Waiting for Sawyer

I'm getting excited to meet my new nephew. After my baby girl was born SIL was hit pretty hard that we had a girl. They have 3 boys - all of which are in their teens now. She talked a lot about how upset that she never had a daughter so she and BIL started the adoption process to adopt a little girl to make their family complete.

They've been on the list for nearly 2 years waiting to be picked as the parents for a little Inuit girl. Anyway, they finally got the call a week ago that an expectant mom chose them for her little BOY! They are thrilled and are busy getting ready collecting baby items. I think it took them a little by surprise - getting the call and finding out the baby is a boy. They are still on the list for a girl.

Anyway, I gave almost all my baby gear and clothes away already or sold it at the consignment shop so I have been scrounging around looking for anything that might be useful to them that we aren't using anymore. Getting all the stuff cleaned and organized is getting me really excited to meet my new little nephew.

They have decided to call him Sawyer. SIL is going to an u/s today - baby is overdue....I didn't think I would get this excited, but I am. Can't wait to meet baby Sawyer soon

Happy Birthday Mom

I miss you and love you so much every day.
I wish you were here to hug me and support me like I know you would.
I wish you were here to meet and know my wonderful husband.
I wish you were here to hold your beautiful grandchildren and watch them grow.
I wish you were here so my little family could know you and be close to you like I know they would.
I wish you were here and could have been here these last 14 years.
Your love continues to fill me with hope and peace. Your words continue to guide and inspire me.
I miss you so much. I wish you were here. I love you. XOXOXOX

Two years ago...

I said goodbye to my best doggy bud. Missing you so much. I'm missing you a little extra today because it's a crisp, cool fall day that would be perfect for a walk in the woods with you my dear friend.

Sweet Father's Day craft story

This morning we made cards for DH for Father's Day. I traced my little ones hands in their own little cards, wrote Happy Father's Day on them and handed the markers over to the kids.

L made squiggles and scribbles on hers. J asked me to draw a big heart on the back, then he had me draw a little heart inside the big heart. When it was done he announced: Perfect! Daddy's big heart and J's little heart inside.

Awww, so sweet!

Missing my doggies

The summer weather is here at last. My windows are wide open to let in any tiny bit of moving air to be had. I hear more clearly the woofs and yaps of the neighbourhood pooches. It makes me miss my dogs a lot. I miss their wet noses pressing on my cheek at 8am to rouse my out of my slumber and get them some kibble. I miss the cuddles, long walks and their sweet faces.

Today in the news...

more stories that make me sad and enraged at the same time.

I cannot believe what this world is coming to. It seems that whenever I sign on and read up on what's going on in the world I just end up with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach that I, as an individual, am so helpless to do anything about it all.

What makes it all so much more distressing is that it seems that not enough is being done to protect our way of life and freedoms from being erroded and degraded. I worry about what the future holds, especially for our children.

All of it just makes me want to vomit.

Well, that was scary!

Thursday night just after DH left to go back to work I was getting dinner ready (BBQ'ing in the backyard) when all of a sudden I got the most excruciating pain in my right side. I could hardly stand, I couldn't catch my breath for a minute and was doubled over in pain. I waited a few minutes to see if it would pass...it didn't. I called DH in a panic. He called him Mom who was teaching a lesson in her piano room downstairs. She came running up, had her student stay with J&L for a few minutes and took me to the hospital. The pain was unreal and the severe pain lasted about an hour. I got seen immediately at emerg. DH arrived within the hour and we were both scared and worried. They did a full work up incl bloodwork, x-rays and a pelvic exam. Lying down helped a lot and while I was there I started feeling better and the pain lessened substantially.

The only thing they could find was that my c.olon was quite full. Turns out I was just having bad c.onstipation pains - how embarassing. The Dr said, better to be embarassed than die from a ruptured appendix, which is what he thought it might be...

I think the new prenatals (cheaper) I bought last week caused it b/c I just started taking them recently...I think they have a lot more iron in them that the other ones I was taking. I stopped taking them Friday and have increasingly been feeling better and better. I still have some cramping but nothing scary now.

Scares like that sure put things in perspective. The whole time I was in the hospital I just wanted to go home and have dinner with my kids and tuck them in their beds. It made me appreciate even more how lucky I am to be healthy.

