Happy New Year

We've had some good times and made some great memories in 2007. I know that I am so blessed to have my health, two beautiful healthy kids and a loving husband. For the most part though it was a hell of a rough year for me. I am looking forward to a fresh start. I hope 2008 has less heartache, tears and stress and lots more laughter and happiness.
This is my wish for you all as well.
Happy New Year!

Prayers for Zachary

Life's just so unfair. I know that there is nothing that says life should be fair but my God! some things should never happen to anyone. Like my dear friend whose one month old baby boy was just diagnosed with JMML - a form of leukemia. Things like this should never happen.

I wish there was something I could do for them to make it all better. I know I can't and that makes this all so much more heartbreaking and maddening. So, I am doing all I can and right now that means continuing to keep them in my prayers and re-applying to be a bone marrow donor. I applied last spring after reading a story about a little boy in the US who was in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant but I was rejected for being too overweight. I have since lost more than 20lbs so I just called the CBS today to inquire what weight cut off was for my height and found out that I now qualify to be added to the registry. My application is already submitted...

Thinking of you all the time these days Jelly and sending loads of big squishy hugs and get well prayers for Z.

New blog template...

Just because I was tired of the blue.

I was never much of a girly girl before. I never wore reds or pinks or bought anything in those colours. Not for any reason in particular, they simply just didn't tickle my fancy but lately I love reds and pinks and just about anything 'girly'. I can't explain why - just because.

Anyway, I thought, why not change my blog to my new favorite colour too. So, I did. Hope you like it :)

Super Snow Storm = Empowered Woman!

In the last couple of days it's been snowing almost non-stop. It started Sunday night when DH left for T.oronto - it's been nuts! Thankfully DH took the snowblower out and got it already to use on the weekend but I'd never used it before and we never got around to showing me how it works.

When I woke up yesterday the plow had already gone by and there was a 3ft snowbank at the end of my driveway - Ack! I had no idea how I was going to get out. There was no way in heck I could have dug out by myself with just a shovel yesterday so DH gave me instructions over the phone on how to start the snowblower. So I got all bundled up and went out.

It started up fine and was so much easier to use than I thought it would be. I had the whole driveway done in about 30 minutes. I was so proud of myself and DH was relieved to hear that I managed to do it all myself. It was a very empowering experience.

I should have taken pics of before and after but I forgot...I'm sure there will be many more chances this winter for pics though since they are calling for a very cold and snowy winter in these parts.

Lest We Forget

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I am NOT a sellout!

For the last little while I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a dear friend a while ago. This friend is someone I have known a long time. We were in grad school together. I left before completing my degree to follow my then boyfriend (now DH) out to NS when he was posted there for work.

Not long after we moved there we got married. I was a 'housewife' for a time until I could find a job. I worked at a call center booking airline reservations for people. Not the most challenging work but it was fun and it was nice to make some money. After our wedding we immediately started to TTC. I miscarried three pgs before I had my son and 18 months later I gave birth to my daughter.

We spent four years in Nova Scotia. DH and I went through a lot of ups and downs out there together away from all our long time friends and family. He loves his job. He's lucky that way, not everyone gets to do what they love. I on the other have had to sacrifice some of my wants and dreams so I could be with him to support him in following his dream. But I also had some of my dreams come true. I married a great guy, had a nice house and got to become a mom of two beautiful, healthy kids.

He applied for a new job in March 2006. He passed the course and it took us more than a year to finally get moved. The original plan was for us to all move together to Toronto, which is where his job is but the realty market in the town where we lived in NS was terrible. It took us a long time to sell and there was never any hope of getting the price we needed to be able to buy in T.O.. DH and I talked at length about all our options and, as you may recall from previous posts, we settled on moving me and the kids to his hometown.

Now we live in different cities. I am a SAHM with the kids. Our finances are in bad shape. Living apart like this has turned out to be more costly than we thought and for other reasons the plan we had to buy his parents' house is not going to work for us. We are in a rough spot financially and it's taking it's toll on us emotionally. I had a hard time settling into this house knowing all the dangers that lurk behind the walls. I hate living in this house. I hate feeling like a single Mom, which is how I have felt since DH returned to work in August. I hate being in such a bad financial position that we have no other option but to try to grin and bear this arrangement for another year or two, possibly the whole 3 years DH is posted to Toronto.

A few weeks ago I finally got to talk to my dear friend JC. When she asked me how I was I broke down. I have been so trying hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I have given up a lot of me for the life I have with my DH. When I told her how out of control I have been feeling in all this since the move - his job, our finances and how it stems back to before we moved here. I have been feeling really lost and out of control for a long time when it comes to ME.

I know that I have made these choices for myself. DH and I never do the big stuff without discussing things first, so it's not like he just decides things for me. But somehow knowing that doesn't make me feel any better or any more in control because I know that in the decisions I help to make I always put my own wants and needs on the back burner.

I was telling JC about the pickle we are in and how rotten this arrangement is for us and especially for me being here without DH is so hard on us all (me and the kids). My friend JC listened patiently to me and then suggested that I have given up too much for too long already and that I would resent my DH in the end for our problems and for losing myself along the way. She said it sounds like DH always seems to get the better end of the deal and that it's not fair for me to always get the short end of the stick and the harder, less glamorous jobs to slog through alone. It's true. Over and over again she said it would cost me my happiness and eventually my marriage since you can only give so much of yourself for so long without getting to do what you want before you grow irreparably resentful.

By the end of our conversation I found myself desperately defending my choices, my marriage and my life to her. I hung up feeling worse than ever about myself and my situation. So, I filed her comments and my responses in the back of my mind and never said a word about any of it to DH.

JC is married. She has no kids and does not want to have any. Ever. She and her DH have great careers, she is working on completing her PhD. They have a great life together. They own a nice home, travel and do lots of fun couple stuff. I respect her choices and I always thought she respected mine until we had this talk. After letting it stew I came to the conclusion that, though she never said it outright, she thinks I am a sellout. In her eyes, somehow that fiercely proud feminist that I was (and still strongly believe I am) has dissolved away and what's left is a shell of a women that allows herself to believe she is content being a barefoot & pregnant (no, I'm not pg now) housewife.

Her words, what I read between the lines of what she said and how I interpreted it all kept playing in my head over and over. Am I really a sellout? Have I been duped? I feel lost and stuck. I really can't do anything about where I am living and the state of our finances. Is that why I am letting myself believe this is what I want?

