I am NOT a sellout!

For the last little while I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a dear friend a while ago. This friend is someone I have known a long time. We were in grad school together. I left before completing my degree to follow my then boyfriend (now DH) out to NS when he was posted there for work.

Not long after we moved there we got married. I was a 'housewife' for a time until I could find a job. I worked at a call center booking airline reservations for people. Not the most challenging work but it was fun and it was nice to make some money. After our wedding we immediately started to TTC. I miscarried three pgs before I had my son and 18 months later I gave birth to my daughter.

We spent four years in Nova Scotia. DH and I went through a lot of ups and downs out there together away from all our long time friends and family. He loves his job. He's lucky that way, not everyone gets to do what they love. I on the other have had to sacrifice some of my wants and dreams so I could be with him to support him in following his dream. But I also had some of my dreams come true. I married a great guy, had a nice house and got to become a mom of two beautiful, healthy kids.

He applied for a new job in March 2006. He passed the course and it took us more than a year to finally get moved. The original plan was for us to all move together to Toronto, which is where his job is but the realty market in the town where we lived in NS was terrible. It took us a long time to sell and there was never any hope of getting the price we needed to be able to buy in T.O.. DH and I talked at length about all our options and, as you may recall from previous posts, we settled on moving me and the kids to his hometown.

Now we live in different cities. I am a SAHM with the kids. Our finances are in bad shape. Living apart like this has turned out to be more costly than we thought and for other reasons the plan we had to buy his parents' house is not going to work for us. We are in a rough spot financially and it's taking it's toll on us emotionally. I had a hard time settling into this house knowing all the dangers that lurk behind the walls. I hate living in this house. I hate feeling like a single Mom, which is how I have felt since DH returned to work in August. I hate being in such a bad financial position that we have no other option but to try to grin and bear this arrangement for another year or two, possibly the whole 3 years DH is posted to Toronto.

A few weeks ago I finally got to talk to my dear friend JC. When she asked me how I was I broke down. I have been so trying hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have given up a lot of me for the life I have with my DH. When I told her how out of control I have been feeling in all this since the move - his job, our finances and how it stems back to before we moved here. I have been feeling really lost and out of control for a long time when it comes to ME.

I know that I have made these choices for myself. DH and I never do the big stuff without discussing things first, so it's not like he just decides things for me. But somehow knowing that doesn't make me feel any better or any more in control because I know that in the decisions I help to make I always put my own wants and needs on the back burner.

I was telling JC about the pickle we are in and how rotten this arrangement is for us and especially for me being here without DH is so hard on us all (me and the kids). My friend JC listened patiently to me and then suggested that I have given up too much for too long already and that I would resent my DH in the end for our problems and for losing myself along the way. She said it sounds like DH always seems to get the better end of the deal and that it's not fair for me to always get the short end of the stick and the harder, less glamorous jobs to slog through alone. It's true. Over and over again she said it would cost me my happiness and eventually my marriage since you can only give so much of yourself for so long without getting to do what you want before you grow irreparably resentful.

By the end of our conversation I found myself desperately defending my choices, my marriage and my life to her. I hung up feeling worse than ever about myself and my situation. So, I filed her comments and my responses in the back of my mind and never said a word about any of it to DH.

JC is married. She has no kids and does not want to have any. Ever. She and her DH have great careers, she is working on completing her PhD. They have a great life together. They own a nice home, travel and do lots of fun couple stuff. I respect her choices and I always thought she respected mine until we had this talk. After letting it stew I came to the conclusion that, though she never said it outright, she thinks I am a sellout. In her eyes, somehow that fiercely proud feminist that I was (and still strongly believe I am) has dissolved away and what's left is a shell of a women that allows herself to believe she is content being a barefoot & pregnant (no, I'm not pg now) housewife.

Her words, what I read between the lines of what she said and how I interpreted it all kept playing in my head over and over. Am I really a sellout? Have I been duped? I feel lost and stuck. I really can't do anything about where I am living and the state of our finances. Is that why I am letting myself believe this is what I want?

The love I have for my husband and kids is so powerful and amazing that words cannot do justice. I love being here with DS and DD to see everything they do and learn as it happens. I know that I am very lucky. I have many blessings to be grateful for, which I am. Some people would love to have what I have. I know that and I love having what I have. I also know that I couldn't ignore how lost and out of control I felt. I finally told DH about what JC said and how I feel like a sellout and I feel I may have duped myself into thinking I was really, truly OK with all these sacrifices when I am really not. DH said something that surprised me. He said:

"It's good that JC asked the hard questions and forced you to really look at your life and choices. What did you come up with when you sat down and really thought about it? You found yourself defending it and standing up for yourself, right? Well, clearly she helped you to see that you are indeed doing what you want. It's our life, our marriage, there is no way she can understand what we have between us and why we make the choices we have, but we know the whys and hows that got us here."

He's so right...she can't understand me, and my life the way I do. I can still be a strong woman and a SAHM who supports her husband, makes sacrifices for her family. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I do have "woe is me" moments where I wish there was a better balance and we were in a better position to do the things we want but then I am reminded that life and it's circumstances are always changing. It won't be like this forever. When my kids are older and I return to the workforce I will get my chance to do things for me. My family needs me to focus on them right now and I want to support them and raise them to the best of my ability. It's not possible for me to have it all right now, maybe I never will but whatever my life turns out to be supporting my husband and sacrificing my career dreams right now while I raise my kids does not make me a sellout.

Do you believe small children see angels?

I do. Here's why.

Today was an incredibly moving and emotional day for me already since it was the day of Constable Worden's funeral and because October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

I have always believed small children see angels and tonight, for me anyway, there is proof. As I was searching madly around the house for matches to light some candles to honour all tiny angels just before 7pm my sweet boy was following me around saying something that at first didn't make much sense.