Farewell Yogi.

My Dad's had a dog named Yogi for nearly 12 years. Shortly after I adopted my pup Murdoch my Dad expressed interest in finding a doggie too. I searched around for a dog for him for a few weeks. I went to the Humaine Society a few times and didn't find anyone suitable. Then one night, while out looking for something for Murdoch at a pet store, I happened to spot the cutest little terrier mix sitting there. This pet store showcases dogs and cats from the Humaine Society, so Yogi, as he had already been named, was a surrrendered dog waiting to be adopted by a new family. I called my Dad and told him I thought I'd found a good match for him. He went down and checked him out and by the end of the week Yogi was part of our family.

Yogi fit in right away. This little pup was already a year old and housetrained. He was instantly a great companion for my Dad. He obviously came from a family that loved him as he was sweetest, most gentle soul, obedient, great with kids and so loving. In those early years I often would stop by my Dad's on my way to the Old Quarry Trail and pick up Yogi to come walk with me and Murdoch. They were such good buds and had so much fun running and playing together.

In recent months Yogi's health has been declining. He was 13 years old and it was really starting to show. Last week my Dad called to say that Yogi's been sick a lot lately and falling down regularly. My Dad was really worried about his sweet dog. As hard as it was, we knew it was time to let him go. I took care of all the arrangements since I knew it would be too hard for my Dad. Yesterday I brought Yogi to the vet for the last time. It was nice to be able to be there with him in a way I wasn't able to be for Murdoch. It was peaceful and I was grateful to have the last quiet moments with him, which seemed fitting since I was the first to meet him and encourage my Dad to adopt him.

Farewell Yogi. You are already dearly missed. We love you. Thank you for being such a great dog. Please say hi to Murdoch for us all. I know you are happy to be reunited with your old pal and that you are playing together again.

My good deeds in honour of Thomas

Three years ago on March 9th a sweet boy named Thomas was born. He is an angel in heaven now. His parents request that in memory of their son's birthday each year everyone go out into the world and perform random acts of kindness to help make the world a better place.

Last year I made a donation in Thomas's name to my local childrens hospital. This year though money is tight, so I chose to donate nearly all of the baby items I am no longer using to a young woman expecting her first baby next week. I found an ad placed by her friend on a local buy/sell board. They were still in need of many items so I gave them everything I could - a big bin full of clothes and blankets, a diaper bag filled with bottles, toys and formula, a complete travel system, bedding, a snuggli, a bouncy seat and more. The friend who placed the ad came by today to pick it all up was speachless when she saw all I had for her to take to her friend. Her partner remarked that this kind of generosity is very rare. They both thanked me. I smiled and thought of Thomas.

Also, during my search for someone in need of baby items I came across a request for cloth diapers. The ad said they were willing to pay for them but couldn't afford to buy new. When I was expecting my first child a dear friend gave me a bin filled with baby clothes and in that bin there were 5 cute cloth diapers in excellent condition. I never even wanted to attempt cloth diapering and several times tried to give them away, but couldn't find any takers. Finally I could pass them on. So, I contacted them and offered the items for free. They were thrilled but I live quite far out of the city and they didn't think they could get to me and it would be just as much trouble for me to go to them. I offered to mail them the diapers at my expense. They seemed surprised by my offer to pay to send them something for free. I suspect they never expected to actually get them. They emailed me to let me know they received them yesterday and that they were so very grateful. Again I smiled and thought of Thomas.

(((((K&S)))))

Well, this is the first and surely not the last

time I will really question a parenting decision that I have made and feel regret for something I cannot change.

Yesterday when I picked J up from nursery school his teacher told me that chicken pox virus was making its way through our school. I commented that I didn't really need to worry too much since both my kids have had the varicella vaccine. The teacher launched into a bit of a rant about how chicken pox isn't something that any child needs to be artificially immunized against, that getting natural immunity from actually catching the virus is better for the children and for the long run since the vaccine wears off leaving unimmunized adults at great risk for shingles, etc... And, she added that even kids who are vaccinated sometimes come down with it when it's going around anyway. She talked about how adamantly she refused it for her own children, age 13 and 11. I was taken aback by her comments and left almost completely speechless. I mumbled something about how what's done is done and I can't change it for J and L now and skulked off with my head hanging in shame.