The love I have for my husband and kids is so powerful and amazing that words cannot do justice. I love being here with DS and DD to see everything they do and learn as it happens. I know that I am very lucky. I have many blessings to be grateful for, which I am. Some people would love to have what I have. I know that and I love having what I have. I also know that I couldn't ignore how lost and out of control I felt. I finally told DH about what JC said and how I feel like a sellout and I feel I may have duped myself into thinking I was really, truly OK with all these sacrifices when I am really not. DH said something that surprised me. He said:

"It's good that JC asked the hard questions and forced you to really look at your life and choices. What did you come up with when you sat down and really thought about it? You found yourself defending it and standing up for yourself, right? Well, clearly she helped you to see that you are indeed doing what you want. It's our life, our marriage, there is no way she can understand what we have between us and why we make the choices we have, but we know the whys and hows that got us here."

He's so right...she can't understand me, and my life the way I do. I can still be a strong woman and a SAHM who supports her husband, makes sacrifices for her family. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I do have "woe is me" moments where I wish there was a better balance and we were in a better position to do the things we want but then I am reminded that life and it's circumstances are always changing. It won't be like this forever. When my kids are older and I return to the workforce I will get my chance to do things for me. My family needs me to focus on them right now and I want to support them and raise them to the best of my ability. It's not possible for me to have it all right now, maybe I never will but whatever my life turns out to be supporting my husband and sacrificing my career dreams right now while I raise my kids does not make me a sellout.

Do you believe small children see angels?

I do. Here's why.

Today was an incredibly moving and emotional day for me already since it was the day of Constable Worden's funeral and because October 15th is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

I have always believed small children see angels and tonight, for me anyway, there is proof. As I was searching madly around the house for matches to light some candles to honour all tiny angels just before 7pm my sweet boy was following me around saying something that at first didn't make much sense.

I always stop to take the time to understand him so as I crouched down next to him to give him my undivided attention I asked him to repeat himself. This is what he said: "He's sleeping behind the flowers Mommy, he's sleeping behind the flowers and he looks very sad."

Wow.

It could have easily been me...

who could have lost her husband is all I can think when I let myself think about the officer that was recently shot and killed.

Last week's murder of the RCMP officer in NWT has really hit me hard. I have very deliberately avoided reading media stories about the shooting and his life because it hits too close to home. DH called me the day after it happened and asked me if I saw the front page of the National Post. I had not. He told me not to look it up since it was too eerie.

I never did see the story but DH described it to me. A wedding photo of the slain Constable and his bride was on the front page...DH said it looked like it could have come out of our wedding album. The story went on to describe the young family's final moments together as the officer kissed his wife, who was tending to their 8m old daughter, as he headed out to a trouble call at 4:30am.

I can't even count the number of times I've lived that scene myself. All those times DH geared up in the middle of the night to go to a call it never once crossed my mind that he would never be home again. My heart breaks for the woman who lost her husband and the that sweet little girl who will never know her Daddy.

Late at night when I can't sleep because I am waiting for my husband to come home at 3, 4 or 5 am I always remind myself that I am not alone. That across the country many Mountie wives have their sleep disrupted and their husbands called away in the wee hours by drunks and criminals and people in distress. That's the way it goes. Somehow you learn to adjust and you really don't worry everytime they go out the door. You find a way to trust that they'll be fine and home soon. I wish this were always true for each and every one of us wives of cops.

My prayers and thoughts go out to the family who will bury Constable Worden tomorrow and live with the aftermath of this horrific event for the rest of their lives.

OK Skippy, that's ENOUGH!

Earlier this summer I took this pic of a cute squirrel taking a nap on my fence. He does this everyday at around 1pm. I was amazed to find him there everyday and was so pleased when I finally snapped this shot of him one afternoon.

Well, Skippy, you aren't so cute anymore.

It's been an ongoing saga with this little rodent. And he's caused his fair share of annoyances and trouble.

One day shortly after we moved in here I found him climbing all in my stroller looking for cookie crumbs. So, I don't leave the stroller out anymore. A little inconvenient but, oh well...

Then, a little more than a week ago we found he's made a nest in the attic. It freaked me out a little that we had a squirrel in the attic but MIL got it taken care of right away. She's going to have to have the whole roof re-done b/c it's in bad shape and if she doesn't it won't be long before Skippy finds another way in. I'm sooo looking forward to having the roof ripped off and listening to the hammering and clomping on the roof...NOT!

Today, was the last straw for me. I finally got to do a big cleaning of the house. I took the mats from the side entrance outside to shake them and hung them over a little fence to air them out. A while later I went out to get them. I grabbed them both at the same time and I whipped them up not knowing that the f'ing squirrel was on one of them! So, as I grabbed the rugs I sent the damn thing flying right into the friggin HOUSE!

OMG! I started screaming for DH, who happens to be home this weekend - thank goodness. He came into the den just as Skippy was bouncing up the stairs and up the wall toward the kitchen. He said the squirrel looked at him and took off in the other direction...right out the door. It all happened very fast. I don't know what I would have done had DH not been in the house. I told DH he needs to off the squirrel...I'm only half kidding. I know DH won't do it though. It's not funny either that DH is teasing me for screaming like a girl as I watched a squirrel fly into the house - I am a girl after all!

So, to Skippy I say: GET LOST! SCRAM! TAKE A HIKE! BEAT IT!

Why'd I do that?

Last week I finally had a 'meet the doctor' appointment with our new family Dr here. MIL set it up for us and I know how lucky we are to get in as this practice is not taking new patients, which is true of all practices around here.

It was a meet the whole family appointment but DH couldn't come so I went alone with the kids. Yeah, I'm NOT doing that again! I thought it would be fine but DS was climbing up and under chairs, playing with the water fountain, running up and down the waiting room shouting: GO FASTER at the top of his lungs, opening 'staff only' doors and charging into restricted areas and I am chasing him while holding DD and trying to fill out 5 sets of forms all asking the same darn questions. Ack! I kept thinking this was a stupid appointment anyway...meet the Dr. >_>

When she finally came into to the tiny exam room, where DS was trying to unplug everything in sight and DD squirmed like mad to get down, I liked her instantly. She is about my age, with kids my age, warm, easy to talk to and very dedicated to preventative care and educating her patients, which is exactly the kind of Dr I like. YAY! I was glad I'd gone at that point. And having a meet and greet to get my history was a nice first appointment to have.

So, as she took down our medical and family histories, she asked a lot of questions of course. The first was how many pgs I'd had. I told her 4. Two miscarriages while TTC#1, one was natural at almost 12w, the other needed a D&C at 11w and two relatively uneventful ones with DS and DD. Even as I was explaining it all to her, while her med student who was sitting in with us gave me this pitiful look when I talked about my losses, I wondered: Why did I do that??? Why didn't I tell her about the chemical pg between my 2 m/cs? I talk about it freely with others. Especially my message board friends. In my heart always think of the three sweet souls I've lost even if one was a little angel I never would have known about if I wasn't TTC and POAS at 13dpo.

