I wish I knew just what to do...

My head is spinning these days. Nothing has turned out how we expected with this move, house, living arrangement. I guess I've never really been a 'roll with the punches' kinda gal. I like to have a plan and follow it so having everything turned on its head and trying to formulate a new plan is hard.

I want to move out of this house as soon as possible but we cannot afford to since DH is living in Toronto for work and paying rent there. SO, in a effort to contribute to our household income I was going to do some transcribing work for a friend, but it seems she doesn't have nearly as much work to give me as I thought. I had worked that income into our budget and now we come up so short it's almost laughable...almost.

So, I scoured the internet to see what's out there for jobs and daycare. I found some good leads for both but it seems that we wouldn't really come out much further ahead if I did return to work full-time. More than 3/4 of my income would go to daycare costs. I'm not complaining really, I want my children to get good care and be in a safe place while I am working but given their current ages it costs as much for their daycare as I would make in a month. Plus, I am essentially a single Mom since DH is only here a few days a month, so co-ordinating and executing the everyday routine would be taxing. Not to mention all the "what happens if"s I have to be at work late, get stuck in traffic, or whatever...

On the other hand I think that the high cost of daycare now is only short-term. In the not too distant future the children will be older and childcare costs go down. At the same time I will be moving up the pay scale so I will be making more. Overtime will the extra 2 or three years in the workforce help me out in terms of seniority, salary and moving up - I don't really know. So, what do I do?

Staying home for now seems to make the most sense financially but some days I seriously don't believe I am cut out to be a "single" SAHM. I did fine with it when DH was living with us but now that I am on 24/7/365 my sanity is precarious even on the best days and my patience seems to be running on empty all the time. I know that a major contributor to how I am feeling is lack of help and lack of sleep since my baby girl, who turns one next month, still isn't sleeping through the night and my sweet little boy has come into the terrible twos full force in the last couple of months. Maybe in a short time being always on won't be so hard if sleep improves and the battles of will diminish in frequency.

I just don't know what to do and DH is no help at all. He'll support whatever decision I make...that's it, no other input than that really...um, yeah, that doesn't really help me figure out what to do. UGH!