On the drive home I got so upset and worked up about this. I wished I could go back in time and refuse the chicken pox vaccine so my kids could catch it naturally. I felt like a bad parent and that I made a horrible decision that I cannot undo. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. Did I get duped my $ hungry pharmaceutical companies or did I do the right thing?

I suppose there is no way to ever know what's truly right, but at the moment it feels like I made the wrong choice. The thing is, I really debated not getting it. I spoke at great length with the public health nurse about the pros and cons of this vaccine. I was assured that the chicken pox vaccination is part of the immunization schedule for a good reason. This is what my Dr and the public health nurse recommended based on research. One thing I remember being told was that if all the kids are immunized (as is recommended) then how will they catch the virus naturally. After long and hard deliberation and discussions with DH and other parents I decided to go ahead and agree to have them get the varicella vaccineand at that time I felt good about my choice.

Now I find out that my kids could have easily been exposed to the virus and built a true, natural immunity. Like I told the teacher, I can't do anything about it now. If I could go back *maybe* I might refuse the chicken pox vaccine even though normally I am firmly planted in the pro vaccination camp.

I wish I didn't feel so distressed about the decision I made on this one. I know it's only the beginning of many parenting decisions I will come to question later as the years go by, but it sucks that I feel so crappy about something I thought I'd decided on and felt good about.

Spring?

I am so ready for spring. It's been a long winter here adjusting to life with DH working out of town so much. I imagine that once the weather gets warmer things will be easier for me and my little ones. We're all going a little stir crazy cooped up in the house so much. Taking trips to the mall, grocery store and post office aren't really cutting it anymore for any of us. We can't wait to get out to play in the yard, go walking and to the park.

I know, I know, spring is right around the corner but on days like today it feels like it's such a long way off. I woke up to a freezing cold house. So much so I winced as I reluctantly climbed out of my snuggly bed and felt the shock of the cold air in the room and freezing floor beneath my feet. I thought perhaps the furnace wasn't working, but it was. I turned on the radio just in time to hear that it's minus 23C out without windchill. Brrrr!

Sweet!

I made these sweet little Valentine treats today.
They are so delicious!
















No Fail Sugar Cookies
This recipe is great when using complex cookie cutters. The dough holds its' shape and won't spread during baking.

Make sure you let your oven preheat for at least 1/2 hour before baking.
6 cups flour
3 tsp. baking powder
2 cups butter
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla extract or desired flavoring
1tsp. salt

Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix well. Mix dry ingredients and add a little at a time to butter mixture. Mix until flour is completely incorporated and the dough comes together.

Chill 1-2 hours (or see hint below) Roll to desired thickness and cut into desired shape. Bake on ungreased baking sheet at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes (or longer if cookies are thicker) or until just beginning to turn brown around the edges. This recipe can make up to 5 dozen 3" cookies.

(AWESOME) HINT - Rolling out the dough without the mess--rather than waiting for your cookie dough to chill, take the freshly made dough and place a glob between two sheets of parchment paper. Roll it out to the desired thickness and place the dough and paper on a cookie sheet and pop it into the fridge. Continue rolling out your dough between sheets of paper until you have used it all. By the time you are finished, the first batch will be completely chilled and ready to cut. Re-roll leftover dough and repeat the process. An added bonus is that you are not adding any additional flour to your cookies.

Royal Icing
1/4 cup meringue powder (you can find this at bakery supply stores or Michaels)
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
5 1/2 TBSP Water - that will make it really thick so I usually thin it a tiny bit more for the outlining and quite a bit more for the filling in.
1 pound powdered sugar

Place in grease free bowl and beat until stiff peaks form.

These are Jessica's recipes :)

More snow

We've broken a 40 year record for snowfall in the month of December in this area. More than 120cms have fallen! Our snowbanks are huge and I am tired of shovelling already but it sure is pretty.