You know what's funny (funny strange, not funny funny) I did the same thing when I was admitted to L&D when I gave birth to each of my 2 kids. Perhaps I am afraid to admit losing 3. Maybe it's because my chem pg wasn't like my other two m/cs. That pg was not documented by anyone other than me in FF. I just don't know why I did that. It makes me sad and I feel very guilty for leaving that little out in my fertility history on my medical charts. I wish I knew why I did that.

I'm so sorry...I miss you all my sweet little angels xoxoxo

A tiny ray of light...

This morning my son woke up happy. When I went in to get him he was chatting and smiling not screaming, sobbing and kicking as he has been every single morning for the last 3 months. We even got to start our day without a breakfast table meltdown.

Maybe I won't completely loose my mind afterall :)

I wish I knew just what to do...

My head is spinning these days. Nothing has turned out how we expected with this move, house, living arrangement. I guess I've never really been a 'roll with the punches' kinda gal. I like to have a plan and follow it so having everything turned on its head and trying to formulate a new plan is hard.

I want to move out of this house as soon as possible but we cannot afford to since DH is living in Toronto for work and paying rent there. SO, in a effort to contribute to our household income I was going to do some transcribing work for a friend, but it seems she doesn't have nearly as much work to give me as I thought. I had worked that income into our budget and now we come up so short it's almost laughable...almost.

So, I scoured the internet to see what's out there for jobs and daycare. I found some good leads for both but it seems that we wouldn't really come out much further ahead if I did return to work full-time. More than 3/4 of my income would go to daycare costs. I'm not complaining really, I want my children to get good care and be in a safe place while I am working but given their current ages it costs as much for their daycare as I would make in a month. Plus, I am essentially a single Mom since DH is only here a few days a month, so co-ordinating and executing the everyday routine would be taxing. Not to mention all the "what happens if"s I have to be at work late, get stuck in traffic, or whatever...

On the other hand I think that the high cost of daycare now is only short-term. In the not too distant future the children will be older and childcare costs go down. At the same time I will be moving up the pay scale so I will be making more. Overtime will the extra 2 or three years in the workforce help me out in terms of seniority, salary and moving up - I don't really know. So, what do I do?

Staying home for now seems to make the most sense financially but some days I seriously don't believe I am cut out to be a "single" SAHM. I did fine with it when DH was living with us but now that I am on 24/7/365 my sanity is precarious even on the best days and my patience seems to be running on empty all the time. I know that a major contributor to how I am feeling is lack of help and lack of sleep since my baby girl, who turns one next month, still isn't sleeping through the night and my sweet little boy has come into the terrible twos full force in the last couple of months. Maybe in a short time being always on won't be so hard if sleep improves and the battles of will diminish in frequency.

I just don't know what to do and DH is no help at all. He'll support whatever decision I make...that's it, no other input than that really...um, yeah, that doesn't really help me figure out what to do. UGH!

A strange dream indeed.

Early this morning I had a dream that I was on a dock with DH, DS, DD and some other people (can't say who). DS was at the other end of the dock acting like he would go in at any moment. Someone was talking to me but I was distracted since I wanted to see that DS was okay.

Suddenly, out of nowhere my mother appeared on the dock near me and dove into the crystal clear, calm water and disappeared beneath the ripples. She seemed to be swimming to where DS was sitting. After a few moments I realized she wasn't surfacing and I panicked. I could see DS was fine, still sitting on the dock looking into the water but my Mom was gone...I couldn't get anyone's attention at first then finally a man, I think DH, dove in and retrieved her limp body. She was dead. I fell apart - again.

I woke up shaken and so profoundly sad. What did this dream mean?

Every night before I close my eyes I wish and pray to see my Mom in a dream. It's only happened a couple of times and usually she is telling me something that I can't hear or understand. It's so strange - like she is always just out of reach.

This was a scary dream, one that has me so puzzled that I've been thinking about it all day. I guess I'll never know what it meant or why I had it.

I miss you Mom :(

Happy Birthday Mom

If my Mom were alive she would be celebrating her 57th Birthday today.

I find it hard to believe that it's been 17 years since we celebrated her special day together.

Miss you and love you lots and lots Mom. XOXOXO

A month later...

Things are much better between DH and me. But as for the rest of it...in a lot of ways things are much worse.

We had a home inspection done shortly after my last post. The results of which were heartbreaking, shocking and terrifying. This house is not safe for us to live in. We knew that it needed some work but we never imagined that everything that could be wrong with it is wrong or unsafe. So that made it pretty simple for us to decide that we cannot buy it.We don't have to money to do the necessary repairs, nor do we feel a construction zone for the next few years is a good place for small children.

If you're wondering what could be that bad here's a list of the major deficiencies of this old house:

1. the electrical system needs to be completely replaced.
2. much of the plumbing needs to be replaced.
3. it needs a new roof.
4. beams in the attic are cracked and need replacing.
5. all outdoor structures such as decks and porches needs to be completely replaced.
6. the entire lot needs to be regraded to address moisture problems in the basement.
7. insulation in the attic is vermiculite, which may contain asbestos...it needs to be tested and dealt with if it is.
8.the entire house needs to be reinsulated.
9. need new windows.
10. floors need to be leveled in the whole house and harwoord floors need to be replaced.

And there's way more but these are things that need to be done pretty much right away.

My brother, a certified electrician, came by to have a look. The look on his face said it all. He said some of the stuff FIL did is the worst and most dangerous wiring he's ever seen. He told me that he thinks I should NOT live here with my kids at all.

Ack! We did JUST move here all the way from NS it's not like I can pack up and live somewhere else so he suggested buying smoke detectors for every bedroom and lots for the rest of the house to be sure. So, I'm not sleeping so well these days.

DH talked to his parents and explained that we have to get out ASAP because we don't feel safe and they need to get to work on fixing this place up to sell it. They are pissed at us for having the inspection done. I think they feel we just totally screwed up all their plans for the future -in terms of finances, vacations, how much they would get from the sale of this house (from us or another buyer). They are acting all huffy and deny that there is really that much that needs to be done. Well, that's fine if that's what they want to believe but we believe the inspector's report to be more accurate and we can't buy this house. It totally fucks up our plans too but they don't seem to realize or care about that. It's not a good situation.

We sold our house in Nova Scotia for way less than we could afford to because we thought we could live here at DH's parent's house without having to buy it right away and pay off our debt for the next 3 years while DH lived in Toronto and pays rent, a car lease and gas back and forth from TO to Ottawa. This is the offer his parents made to US! We never asked for this. We had a plan too and I think we are way worse off than them. I just can't believe that don't see how bad this situation is for us too. At least they have somewhere safe to live.