I always stop to take the time to understand him so as I crouched down next to him to give him my undivided attention I asked him to repeat himself. This is what he said: "He's sleeping behind the flowers Mommy, he's sleeping behind the flowers and he looks very sad."

Wow.

It could have easily been me...

who could have lost her husband is all I can think when I let myself think about the officer that was recently shot and killed.

Last week's murder of the RCMP officer in NWT has really hit me hard. I have very deliberately avoided reading media stories about the shooting and his life because it hits too close to home. DH called me the day after it happened and asked me if I saw the front page of the National Post. I had not. He told me not to look it up since it was too eerie.

I never did see the story but DH described it to me. A wedding photo of the slain Constable and his bride was on the front page...DH said it looked like it could have come out of our wedding album. The story went on to describe the young family's final moments together as the officer kissed his wife, who was tending to their 8m old daughter, as he headed out to a trouble call at 4:30am.

I can't even count the number of times I've lived that scene myself. All those times DH geared up in the middle of the night to go to a call it never once crossed my mind that he would never be home again. My heart breaks for the woman who lost her husband and the that sweet little girl who will never know her Daddy.

Late at night when I can't sleep because I am waiting for my husband to come home at 3, 4 or 5 am I always remind myself that I am not alone. That across the country many Mountie wives have their sleep disrupted and their husbands called away in the wee hours by drunks and criminals and people in distress. That's the way it goes. Somehow you learn to adjust and you really don't worry everytime they go out the door. You find a way to trust that they'll be fine and home soon. I wish this were always true for each and every one of us wives of cops.

My prayers and thoughts go out to the family who will bury Constable Worden tomorrow and live with the aftermath of this horrific event for the rest of their lives.

OK Skippy, that's ENOUGH!

Earlier this summer I took this pic of a cute squirrel taking a nap on my fence. He does this everyday at around 1pm. I was amazed to find him there everyday and was so pleased when I finally snapped this shot of him one afternoon.

Well, Skippy, you aren't so cute anymore.

It's been an ongoing saga with this little rodent. And he's caused his fair share of annoyances and trouble.

One day shortly after we moved in here I found him climbing all in my stroller looking for cookie crumbs. So, I don't leave the stroller out anymore. A little inconvenient but, oh well...

Then, a little more than a week ago we found he's made a nest in the attic. It freaked me out a little that we had a squirrel in the attic but MIL got it taken care of right away. She's going to have to have the whole roof re-done b/c it's in bad shape and if she doesn't it won't be long before Skippy finds another way in. I'm sooo looking forward to having the roof ripped off and listening to the hammering and clomping on the roof...NOT!

Today, was the last straw for me. I finally got to do a big cleaning of the house. I took the mats from the side entrance outside to shake them and hung them over a little fence to air them out. A while later I went out to get them. I grabbed them both at the same time and I whipped them up not knowing that the f'ing squirrel was on one of them! So, as I grabbed the rugs I sent the damn thing flying right into the friggin HOUSE!

OMG! I started screaming for DH, who happens to be home this weekend - thank goodness. He came into the den just as Skippy was bouncing up the stairs and up the wall toward the kitchen. He said the squirrel looked at him and took off in the other direction...right out the door. It all happened very fast. I don't know what I would have done had DH not been in the house. I told DH he needs to off the squirrel...I'm only half kidding. I know DH won't do it though. It's not funny either that DH is teasing me for screaming like a girl as I watched a squirrel fly into the house - I am a girl after all!

So, to Skippy I say: GET LOST! SCRAM! TAKE A HIKE! BEAT IT!

Why'd I do that?

Last week I finally had a 'meet the doctor' appointment with our new family Dr here. MIL set it up for us and I know how lucky we are to get in as this practice is not taking new patients, which is true of all practices around here.

It was a meet the whole family appointment but DH couldn't come so I went alone with the kids. Yeah, I'm NOT doing that again! I thought it would be fine but DS was climbing up and under chairs, playing with the water fountain, running up and down the waiting room shouting: GO FASTER at the top of his lungs, opening 'staff only' doors and charging into restricted areas and I am chasing him while holding DD and trying to fill out 5 sets of forms all asking the same darn questions. Ack! I kept thinking this was a stupid appointment anyway...meet the Dr. >_>

When she finally came into to the tiny exam room, where DS was trying to unplug everything in sight and DD squirmed like mad to get down, I liked her instantly. She is about my age, with kids my age, warm, easy to talk to and very dedicated to preventative care and educating her patients, which is exactly the kind of Dr I like. YAY! I was glad I'd gone at that point. And having a meet and greet to get my history was a nice first appointment to have.

So, as she took down our medical and family histories, she asked a lot of questions of course. The first was how many pgs I'd had. I told her 4. Two miscarriages while TTC#1, one was natural at almost 12w, the other needed a D&C at 11w and two relatively uneventful ones with DS and DD. Even as I was explaining it all to her, while her med student who was sitting in with us gave me this pitiful look when I talked about my losses, I wondered: Why did I do that??? Why didn't I tell her about the chemical pg between my 2 m/cs? I talk about it freely with others. Especially my message board friends. In my heart always think of the three sweet souls I've lost even if one was a little angel I never would have known about if I wasn't TTC and POAS at 13dpo.

You know what's funny (funny strange, not funny funny) I did the same thing when I was admitted to L&D when I gave birth to each of my 2 kids. Perhaps I am afraid to admit losing 3. Maybe it's because my chem pg wasn't like my other two m/cs. That pg was not documented by anyone other than me in FF. I just don't know why I did that. It makes me sad and I feel very guilty for leaving that little out in my fertility history on my medical charts. I wish I knew why I did that.

I'm so sorry...I miss you all my sweet little angels xoxoxo