Happy New Year

We've had some good times and made some great memories in 2007. I know that I am so blessed to have my health, two beautiful healthy kids and a loving husband. For the most part though it was a hell of a rough year for me. I am looking forward to a fresh start. I hope 2008 has less heartache, tears and stress and lots more laughter and happiness.
This is my wish for you all as well.
Happy New Year!

Prayers for Zachary

Life's just so unfair. I know that there is nothing that says life should be fair but my God! some things should never happen to anyone. Like my dear friend whose one month old baby boy was just diagnosed with JMML - a form of leukemia. Things like this should never happen.

I wish there was something I could do for them to make it all better. I know I can't and that makes this all so much more heartbreaking and maddening. So, I am doing all I can and right now that means continuing to keep them in my prayers and re-applying to be a bone marrow donor. I applied last spring after reading a story about a little boy in the US who was in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant but I was rejected for being too overweight. I have since lost more than 20lbs so I just called the CBS today to inquire what weight cut off was for my height and found out that I now qualify to be added to the registry. My application is already submitted...

Thinking of you all the time these days Jelly and sending loads of big squishy hugs and get well prayers for Z.

New blog template...

Just because I was tired of the blue.

I was never much of a girly girl before. I never wore reds or pinks or bought anything in those colours. Not for any reason in particular, they simply just didn't tickle my fancy but lately I love reds and pinks and just about anything 'girly'. I can't explain why - just because.

Anyway, I thought, why not change my blog to my new favorite colour too. So, I did. Hope you like it :)

Super Snow Storm = Empowered Woman!

In the last couple of days it's been snowing almost non-stop. It started Sunday night when DH left for T.oronto - it's been nuts! Thankfully DH took the snowblower out and got it already to use on the weekend but I'd never used it before and we never got around to showing me how it works.

When I woke up yesterday the plow had already gone by and there was a 3ft snowbank at the end of my driveway - Ack! I had no idea how I was going to get out. There was no way in heck I could have dug out by myself with just a shovel yesterday so DH gave me instructions over the phone on how to start the snowblower. So I got all bundled up and went out.

It started up fine and was so much easier to use than I thought it would be. I had the whole driveway done in about 30 minutes. I was so proud of myself and DH was relieved to hear that I managed to do it all myself. It was a very empowering experience.

I should have taken pics of before and after but I forgot...I'm sure there will be many more chances this winter for pics though since they are calling for a very cold and snowy winter in these parts.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I am NOT a sellout!

For the last little while I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a dear friend a while ago. This friend is someone I have known a long time. We were in grad school together. I left before completing my degree to follow my then boyfriend (now DH) out to NS when he was posted there for work.

Not long after we moved there we got married. I was a 'housewife' for a time until I could find a job. I worked at a call center booking airline reservations for people. Not the most challenging work but it was fun and it was nice to make some money. After our wedding we immediately started to TTC. I miscarried three pgs before I had my son and 18 months later I gave birth to my daughter.

We spent four years in Nova Scotia. DH and I went through a lot of ups and downs out there together away from all our long time friends and family. He loves his job. He's lucky that way, not everyone gets to do what they love. I on the other have had to sacrifice some of my wants and dreams so I could be with him to support him in following his dream. But I also had some of my dreams come true. I married a great guy, had a nice house and got to become a mom of two beautiful, healthy kids.

He applied for a new job in March 2006. He passed the course and it took us more than a year to finally get moved. The original plan was for us to all move together to Toronto, which is where his job is but the realty market in the town where we lived in NS was terrible. It took us a long time to sell and there was never any hope of getting the price we needed to be able to buy in T.O.. DH and I talked at length about all our options and, as you may recall from previous posts, we settled on moving me and the kids to his hometown.

Now we live in different cities. I am a SAHM with the kids. Our finances are in bad shape. Living apart like this has turned out to be more costly than we thought and for other reasons the plan we had to buy his parents' house is not going to work for us. We are in a rough spot financially and it's taking it's toll on us emotionally. I had a hard time settling into this house knowing all the dangers that lurk behind the walls. I hate living in this house. I hate feeling like a single Mom, which is how I have felt since DH returned to work in August. I hate being in such a bad financial position that we have no other option but to try to grin and bear this arrangement for another year or two, possibly the whole 3 years DH is posted to Toronto.