DH and I are kicking ourselves so hard right now. We should have known better than to believe that his parents would could come through for us. We had no idea that they were so freakin cheap that FIL does everything himself to save $$ - and he has no clue what he's doing so he's made the house a veritable death trap - argh!

Moving is so expensive and exhausting. We can't afford to pay for another out of city move out of pocket right now. I don't even know if we could qualify for a mortgage given our current debt load. We're fucked and they don't give a shit about our situation. In fact, MIL keeps commenting on how lucky I am that I will get to live in a new house soon and that I will be so much happier there. I think she believes that this was my secret plan all along - like what I really wanted was to just get here, say the house sucked and get to move again. The last thing I want to do is move again but we can't stay here for 3 years knowing the house could burn down, pipes could burst or structures could fall off the face of the house at any time and God knows what else.

DH's current accommodations, which are fabulous and inexpensive, are not going to be available to him for the whole 3 years. In fact, we think that his landlord is planning to sell his house in the spring. So, DH will be paying even more rent for a less comfy and convenient place.

So, after crunching some numbers it looks like we'll have to stay through to the new year, which is way longer than I want to but I don't think we can do it any sooner. MIL is being weird and sometimes nasty towards me now and I really don't how I am going to tolerate having her stay here with us 3 days a week for the next 6 months or more. I just want to get out of here...at the same time I am pretty sad that we will not be able to settle into the Ottawa region like we had planned - I will be moving with the kids to Toronto to be with DH. We just cannot afford a mortgage, rent and the cost of weekly travel back and forth. I spent the weekend at DH's place with the kids and liked the area and know that while it wasn't what we wanted, we will be fine in Toronto. I just wish we didn't have to go through all this crap between now and then :(

A little update from Ontario

We're here, we made it all in one piece and so did our stuff. It's been a long 2 weeks of trying to get things organized and set up.

It's been very hard on DH and I and we are at each other's throats. We're never like this with each other and it's scary and sad to me. I just want to cry all the time.

I thought coming home would feel good but it doesn't. We are bickering, stressed out and tired all the time and DH is still here...I cna't even begin to imagine what it will be like when he goes back to work next week. I am seriously starting to wonder if we our marriage will survive this move and the 3 years of being apart more than half the time while DH works in TO. If what we've been through in the last couple of weeks is any indication, we're in for a rough ride and I worry we won't make it as the three years is going to feel like a very long time of being alone and apart. :( I am really regretting our decision to do this now...I really, really am :(

10 things I will miss about NS

I am moving from this province in just a little more than 2 weeks and I have mixed feelings...I am excited to get back 'home' but there are lots of things I will miss about this place and that makes me a little sad to be going. So, here's my list of what I'll miss:

1. My house. I love the layout and the way we decorated it.

2. My big, beautiful green yard. We have so much space here.

3. That it takes less than 5 mintues to get anywhere in town - grocery store, appointments, visiting friends.

4. The friends I have made here. Especially those who had babies at the same time I did. It's been great to get to have that bond of being pg together, meeting all the little ones when they are a day or two old and watching them grow up before our eyes together...I don't think it will be quite the same with Moms I meet at the other end.

5. The lush, untouched, rugged beauty of this Island.

6. The weather...it never get extremely hot or cold or snowy.

7. I will miss the connection I feel with my dogs here b/c we all lived here together and I won't have memories of them with us in our new home.

8. I will really miss how safe I feel here b/c it's such a small town.

9. The fall leaves in all their vibrant glory...they are breathtaking.

10. The freshness of the ocean air.

Disappointed by Dad AGAIN!!!!

You'd think I'd be used to being disappointed by my Dad by now after more than 30 years of it, but no. I continue to hope that he will change and start to be supportive and helpful. I don't how I manage to keep setting myself up for such huge falls but I do.

We are thrilled to have finally sold our house. Excited to be moving back to Ontario and our home town. My in-laws have really come through for us and have been incredibly helpful and supportive. They are moving to their cottage and will be letting me live in their house with the kids while DH does his 3 years in Toronto. They've been cleaning, moving out their furniture and making necessary repairs to the house to get it ready for us.

The move for us involves a trek halfway across the country so we are trying to figure out the easiest way to do this with two little kids. We decided the best thing would be for me to go out ahead of the movers with the kids and stay with my Dad for a week to 10 days while our house in NS gets packed up and moved to Ottawa and then unloaded. You'd think by the way he carries on about how much he misses his grandchildren that he would be happy to have us stay with him. So, when I asked him if it would be ok that we stay there while waiting for our move to take place I was shocked that he hesitated, then made lame ass excuses and in the end offered to ask my brother if we could stay with him instead. argh!!!

My Dad is going through a divorce and his wife is moving into her new home July 6th. Our house closes on July 15th, so I planned to leave NS July 11th or 12th, which I thought would be enough time for my Dad to get his house organized after K moves out all her stuff. He is retired for goodness sake! Anyway, he said that he can't have us stay there because he won't have a kitchen table and chairs set, or a dining room suite and he doesn't have an extra bed either.

He lives in a huge 3 bedroom home, which will be pretty much emptied out when K moves. You'd think he'd have already made purchases or at least had a plan to get some new stuff. Her move has been planned since March!!! Nope, he seemed pretty ticked when I asked him if he plans to leave all those empty rooms unfurnished for long. He said he's trying to find second hand furniture b/c he doesn't want to spend much on replacing things. Good grief! I know for a fact that the guy is not hurting for $$, he's just cheap. So, he said we can't stay there because he won't have furniture. That's the lamest thing I have ever heard!

I don't want to force it and argue with him so I left it. After thinking about it more DH and I agreed that staying with my brother is not a practical option for us or for him and the kind hearted guy that he is I know he wouldn't say no to us. He works long hard hours and needs his sleep. Baby girl somtimes wakes up in the middle of the night and I don't think it's right to put him out that way. Plus, he's a neat freak with a beautifully decorated home and no kids so I think he would find it stressful to have us there for a week or more. I called my Dad back and told him not to bother talking to my brother that we would figure out something else. The f'ing guy has the nerve to end our conversation by saying...if you need anything at all just let me know. Ya, right! F*** You! I think it will be a long time before I get over this one.

We have a deal!!!!

Our buyer got the financing he needed to be able to make us an unconditional offer before he sells his house.

So, our house is now SOLD! The closing date remains the same - July 15th. It will be a very hectic 26days between now and then, and I imagine for some time after but at least we're on our way home.

YAY!

Bad ideas and bad news

I was down in the dumps today. I just had a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach about the delay on removing the conditions on the sale of our house. So, I kinda mopped about all day. Finally, late this afternoon I decided I needed to get out of the house to take my mind off the stressfull stuff.

