chemical pg between my 2 m/cs? I talk about it freely with others. Especially my message board friends. In my heart always think of the three sweet souls I've lost even if one was a little angel I never would have known about if I wasn't TTC and POAS at 13dpo.

You know what's funny (funny strange, not funny funny) I did the same thing when I was admitted to L&D when I gave birth to each of my 2 kids. Perhaps I am afraid to admit losing 3. Maybe it's because my chem pg wasn't like my other two m/cs. That pg was not documented by anyone other than me in FF. I just don't know why I did that. It makes me sad and I feel very guilty for leaving that little out in my fertility history on my medical charts. I wish I knew why I did that.

I'm so sorry...I miss you all my sweet little angels xoxoxo

A tiny ray of light...

This morning my son woke up happy. When I went in to get him he was chatting and smiling not screaming, sobbing and kicking as he has been every single morning for the last 3 months. We even got to start our day without a breakfast table meltdown.

Maybe I won't completely loose my mind afterall :)

I wish I knew just what to do...

My head is spinning these days. Nothing has turned out how we expected with this move, house, living arrangement. I guess I've never really been a 'roll with the punches' kinda gal. I like to have a plan and follow it so having everything turned on its head and trying to formulate a new plan is hard.

I want to move out of this house as soon as possible but we cannot afford to since DH is living in Toronto for work and paying rent there. SO, in a effort to contribute to our household income I was going to do some transcribing work for a friend, but it seems she doesn't have nearly as much work to give me as I thought. I had worked that income into our budget and now we come up so short it's almost laughable...almost.

So, I scoured the internet to see what's out there for jobs and daycare. I found some good leads for both but it seems that we wouldn't really come out much further ahead if I did return to work full-time. More than 3/4 of my income would go to daycare costs. I'm not complaining really, I want my children to get good care and be in a safe place while I am working but given their current ages it costs as much for their daycare as I would make in a month. Plus, I am essentially a single Mom since DH is only here a few days a month, so co-ordinating and executing the everyday routine would be taxing. Not to mention all the "what happens if"s I have to be at work late, get stuck in traffic, or whatever...

On the other hand I think that the high cost of daycare now is only short-term. In the not too distant future the children will be older and childcare costs go down. At the same time I will be moving up the pay scale so I will be making more. Overtime will the extra 2 or three years in the workforce help me out in terms of seniority, salary and moving up - I don't really know. So, what do I do?

Staying home for now seems to make the most sense financially but some days I seriously don't believe I am cut out to be a "single" SAHM. I did fine with it when DH was living with us but now that I am on 24/7/365 my sanity is precarious even on the best days and my patience seems to be running on empty all the time. I know that a major contributor to how I am feeling is lack of help and lack of sleep since my baby girl, who turns one next month, still isn't sleeping through the night and my sweet little boy has come into the terrible twos full force in the last couple of months. Maybe in a short time being always on won't be so hard if sleep improves and the battles of will diminish in frequency.

I just don't know what to do and DH is no help at all. He'll support whatever decision I make...that's it, no other input than that really...um, yeah, that doesn't really help me figure out what to do. UGH!

A strange dream indeed.

Early this morning I had a dream that I was on a dock with DH, DS, DD and some other people (can't say who). DS was at the other end of the dock acting like he would go in at any moment. Someone was talking to me but I was distracted since I wanted to see that DS was okay.

Suddenly, out of nowhere my mother appeared on the dock near me and dove into the crystal clear, calm water and disappeared beneath the ripples. She seemed to be swimming to where DS was sitting. After a few moments I realized she wasn't surfacing and I panicked. I could see DS was fine, still sitting on the dock looking into the water but my Mom was gone...I couldn't get anyone's attention at first then finally a man, I think DH, dove in and retrieved her limp body. She was dead. I fell apart - again.

I woke up shaken and so profoundly sad. What did this dream mean?

Every night before I close my eyes I wish and pray to see my Mom in a dream. It's only happened a couple of times and usually she is telling me something that I can't hear or understand. It's so strange - like she is always just out of reach.

This was a scary dream, one that has me so puzzled that I've been thinking about it all day. I guess I'll never know what it meant or why I had it.

I miss you Mom :(

Happy Birthday Mom

If my Mom were alive she would be celebrating her 57th Birthday today.

I find it hard to believe that it's been 17 years since we celebrated her special day together.

Miss you and love you lots and lots Mom. XOXOXO

A month later...

Things are much better between DH and me. But as for the rest of it...in a lot of ways things are much worse.

We had a home inspection done shortly after my last post. The results of which were heartbreaking, shocking and terrifying. This house is not safe for us to live in. We knew that it needed some work but we never imagined that everything that could be wrong with it is wrong or unsafe. So that made it pretty simple for us to decide that we cannot buy it.We don't have to money to do the necessary repairs, nor do we feel a construction zone for the next few years is a good place for small children.