A few weeks ago I finally got to talk to my dear friend JC. When she asked me how I was I broke down. I have been so trying hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have given up a lot of me for the life I have with my DH. When I told her how out of control I have been feeling in all this since the move - his job, our finances and how it stems back to before we moved here. I have been feeling really lost and out of control for a long time when it comes to ME.

I know that I have made these choices for myself. DH and I never do the big stuff without discussing things first, so it's not like he just decides things for me. But somehow knowing that doesn't make me feel any better or any more in control because I know that in the decisions I help to make I always put my own wants and needs on the back burner.

I was telling JC about the pickle we are in and how rotten this arrangement is for us and especially for me being here without DH is so hard on us all (me and the kids). My friend JC listened patiently to me and then suggested that I have given up too much for too long already and that I would resent my DH in the end for our problems and for losing myself along the way. She said it sounds like DH always seems to get the better end of the deal and that it's not fair for me to always get the short end of the stick and the harder, less glamorous jobs to slog through alone. It's true. Over and over again she said it would cost me my happiness and eventually my marriage since you can only give so much of yourself for so long without getting to do what you want before you grow irreparably resentful.

By the end of our conversation I found myself desperately defending my choices, my marriage and my life to her. I hung up feeling worse than ever about myself and my situation. So, I filed her comments and my responses in the back of my mind and never said a word about any of it to DH.

JC is married. She has no kids and does not want to have any. Ever. She and her DH have great careers, she is working on completing her PhD. They have a great life together. They own a nice home, travel and do lots of fun couple stuff. I respect her choices and I always thought she respected mine until we had this talk. After letting it stew I came to the conclusion that, though she never said it outright, she thinks I am a sellout. In her eyes, somehow that fiercely proud feminist that I was (and still strongly believe I am) has dissolved away and what's left is a shell of a women that allows herself to believe she is content being a barefoot & pregnant (no, I'm not pg now) housewife.

Her words, what I read between the lines of what she said and how I interpreted it all kept playing in my head over and over. Am I really a sellout? Have I been duped? I feel lost and stuck. I really can't do anything about where I am living and the state of our finances. Is that why I am letting myself believe this is what I want?

The love I have for my husband and kids is so powerful and amazing that words cannot do justice. I love being here with DS and DD to see everything they do and learn as it happens. I know that I am very lucky. I have many blessings to be grateful for, which I am. Some people would love to have what I have. I know that and I love having what I have. I also know that I couldn't ignore how lost and out of control I felt. I finally told DH about what JC said and how I feel like a sellout and I feel I may have duped myself into thinking I was really, truly OK with all these sacrifices when I am really not. DH said something that surprised me. He said:

"It's good that JC asked the hard questions and forced you to really look at your life and choices. What did you come up with when you sat down and really thought about it? You found yourself defending it and standing up for yourself, right? Well, clearly she helped you to see that you are indeed doing what you want. It's our life, our marriage, there is no way she can understand what we have between us and why we make the choices we have, but we know the whys and hows that got us here."

He's so right...she can't understand me, and my life the way I do. I can still be a strong woman and a SAHM who supports her husband, makes sacrifices for her family. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I do have "woe is me" moments where I wish there was a better balance and we were in a better position to do the things we want but then I am reminded that life and it's circumstances are always changing. It won't be like this forever. When my kids are older and I return to the workforce I will get my chance to do things for me. My family needs me to focus on them right now and I want to support them and raise them to the best of my ability. It's not possible for me to have it all right now, maybe I never will but whatever my life turns out to be supporting my husband and sacrificing my career dreams right now while I raise my kids does not make me a sellout.

Do you believe small children see angels?

I do. Here's why.

Today was an incredibly moving and emotional day for me already since it was the day of Constable Worden's funeral and because October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

I have always believed small children see angels and tonight, for me anyway, there is proof. As I was searching madly around the house for matches to light some candles to honour all tiny angels just before 7pm my sweet boy was following me around saying something that at first didn't make much sense.

I always stop to take the time to understand him so as I crouched down next to him to give him my undivided attention I asked him to repeat himself. This is what he said: "He's sleeping behind the flowers Mommy, he's sleeping behind the flowers and he looks very sad."

Wow.