Well, I learned that it's a bad idea to go shopping thinking you're gonna fit into any of the cute stuff you like just because you've recently lost 35lbs... that 25lbs I have left to loose was laughing loudly at me today.

So, the shopping did not really help me feel better but the idea that things would go well with the completion of the sale on our home was a bright spot to think about right? Nope, bad idea.

This is why one should not to let herself get excited about something that is not yet a done deal. Because that's where I was yesterday. I was looking forward and allowing myself to feel happy and excited that we'd were so close to closing the deal. Today we got the bad news we were dreading...

So, when your incompetent realtor unexpectedly called you on a Saturday evening it's a very bad idea to hope, for even one second, that it's going to be good news instead of the bad news you're half expecting to hear because you'll be twice as disappointed when you do hear the words: "Well, there's been a small glitch on the buyer's end".

I just want to crawl into bed and wake up when the phone rings somtime on Monday to let us know whether we've got an unconditional offer or not.

BTW the small glitch is not a small glitch it's that the buyer's deal fell through on the sale of his house! Call me crazy, but to me that's not a small problem! So, unless he can work something out with the bank we won't have the sale and we'll be back at square one.

Ack! This sucks.

Another long weekend ahead

Booo! Our buyer can't lift his conditions yet because his buyer is still waiting on the results of his well water test. So, we have to wait until Monday to know if we for sure have a deal.

This waiting crap is for the birds! Ack!

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

It's June 15th at 2pm and we are still waiting to hear whether the buyer has met his conditions yet. He did indicate the other day when he was here doing the home inspection that he may need a few more days but that it wouldn't affect the original closing date of July 15th... Boy, it sure would be nice to know what's going on.

DH says no news is good news...I know he's right but, it sure would be nice to know what's going on...

Fate or something else?

As time ticks away and we get closer to a real deal on the sale of our house I have been pondering how these events have unfolded for us. All day I can't seem to get out from under the thought that fate or something else magical had a lot to do with how things are turning out for us.

Our house was the market for nearly 8 months with not much action as we waited wringing our hands, hoping and praying someone would come along soon and buy our house so we could just move to Toronto.

Then, only few days after we decided to just go ahead and have me move to Ottawa with the kids things started happening fast. It's not like this buyer just came along and saw our house the day before he put in his offer...he sat on it for over 2 months. Had he put in his bid earlier we would have either not been moving at all (since we took a lot less for our house than we could afford to loose if we were still going to TO) or we would already be living in Toronto.

It's funny how things work out. Maybe it's fate or my Mom's spirit protecting us and guiding us from heaven, or maybe it's neither and just it's dumb luck...

I'm not a fan of the dumb luck theory and it warms my heart and makes me feel really good to think it's my dear Mom's doing in a mystical, magical way of influencing the fates.

Thanks Mom xo

Almost there....

Our buyer did an inspection of our house yesterday. DH was here for it and said it went well. We are still awaiting somekind of update from our realtor but we believe that things are going to proceed with the sale without any further negotiation.

The buyer just needs to wrap things up with his sale so he can remove his conditions on our contract in the next couple of days and then we are good to go!

As long as all goes as planned our closing date is July 15th. Yahooo!!!!

I didn't think I'd feel this way when we sold

We got an offer the other day. It was ok but not great. In the end they refused our counter and were going to walk. We choked back our pride and decided to accept the original offer so that we can move on.

The last eight months of having our house on the market have worn us down. Plus, last week we made a big decision which enables us to take less for the house. After trying so hard to negotiate a deal with DH's employer to get his transfer changed to allow him to go to Ottawa and failing to do so got us thinking about what we really want.

We really want to be able to buy DH's parents' house. We want to raise our family in that town. We know that DH's new work involves a lot of business trips so whether we are in Ottawa or Toronto I will be alone at least half the time with the kids. We know it will be so much better for me and the kids and our finances to just relocated to Ottawa now. So, we've decided that I am going to live in DH's parents' place with the kids. DH will find room and board accommodations in Toronto for work. He can work out his 3 year contract there and then he's free to move to Ottawa.

With the conditional sale of our house - they have until June 15th to remove their condition and then it becomes final - I find myself feeling an incredible mix of emotions.

I feel like I want to barf when I think of what a great price the buyers of this house are getting because they were real assholes to deal with.

I am nervous about DH having to travel so much for his job.

I am thrilled about getting to go home to Ottawa with the kids.

I am worried about how much of a toll this living apart half the time will take on our marriage.

I am relieved that I will have friends and family nearby to help me while DH is away.

I am frustrated that we had to take a huge loss on our house here to get it sold.

I am happy that it won't kill us financially now that we have worked out a good deal with DH's parents.

I am sad that may be nearing the end of our time in our very first home.

I want to move on but in a weird way I am kind of hoping the deal falls through so we can try to get more money for this house and deal with much nicer buyers.

I need time to let it sink in. When that happens I know I will be able to let go of the negative feelings I have about this sale and the turkeys we're selling it to. Only 8 days to go until we find out if we do indeed have a deal. Until then, I am sure these feelings and more will be swirling around in my head....I truly never expected to feel this way when we finally came to the point where the move could really happen. I thought I would just be happy and stressed about the details. I am surprised there is so much more there.

For now, it's a NO.

DH called staffing today to see if they would be able to change his transfer order and they said that at this time Toronto does not agree to release him to Ottawa. If he met the language requirement it might be easier to convince Ottawa to fight for him. Staffing guy told DH to keep him updated on what's happening at our end and strongly encouraged him to get his language profile up to par.

I am disappointed but OK. It doesn't change anything for us since we knew it was a long shot. Plus, it's good to hear that there may still be a chance of getting it switched if circumstances make that beneficial to the employer or something else changes...like DH meeting the language requirement or if we haven't sold our house after 2 years of trying.

Who knows, maybe even if we excede the time frame for sale of our home or DH does get the score he needs for French TO may still hang onto to us for dear life because there are 35 guys in Toronto who've been waiting more than a year to be transfered out and can't leave because they are wating for replacments like DH. Gosh, I hope after DH does his 3 years that doesn't happen to us.

I looked up the symbolism of Eagles last night. They represent strength and courage - both of which will come in handy if things don't pan out for getting home on our next move.

Marble Mountain

This afternoon we decided to go for a Sunday drive. It was a beautiful sunny day and with the prospect (and great hope) of DH going to work in Ottawa very soon we thought we should take advantage of the nice weather and tour the Island we've lived on for the last 4 years.

A ride up to Marble Mountain is one of my favorite afternoon Cape Breton drives. The view of Lac Bras D'Or from up there is breathtaking.