If you're wondering what could be that bad here's a list of the major deficiencies of this old house:

1. the electrical system needs to be completely replaced.
2. much of the plumbing needs to be replaced.
3. it needs a new roof.
4. beams in the attic are cracked and need replacing.
5. all outdoor structures such as decks and porches needs to be completely replaced.
6. the entire lot needs to be regraded to address moisture problems in the basement.
7. insulation in the attic is vermiculite, which may contain asbestos...it needs to be tested and dealt with if it is.
8.the entire house needs to be reinsulated.
9. need new windows.
10. floors need to be leveled in the whole house and harwoord floors need to be replaced.

And there's way more but these are things that need to be done pretty much right away.

My brother, a certified electrician, came by to have a look. The look on his face said it all. He said some of the stuff FIL did is the worst and most dangerous wiring he's ever seen. He told me that he thinks I should NOT live here with my kids at all.

Ack! We did JUST move here all the way from NS it's not like I can pack up and live somewhere else so he suggested buying smoke detectors for every bedroom and lots for the rest of the house to be sure. So, I'm not sleeping so well these days.

DH talked to his parents and explained that we have to get out ASAP because we don't feel safe and they need to get to work on fixing this place up to sell it. They are pissed at us for having the inspection done. I think they feel we just totally screwed up all their plans for the future -in terms of finances, vacations, how much they would get from the sale of this house (from us or another buyer). They are acting all huffy and deny that there is really that much that needs to be done. Well, that's fine if that's what they want to believe but we believe the inspector's report to be more accurate and we can't buy this house. It totally fucks up our plans too but they don't seem to realize or care about that. It's not a good situation.

We sold our house in Nova Scotia for way less than we could afford to because we thought we could live here at DH's parent's house without having to buy it right away and pay off our debt for the next 3 years while DH lived in Toronto and pays rent, a car lease and gas back and forth from TO to Ottawa. This is the offer his parents made to US! We never asked for this. We had a plan too and I think we are way worse off than them. I just can't believe that don't see how bad this situation is for us too. At least they have somewhere safe to live.

DH and I are kicking ourselves so hard right now. We should have known better than to believe that his parents would could come through for us. We had no idea that they were so freakin cheap that FIL does everything himself to save $$ - and he has no clue what he's doing so he's made the house a veritable death trap - argh!

Moving is so expensive and exhausting. We can't afford to pay for another out of city move out of pocket right now. I don't even know if we could qualify for a mortgage given our current debt load. We're fucked and they don't give a shit about our situation. In fact, MIL keeps commenting on how lucky I am that I will get to live in a new house soon and that I will be so much happier there. I think she believes that this was my secret plan all along - like what I really wanted was to just get here, say the house sucked and get to move again. The last thing I want to do is move again but we can't stay here for 3 years knowing the house could burn down, pipes could burst or structures could fall off the face of the house at any time and God knows what else.

DH's current accommodations, which are fabulous and inexpensive, are not going to be available to him for the whole 3 years. In fact, we think that his landlord is planning to sell his house in the spring. So, DH will be paying even more rent for a less comfy and convenient place.

So, after crunching some numbers it looks like we'll have to stay through to the new year, which is way longer than I want to but I don't think we can do it any sooner. MIL is being weird and sometimes nasty towards me now and I really don't how I am going to tolerate having her stay here with us 3 days a week for the next 6 months or more. I just want to get out of here...at the same time I am pretty sad that we will not be able to settle into the Ottawa region like we had planned - I will be moving with the kids to Toronto to be with DH. We just cannot afford a mortgage, rent and the cost of weekly travel back and forth. I spent the weekend at DH's place with the kids and liked the area and know that while it wasn't what we wanted, we will be fine in Toronto. I just wish we didn't have to go through all this crap between now and then :(

A little update from Ontario

We're here, we made it all in one piece and so did our stuff. It's been a long 2 weeks of trying to get things organized and set up.

It's been very hard on DH and I and we are at each other's throats. We're never like this with each other and it's scary and sad to me. I just want to cry all the time.

I thought coming home would feel good but it doesn't. We are bickering, stressed out and tired all the time and DH is still here...I cna't even begin to imagine what it will be like when he goes back to work next week. I am seriously starting to wonder if we our marriage will survive this move and the 3 years of being apart more than half the time while DH works in TO. If what we've been through in the last couple of weeks is any indication, we're in for a rough ride and I worry we won't make it as the three years is going to feel like a very long time of being alone and apart. :( I am really regretting our decision to do this now...I really, really am :(