Getting there...

It's been a few months since I was released from my trainer. I felt a huge difference immediately in my stress level when it came to work. While there is still a lot of stress involved it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Things are going much better now...slowly but surely I am gaining confidence. I don't dread going to work like I did a few months ago. I like the job and look forward to improving my skill and expanding my knowledge. All's going well as far as I can tell as I haven't been told otherwise by my bosses, so that's good.

Managing the shiftwork routine has been alright. Kids and hubby are still doing great with all the changes. We love our sitter and it's all working very well in that respect. My brother took the kids to his house for the weekend a couple of weeks ago when we had a last minute change of plans for their care while we were both working and it turned out to be a great, great thing for everyone. Kids had a blast with their aunt and uncle, my brother and his wife loved hanging with the kids and hubby and I were grateful to know that our little ones were being well cared for and getting the rare chance to spend good quality time with family.

With summer coming up, things are going to get a lot busier for me at work. I am actually really looking forward to being there when it's crazy busy and learning how to do this job at a faster pace and get better and better at it.

I knew from the outset that this would all be a big adjustment on so many levels. I am definitely not over the hump yet but at least I am no longer living most days with my heart in my throat and my stomach in knots. Slowly but surely I am getting there and feeling more like myself again...which is nice because I really missed me.

What was I thinking?

I face this new year with such mixed feelings about the new direction my life has taken since starting my new job. I knew it would be a huge adjustment. Kids and hubby are doing well on that front. I, on the other hand need some help. I knew this job would be hard, the changes to my lifestyle would be profound and getting used to the changes it meant for every aspect of my life wouldn't be easy. I also thought I was prepared for the ups and downs, the frustations and the moments of feeling proud for all that I had accomplished. I'm taking the downs and the frustrations much harder than I thought. The ups and good moments are definitely clouded by my feelings of being overwhelmed, wondering to myself...what the heck was I thinking taking on a job like this.

The high stress all. the. time. is wearing my down. The shiftwork is much harder to do than I thought it would be. I didn't expect to dislike my mentor so much. We've been together now since Oct 21st. At first I was happy that we were paired up. I was eager to push through the training and she was of the same mind. Unfortunately, as I have come to learn, this sort job cannot be learned by pushing through the training phase. You really need to have it be organic and take the time you need to absorb it all. I learned that a few weeks in, but my trainer seems intent on just being done with me. She and I have very different styles and the stress it creates for me is totally overwhelming sometimes. Some days I honestly dread the thought of spending 11 hours with her...I feel physically ill and comtemplate calling in sick more often than I care to admit.

I was speaking with a co-worker the other. She is so sweet and was giving me a pep talk after we (together) took a *big* call. She said everyone feels this way in the beginning. It's natural and totally normal and that it will get better. She said once you get over the hump, which is the huge learning curve and gaining a sense of confidence in your ability to do the job it gets much better. Then she said took her 3 years to get there. I thought I might barf...three years? three years! OMG...how am I going to make it through this for that long given how I am feeling a mere 3 months in. UGH!

What makes this even harder is that I know there is a lot of pressure on me to keep this job. The hours, despite being hard for me to manage personally, are ideal given my hubby's schedule. We finally bought the house from DH's parents so we have a mortgage to pay, we had to buy a new car, so we have car payments too. We wouldn't be able to afford any of this if I left my job. Most days I feel so, so very overwhelmed and I'm not sure how to cope with this much stress and pressure. I just keep on keeping on and hope that things will turn around soon and I can start to feel better about it all.

It's a New Year!

So much has changed since last year at this time. It's amazing to think of where I was and where we were as a family only 1 year ago. I was a stay-at-home mom who was on the slow road to recovery from my health scare. DH was applying to get transfered home. The kids were doing well despite all the upheaval my illness caused. My Aunt Cathy was alive and had no idea yet she was riddled with tumors as a result of undiagnosed ovarian cancer.

Twelve months later so much is different, some things are so good and others...well, meh...not so great. As for the great things, I am well and healthy again. Kids are happy, healthy and so much fun! DH was transfered and is happy to be home despite the fact that he does not like his new assignment. I am gainfully employed - this is both good and not so great all at once. Sadly, my Aunt Cathy died in October after a painful but very brave battle.

I start this new year hoping it turns out to be a great one filled with happy memories like last year and hopefully less heartache.