By the time we got to the lookout the kids were both fast asleep. So, DH and I sat on the bench overlooking the clear blue water. We sipped our coffees, marveled at nature, took a few pics and talked about our hopes for the future. It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
As we discussed the possibility of getting our transfer changed from Toronto to Ottawa two Bald Eagles came into sight. They were quite close at first but quickly flew far out over the water. I did my best to capture them with my camera but they were really far away. The one in this pics is flying right over the island that is in the middle of the picture above.

Are majestic eagles soaring overhead a sign of good fortune? I sure hope so.

Spirit Babies

A few weeks ago I was thinking a lot about the babies I've lost. The 3rd anniversary of my 2nd m/c and the D&C I had to have for it is about a week away. DH noticed I was down in the dumps and when I told him why he just listened. I asked him if he ever wonders about them and what they'd be like he just smiled and said - they're J...they were all J waiting for the perfect time.

Well, that's one way to look at it, and while I'll never stop being sad and wondering what would have been I take some comfort from DH's perspective and belief on this subject. It's the same idea as the article below, which is a real tearjerker. I came across this on a pg loss board after my 2nd m/c. I guess DH is not alone in his thinking about m/c.

RELATED ARTICLE: Spirit baby.
PEGGY VINCENT
NOVEMBER 1983
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

Colin, my 12-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.Stunned when the test came back positive, my husband, Rog, and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence.

At 41, my professional life consumed me. I had just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I'd been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley, California, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered 12 babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and my daughter, Jill, approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulder, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born ... now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?

Plan C

Here's a short recap of where we've been so far and why we need Plan C:

Plan A was to sell and move to Toronto before Christmas. That obviously didn't happen.

Plan B was to just move to Ontario. We tried to make this work in Feb/Mar. I was to stay with family in Ottawa with the kids and DH was going to stay with a family friend until we sold our house in N.S. and could buy something in T.O. But, our family friend was unable to help us out so plan B got scrapped.

So, now for Plan C, which came to DH the other morning.

We have had our house on the market for nearly 8 months now so, DH thought at this point perhaps we could try to convince his employer to consider taking him in Ottawa now in order to get him working for the unit he's been trained and waiting to get to over a year. Lots of BS from his current boss and not being able to sell our house quickly has kept us here since March 2006!

So, he called and explained to the HR guy for that unit that if they would be willing to give him time to meet the French language requirements (Ottawa requires intermediate french ability in reading, written and oral) while on the job in Ottawa he could start next week . He would stay with his parents until our house here sells and I would remain here with the kids (in the short term at least). The HR guy actually listened to everything DH had to say and is taking the rest of the week to see what he can do. Yay!!!

This is much more than we expected. Dh was sure he'd get told no right off the bat. We are afraid to believe that this dream could come true for us. We can deal with it if the answer is NO, but we hope so much that they will allow DH to start working for this unit, which happens to be desperate for qualified people.

DH is only somewhat optmisitc. I think it's because he doesn't want to get his hopes up only to be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Totally understandable. Personally, I think our chances are good. We have clearly demonstrated that we are doing everything we can to get to Ontario. The housing market here is so slow that all we can do it wait for the right buyer to come along. Several others who've been transferred from here in the past few years have taken up to a year to sell their homes, so what's happening to us is not usual for this area.

We know that it could still be a long time before we sell this house and buy one in Ottawa but we're willing to do whatever it takes to get back home and if it means that I'll be here with the kids for a while it's fine, we'll figure it out.

So, I have my fingers, toes and everything else crossed, and I am praying that they go for Plan C so we can skip Toronto and just get straight home. If you can spare any, we could really use some prayers and positive thoughts that they decide to change DH's transfer and take him in Ottawa.

Sunshine and renewed hope

It's a warm, bright sunshiny day. It seems as though spring has finally arrived in Cape Breton - hooray!

I had a dream last night that we were packing up our house because we were finally moving! Here's hoping that this dream comes true very soon.

When you least expect it...

I live in a small town where small talk reigns supreme but sometimes the most innocent remark or question can bring someone's world crashing down. This is what happened to the cashier who was ringing in my items yesterday at Walmart.

The interaction I witnessed between the cashier and a pal of hers who was going through another line:

Acquaintance: Hey Ronda! How's it going?

A smiling and relaxed Rhonda replies: Oh, not bad.

Acquaintance: So, any babies yet for you?

Rhonda looked completely crushed her cheeks instanly flushed bright red and obsviously holding back tears she simply shook her head no.

Acquaintance: Oh, Rhonda, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Rhonda: You're not the first....

Silence.

I don't know the details but clearly there has been some trying and loss...

I stood there suddenly wishing I was not buying a little Take Along Thomas set for my little boy and a new bib and spoons for my little girl.

I just wanted to reach out and hug this woman who was clearly going through something really hard and sad. My heart truly went out to her because I felt like I could relate to her situation.

We TTC and lost three pregnancies to miscarriage before being blessed with two healthy pgs from which I gave birth to two beautiful, healthy children. The losses we suffered were awfully hard and so heartbreaking for me and my husband. Many times in those dark days following the devasting m/c's I found myself in Rhonda's shoes with a lump in my thoat and tears welling in my eyes in a public place because a curious and well meaning acqauintance asked the 'wrong' question.

Being in Walmart yesterday and hearing this conversation brought the memories of those sad times and my three tiny angels rushing back in an overwhelming way. I choked back tears for my own losses as well as for the heartbreak of the woman who stood before me.

I wish I could have talked to her, shared my story and listened to hers. I wish I could have offered her some comfort and hope, but was not my place to do that or say anything at all since I did not know her. I truly wanted let her know she is not alone but I didn't know how so I just bit my lip and quietly walked away as soon as my purchased were packed away in the grey bags.

The scenario I saw yesterday did get me thinking a lot about miscarriage - my own and those of so many others. I concluded that one of the hardest thing about this kind of loss is that there is no script for how we should act, react and what, if anything, we should say as a way to offer comfort and sympathy without offending or hurting the grief stricken mother. It's so hard...

Bone Marrow Donor Registry

I was on a message board playgroup this morning and I saw a post about a little boy my daughter's age (6 months) who has lukemia. How incredibly heartbreaking.

I followed the link to the boy's family website at www.trevorkott.com and was so moved that I went to the Canadian Blood Services site and got the process started to join the registry.

I couldn't believe how few people are a match for patients in need around the world. It only took me about 15 minutes to fill out the only form and it sounds like the rest of the process will be pretty easy too...

I just wanted to pass this along in case anyone else might want to think about joining your national registry and possibly saving a life.

This one's a keeper

For the last couple of weeks I have been on the hunt for a good oatmal cookie recipe. I finally found one.

These were really easy to make and taste super delicious. I made half with dried cranberries and the other half with chocolate chips - both are yummy!

