I am NOT a sellout!

For the last little while I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a dear friend a while ago. This friend is someone I have known a long time. We were in grad school together. I left before completing my degree to follow my then boyfriend (now DH) out to NS when he was posted there for work.

Not long after we moved there we got married. I was a 'housewife' for a time until I could find a job. I worked at a call center booking airline reservations for people. Not the most challenging work but it was fun and it was nice to make some money. After our wedding we immediately started to TTC. I miscarried three pgs before I had my son and 18 months later I gave birth to my daughter.

We spent four years in Nova Scotia. DH and I went through a lot of ups and downs out there together away from all our long time friends and family. He loves his job. He's lucky that way, not everyone gets to do what they love. I on the other have had to sacrifice some of my wants and dreams so I could be with him to support him in following his dream. But I also had some of my dreams come true. I married a great guy, had a nice house and got to become a mom of two beautiful, healthy kids.

He applied for a new job in March 2006. He passed the course and it took us more than a year to finally get moved. The original plan was for us to all move together to Toronto, which is where his job is but the realty market in the town where we lived in NS was terrible. It took us a long time to sell and there was never any hope of getting the price we needed to be able to buy in T.O.. DH and I talked at length about all our options and, as you may recall from previous posts, we settled on moving me and the kids to his hometown.

Now we live in different cities. I am a SAHM with the kids. Our finances are in bad shape. Living apart like this has turned out to be more costly than we thought and for other reasons the plan we had to buy his parents' house is not going to work for us. We are in a rough spot financially and it's taking it's toll on us emotionally. I had a hard time settling into this house knowing all the dangers that lurk behind the walls. I hate living in this house. I hate feeling like a single Mom, which is how I have felt since DH returned to work in August. I hate being in such a bad financial position that we have no other option but to try to grin and bear this arrangement for another year or two, possibly the whole 3 years DH is posted to Toronto.

A few weeks ago I finally got to talk to my dear friend JC. When she asked me how I was I broke down. I have been so trying hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have given up a lot of me for the life I have with my DH. When I told her how out of control I have been feeling in all this since the move - his job, our finances and how it stems back to before we moved here. I have been feeling really lost and out of control for a long time when it comes to ME.

I know that I have made these choices for myself. DH and I never do the big stuff without discussing things first, so it's not like he just decides things for me. But somehow knowing that doesn't make me feel any better or any more in control because I know that in the decisions I help to make I always put my own wants and needs on the back burner.

I was telling JC about the pickle we are in and how rotten this arrangement is for us and especially for me being here without DH is so hard on us all (me and the kids). My friend JC listened patiently to me and then suggested that I have given up too much for too long already and that I would resent my DH in the end for our problems and for losing myself along the way. She said it sounds like DH always seems to get the better end of the deal and that it's not fair for me to always get the short end of the stick and the harder, less glamorous jobs to slog through alone. It's true. Over and over again she said it would cost me my happiness and eventually my marriage since you can only give so much of yourself for so long without getting to do what you want before you grow irreparably resentful.

By the end of our conversation I found myself desperately defending my choices, my marriage and my life to her. I hung up feeling worse than ever about myself and my situation. So, I filed her comments and my responses in the back of my mind and never said a word about any of it to DH.

JC is married. She has no kids and does not want to have any. Ever. She and her DH have great careers, she is working on completing her PhD. They have a great life together. They own a nice home, travel and do lots of fun couple stuff. I respect her choices and I always thought she respected mine until we had this talk. After letting it stew I came to the conclusion that, though she never said it outright, she thinks I am a sellout. In her eyes, somehow that fiercely proud feminist that I was (and still strongly believe I am) has dissolved away and what's left is a shell of a women that allows herself to believe she is content being a barefoot & pregnant (no, I'm not pg now) housewife.

Her words, what I read between the lines of what she said and how I interpreted it all kept playing in my head over and over. Am I really a sellout? Have I been duped? I feel lost and stuck. I really can't do anything about where I am living and the state of our finances. Is that why I am letting myself believe this is what I want?

The love I have for my husband and kids is so powerful and amazing that words cannot do justice. I love being here with DS and DD to see everything they do and learn as it happens. I know that I am very lucky. I have many blessings to be grateful for, which I am. Some people would love to have what I have. I know that and I love having what I have. I also know that I couldn't ignore how lost and out of control I felt. I finally told DH about what JC said and how I feel like a sellout and I feel I may have duped myself into thinking I was really, truly OK with all these sacrifices when I am really not. DH said something that surprised me. He said:

"It's good that JC asked the hard questions and forced you to really look at your life and choices. What did you come up with when you sat down and really thought about it? You found yourself defending it and standing up for yourself, right? Well, clearly she helped you to see that you are indeed doing what you want. It's our life, our marriage, there is no way she can understand what we have between us and why we make the choices we have, but we know the whys and hows that got us here."

He's so right...she can't understand me, and my life the way I do. I can still be a strong woman and a SAHM who supports her husband, makes sacrifices for her family. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I do have "woe is me" moments where I wish there was a better balance and we were in a better position to do the things we want but then I am reminded that life and it's circumstances are always changing. It won't be like this forever. When my kids are older and I return to the workforce I will get my chance to do things for me. My family needs me to focus on them right now and I want to support them and raise them to the best of my ability. It's not possible for me to have it all right now, maybe I never will but whatever my life turns out to be supporting my husband and sacrificing my career dreams right now while I raise my kids does not make me a sellout.