And so it shall be...

I have two beautiful, healthy, adorable children. We are a happy little family and my DH is quite satisfied with what we have. I am too. I know very well how blessed I am for what I have but somewhere tugging at my heart was always a feeling that someone is missing. I really want to add to our family and expected that we would have at least one more.

At the end of March I had my 6 month follow up appointment with the bloodclot doctor. The Dr and I talked about a lot of things. My risk for having more bloodclots, etc... I am at an increased risk than the general population for developing them, especially in the next 2 years but he seemed pretty confident I would be just fine. If I ever have them again I have to be on bloodthinners for the rest of my life He cannot say for sure that being on birth control pills is what caused it, which is frustrating but oh well.

We also talked about the future and situations that put me at higher risk of clotting. The only truly risky situation for me really is any future pregnancy. If I choose to try for another baby I have to contact the thrombosis clinic and go on injectible bloodthinners while ttc, throughout the pg and for at least 6 weeks after delivery. Pregnancy put women's bodies into a hypercoagualted state so it would put me at a greater risk for DVT or PE. My family Dr later said that it would also mean a planned c-section for delivery so they could have more control as I have to be off the bloodthinners prior to delivery and then right back on them post-partum.

Dr. said that if I want more children I should not let this stop me. That it's totally manageable I'd just have to be followed closely through them. I really didn't know what to think. I was stunned and went right to the thought that I guess that means we will have no more babies.

I feel kinda dumb and naive because I totally wasn't expecting this information or any restrictions once my 6 month treatment course was complete. I honestly thought he would just sign off on me and say go live your life you're fine.

DH reacted as I expected he would - by planning to schedule an appointment for a vasectomy. I still don't feel done having babies yet but I am so scared of the risks and the idea of giveing myself a needle everyday for a year or more is not very appealing.

As more than a month's time has ticked by since I got this information I have been letting it rattle around in my head, slowly mulling it over. I think I need to accept that we are done having babies. I just can't take that kind of risk - there are just too many. I cannot take the chance of leaving my DH a widower or my children motherless. Still though, it's hard to accept that we are really done making babies.