3/4 cup unsalted butter room temperature
1 cup light brown sugar

1 large egg
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 cup dried cranberries, cherries, or raisins or 1 cup white or dark chocolate chips or walnuts or pecans toasted and chopped (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

In the bowl of your electric mixer (or with a hand mixer), cream the butter and sugar until creamy and smooth (about 2 - 3 minutes).

Add the egg and vanilla extract and beat to combine.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, and ground cinnamon. Add the flour mixture to the creamed mixture and beat until combined. Stir in the nuts, oats, and dried cranberries or chocolate chips.

For large cookies, use 1/4 cup of batter and space the cookies about 2 inches apart on the baking sheet. Then wet your hand and flatten the cookies slightly with your fingers so they are about 1/2 inch thick.

Bake the cookies for about 12 - 15 minutes, or until golden brown around the edges but still soft in the centers. Remove from oven and let the cookies cool a few minutes on the baking sheet before transferring them to a wire rack to cool.

Makes about 20 - 24 large cookies

This recipe comes from my new favorite baking recipe site: www.joyofbaking.com

The view today from my kitchen window

Our house selling saga continues...

Our realtor called us with another offer for our house yesterday. We are listed at 149,900, the house was appraised at 140,000 we hope to get somewhere in the middle.

These people offered 107,000! I think they must be on drugs. They are a young couple who came to look at it about a month ago. They came with 3 car loads of people, we think both sets of parents at least, and stayed less than 10 minutes. They said they hated our kitchen b/c the rest of the house was done (new floors/baseboards/paint, new furnace installed Oct 06, 5 appliances new in 2003, newer vinyl windows and siding) and really nice they didn't think it was worth the asking price since they'd have to reno the kitchen.

We know the kitchen needs to be updated but we've only lived here four years and new kitchen cabintes and flooring just have not been in our budget. So to them I send a big fat "Whatever..." they need to be told that around 145,000 is what the house is worth without a kitchen reno and 143,000 is a very good counter from us but I doubt anyone will tell them that.

We know they looked at other places after ours. Then they came back here about 2 weeks ago for a second viewing since there isn't really much great out there in this small town. Yesterday they came in with this insane offer -ack! We countered 143,000, which is as low as we'll go...We find out what they had to say to that tonight but we are expecting it to end there...we really hope they just go the heck away - idots!

Now, I don't know if it's all they were approved for or if they are just A-holes. We live in a small town and people know we're being transfered for work and it's not a secret that we're excited to get back to Ontario. Our house has been on the market for nearly 6 months on we only had one other offer last week which came in too low as well. (they offered 130,000, we countered 143,000, they came up to 137,000 we felt it was still too low so we just ended the negotation there. It's a long story but we think they may re-offer soon).

We think these 107,000 people thought they could smell a deal. WRONG! We also think that from their complaining to their agent about the kitchen needing a reno that they are deducting the cost of a kitchen and bath reno from our asking price to get to the 107. DUH! Our realtor told us their realtor tried to explain that their offer was way out of the ballpark and tried to convince them to start higher but they are stubborn.

The only reason we countered at the lowest we'll take is b/c DH thinks if we decline or start to 'play' the negotating game they'll waste everyone's time with stupid ass offers. I wanted to refuse it flat out or counter 147,000 but I think Dh's strategy makes sense and will put an end to the dinking around quickly.

Well, our doggie's got a new home

On Monday morning the man who DH brought our dog to meet the night before came by our house to pick her up and take her home. She was excited and I am sure a little confused when she hopped in his car and none of us joined them. It was so sad to see her go...her bowls, treats, cushion and leash were already neatly packed away for her big trip. It's hard to believe that I will probably never see her again.

DH and I are both relieved that we've found a great home for our pup. The man wanted a companion to pal around with all day and Ranger is certainly a dog who loves to be with people and go with you even for a ride to the store. We think it's a great match ands she'll have a much better life than we can offer her right now and for the next couple of years. Plus, she'll be living on a 40 acre farm with a huskie dog next door who is missing his old pal so it couldnt' be more perfect.

We left later that morning on our 18 hour road trip to Ontario. We made good time and the kids handled the long drive amazingly well. They both slept great in the hotel room and seem to be adjusting well to living in Nanna's house. We are here for a month long visit so it's worth taking such a long road trip.

I've been thinking about Rangie a lot and wondering how she is. DH will call the man's daughter tomorrow (our friend) to get an update. It won't seem real for me until I am back home and she's not there :( I haven't lived without a dog for more than 13 years...I can't imagine what it will be like. I also worry about my sweet little boy wondering where the heck his doggie-doo has gone. I know it was the right decision but I'm still sad and feeling like there will be a big hole in our lives when we get back home and into the daily routine. I know it will be ok once we get used to it but I'm sure it will still be hard.

Ranger may be going to live with a new family

It makes me so sad but I think it's for the best. Our 7 year old border collie mix just left with DH to go visit with a friend's father to see if they are a good match.

This man is looking for a dog to adopt because he's recently had to put down his beloved pet. He's lonely and wants a new doggie buddy.

We have been thinking for a while now of finding a new home for our sweet Rangie girl. She just doesn't have the best quality of life right now because we are consumed with J and L. J loves Ranger so much. And they are good buds but I feel bad for the dog since she doesn't get much exercise these days and hasn't for a while. She also doesn't get a whole lot of attention from us either, except for J. In September we had to say goodbye to our older dog Murdoch and since she lost her best friend Rangie seems sad. We wish we could give her a better life and anew buddy to pal around with but right now we just can't. We are going to be moving to Ontario and to a big city. DH will be travelling a lot with his new job once we get there and I will be alone with the kids most of the time which will make things even more lonely for Rangie.

We hope this man connects with her and wants to take her home with him. He lives on a farm and wants a companion to dote on...Ranger is definitely a perfect candidate for that arrangement...

Can they really not find anything better to wear???

Seriously! What's with these teenage girls who wear their pajama bottoms as regular clothes?? It's so cold here today - minus 20 degrees celcius and windy. On the short drive home from the grocery I saw 2 girls walking in the freezing weather wearing their pj bottoms.

Am I just getting old and cranky? Perhaps. I understand that teens do weird things to stand out, rebel and to fit in with their peers and that clothing trends are a big part of that. I get it but I don't have to like it...I wasn't crazy about the kids wearing their baggy pants practically down around their knees with their drawers hanging out when that was in. The super low-rise jeans and the belly baring spaghetti strap tank tops made me wonder how so many of these young girls got past their parents wearing clothes so revealing. Ack! And now it pj's in public. I suppose we should welcome a change in the direction of covering up butts and bellies but I can't get past how sloppy and lazy it makes them look. It really makes me wonder: Can they not find anything better to wear???

I heard this on Oprah..

that when you are working out and trying to loose weight you will feel hungrier in the evenings because that's when your body is burning fat. It makes sense right??? At least it did when Oprah's weight loss guru guy explained how it works. Plus, you don't get thin without making changes and sacrificing yummy treats right???

Ack! I'm craving something to snack on right now. It's all I can think about. So, instead of eating junk I am folding laundry, packing for our trip, blogging, knitting...anything that will keep me out of the kitchen. And I keep imagining the numbers I tipped on the scale at my weigh in at Curves this week...I am down 5lbs! That's worth trying to hang on to.

I just hope I don't gain it all back and then some now that I am headed a my month long trip home without my regular Curves workouts.

My Dad's getting divorced...

I know this is an awful thing to think/say but it's about freaking time!

The story goes like this... My Mom died when I was 17yo. She was in a coma for 9months and we knew she'd never come back to us. My dad's an alcoholic and his drinking was insane during the long 9 months my Mom was in a coma.

Once she was gone he wallowed in his own misery for a while but he soon started dating a few different ladies. They were all nice enough. He lived with one for a while - my brothers and I loved her to bits but it was a rocky relationship for her and my Dad and it ended after a couple of years.

I think the biggest problem for him is that he has never gotten over my Mom, even to this day he still compares his wife Kathy to my Mom all the time. So, I was shocked to find out he had proposed to a woman I'd only met a few times shortly after he started dating her. My brothers and I saw a big change in my Dad when he started dating K. She's a kind lady with a young daughter (C was 8 yo at the time they married). We thought maybe my Dad had turned over a new leaf. He went camping and did all kinds of stuff with them - things he never did with us and that are totally opposite to what he's been like as long as I have known him - he's a homebody, well hermit is actually a better definition.

Anyway, the dating was going well since he was making such a great effort and they started talking about moving in together. K wouldn't move in with him unless they were married so he proposed and they tied the knot only a couple months later.

The day after the wedding things went sour. My Dad called me crying saying he's made a big mistake - ack! He immediately went back to his old ways of drinking and being generally miserable. I was so sad for K and C.

K has admitted to me that she really doesn't even like my Dad anymore. She feels duped by him. She believes that he misrepresented himself when they were dating which he did. That's so shitty! Anyway I guess because she was already divorced once she didn't want to do that again and she told me she would stick it out. SAD! I told her we all loved her and she should do what she feels is right for herself and not worry what other people will say or think.

My Dad's been just as unhappy in the marriage. He feels like she pesters him to do stuff he doesn't want to do. He's not involved at all with anything related to her daughter and Kathy is completely focused on C all the time, who is now 16 yo.

I guess C is going through a difficult phase as most teens do and it's put even more strain on an already weak and miserable union. So, my Dad told his wife he's not happy, and since she's obviously not happy they should go their separate ways. She agreed so they are splitting up. I am relieved although I do worry that it means my Dad will just become depressed and drink himself into oblivion after the dust settles and he's all alone. I hope I'm wrong and that he'll be happy. At least I know K and C will be better off but I will miss them.

Train of thought...

Today we made a trip to Antigonish to use the gift cards we got for Christmas at the book store there. It's a bit of a drive to get there...an hour or so on the highway. We've made this trip many times before and today as my mind started to wander as I watched the waves lapping the cold and icy ocean shore I wondered how many more times we would travel this highway. I am going to miss living in Nova Scotia once we finally sell our house and move back to Ontario.

Then I thought, what will I do in Ontario? I'd love to stay home as long as I can with our children. The cost of living is so much higher there and things are tight as it is. I will need to find work sooner or later - hopefully later, much later.

I started thinking that I would really like to work in the medical field, in a hospital or clinic perhaps. I have no experience or training in anything remotely medical. I have been thinking for a long time about becoming an ultrasound technician. I looked into this a year or so ago and learned that there are only a few schools that offer such a program and one is in the area where we are moving.

So, I thought about how I would go about such an endeavor. First, I want to and need to finish my MA in Sociology. Also, I will need to go back and find out what the pre-requisites are for the u/s/radiology tech program. I am hoping to finish up my MA and get the pre-req's for college and still be a SAHM.

I was really excited at the idea of being an u/s tech and wondered what kind of place I would work. Would I get to do a lot of pregnancy ultrasounds? How fun! But wait, maybe not so fun, right?? I have personally had more than one 'not fun' u/s. Could I really be the one to be the first to see and know that instead of a fetus there is a blighted ovum, or instead of a viable pregnancy there is nothing? I got really sad and started to tear up at the thought that u/s techs are sometimes called in to check babies that are near term...how would I handle being the first to see that baby's heart has stopped beating?

The day I found out that my second pregnancy was not viable and that my little baby had stopped developing at 8w6d (I was more than 10weeks along at that point) the regular u/s tech at our hospital was training a new tech. It was the young woman fresh from school who was at the controls in front of the magical, mystery screen and with the want on my little belly. She was the first to see that my baby had no heartbeat. I remember the room being so painfully silent. I was barely breathing. "Please tell me what you saw" I begged them both, but they said they weren't sure and couldn't say. Instead they just wheeled me off to talk to the ER Dr.

So, today as we drove along the highway that we'd driven a hundred times or more in the last 4 years, to the town where there is better shopping and restaurants and where the hospital is ...where twice we were heartbroken to learn that our babies stopped developing and twice we were blessed when I gave birth to our beautiful healthy children...I wondered how that young woman felt and what she was thinking that day at 10am staring at the screen and knowing she did not have good news to share. I hope that wasn't her fist day. I don't know that I could do that job and not cry and hug the woman who lay on the exam table. Maybe being an u/s tech isn't for me. Then I thought, maybe it is because I have been on both sides...

Then I spilled coffee all down the front of my coat and my train of thought was lost.

We're still here and that isn't so bad

We haven't heard from our realtor since December 27th. This comes as no surprise although B is pretty disappointed. He is headed back to work on January 22nd and was really hoping to be starting his new job in Ontario instead of going back to his old position here in NS. He is so excited about moving back to Ontario and living in the city again.

I feel differently about it these days especially with 2 little ones to care for. I find the longer we stay here the less I want to move. I know that we all will have so many more opportunities in Ontario than we do here but I am really starting to love the pace of life here.

The things that bugged me about small town life in the first few years we lived here are things I find charming now and I know I will miss them. Like small talk with strangers and people peeking in your shopping cart at the grocery store to see what's for dinner or taking the time to hold the door open for you even when you are still on the sidewalk and not all that close to the door.

Going back home to Ontario or even just to Halifax for visits in the last year really emphasized how different life is in the big city. I suppose it's gonna take time to get used to the difference in the pace of life just like it did when we moved out here.